grace so amazing, i can hardly understand...

grace, people, is a beautiful thing...and i'm not sure if God enjoys giving it more or we enjoy receiving it more. to you, the one who showed unspeakable grace to me (you know who you are)...thank you. you bless my heart. much love, my sister.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain: Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
Just in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!(Refrain)

Yes ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.(Refrain)

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.(Refrain)

more and more, bit by bit, piece by piece...i can see God healing my own heart. he is slowly drawing me out of myself and making my past my testimony...a way to minister to other women. i got that chance this week, and it was beautiful. a friend had part of this song on her facebook, and it so perfectly speaks to my heart. to my friend who is hurting so desperately right now and is so in need of a rescue...a miracle...a blessing...may He be enough. i am praying that the arms of the One you love embrace you..."To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." (jude 24-25).

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

~Heal the Wound, Point of Grace

I DID IT!!!

blood...sweat...tears...anger...joy...peace...laughter...

just a few of the adjectives that describe the year for me. like i said in my last post...i can't believe it's flown by. sitting in my seat this morning with my dad behind me, a great friend on either side of me, and three more good friends in the audience along with my mom, grandmother and brother...it was surreal.

i guess it will all hit that i'm finished with school for the time being here in a few months. i cannot imagine life without class, papers, exams, lectures...guess it's really time to start being an adult.

pinning was thursday night, and it was really pretty neat. small, intimate ceremony. my dad had told me he was going to be a little late because he had a meeting at 4:00 in Amarillo, but he would just slide into a seat in the back when he got there. no problem. i was sitting in the very front row on the opposite side of the room from the doors, so i never saw if he made it in by the time i got pinned and they read my little thing about my future plans and la-dee-dah. at the end of the ceremony, i got up and turned around to where mom, mutha (Lauren's mom) and my grandmother were. i was about to say something, and then i noticed that Pam's mouth was just hanging open. "what?" i said. "what's wrong with you?" she couldn't say anything, just pointed to a spot in front of her. i turned to look, and there was my dad...

WITH MY BROTHER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN GERMANY!!!!!!

dad and mark had been plotting this for like three months. he'd only just gotten the approval a few weeks ago. dad had a meeting all right...he had to pick bubba up at the airport! they missed the whole ceremony; they'd only just made it in time for the ending prayer because the ceremony only lasted like 45 minutes. BUT BUBBA CAME HOME!! he's here til the 28th, and they're doing Christmas early in louisiana and then coming to my house on the 24th, even though i gotta work :(. anyway. it was wicked exciting.

Friday we got up and got Krispy Kremes and kolaches from Donut Depot. Karyn came over for breakfast, and we all just sat around talking and hanging out. Did a little shopping later that day and then Stella's for dinner, which it was a miracle we got in since it was Friday night, we had no reservations, AND Tech and LCU's graduations were the next day. yum.

Saturday morning...we got up too early. i know, i know...i'm about to start day shift and i better get used to it, but bear with me...it's gonna take a while. Graduation was good, even though we had to prance up and down the stairs to practice too many times. Seriously...we've made it through to a bachelor's degree; i think we can walk around in a circle and make it to the right seat. whatev. thanks trisha and cake for coming...you guys REALLY didn't have to do that, but thanks...nice to know you love me. :)

lunch at roadhouse (cheese fries...yum!) and then the fam decided they were going to go back to amarillo early so mark could have more time with his friends...he'll be here christmas eve, and he's back in the states in feb, so that was ok with me. besides, i was exhausted and in desperate need of a nap.

so overall...good weekend. it was wicked cool to hear my name called and walk across that stage, but it just doesn't seem real yet, like Christmas break will be over and i'll be back in class. i don't think it will be a hard adjustment, though... :)

blessings,
amy :)

f'ed up cheetos

PRAISE the LORD...graduation is NIGH!!! pinning is thursday, graduation on saturday morning. who is stoked? *waves hand wildly in the air* not gonna lie...it's been a ridiculous, insanity year. i can't believe how much has happened. i can't believe that i registered for classes a whole YEAR ago...time has flown. it's been hard, but God has blessed me with so many new friendships and i have learned so much.

the year started with genetics (where a friend was waiting, but i didn't know it yet) and leadership. Leadership was an experience in itself. My small group had some of the most amazing discussions I have ever been privy to. That's one reason I loved LCU so much...there is such a wide range of nursing experience. I regularly sat next to people who have been nurses for as long as I have been ALIVE. It was great to throw an issue out and hear from people from all walks of the nursing life, with every different clinical competency you can think of, who have walked through fire and hell and joy and laughter and tears and yet still emerge with a love of nursing that is quite possibly greater than it was when they started.

I met a crazy nut named Christy in that small group who is not afraid to speak her opinion and is one of the strongest women I know. She is a nurse manager in an adult ICU, and if i liked adult patients, i would work for her in a heartbeat. She is one of my nursing heroes, simply because for her, after 17 years, the most important person is still her patient. Despite all the BS and politics that have wormed their way into nursing, she holds strong to the belief that taking care of patients is more important than budgeting or meetings or justifying any one of the hundred things a day that she does. And she takes care of her staff, plain and simple.

also during the spring, i lost my grandaddy. he was diagnosed with West Nile Virus at the beginning of February, and, on March 12, 2008, God came down, picked him up, and carried him Home. i will forever be thankful that, even though bubba didn't get to come home from the army like we thought he would, i went to Louisiana for Christmas 2007. i almost volunteered to work, and I am so grateful that God kept me from that. Christmas was the last time i saw my grandaddy alive. my last memories are of him alive and well and smiling at the matching fleece LSU blankets i made for him and my grandmother. the day we buried him was perfect...the sun was shining and the barest hint of breeze was blowing. it would have been a day he would have spent outside, either in his shop working with his hands or on his beloved motorcycle, going to see one of any number of good friends. i will be forever blessed by his influence in my life.

On to the summer. Bubba came home after 14 months of absence, and it was a blast. Lots of bonding...especially at two in the morning in Eastland, Texas after mom's car broke down on the way to my grandmother's in Louisiana. That's one of the ones we'll be talking about when we're in our sixties, I'm sure.

LCU: physical assessment, professional role development, trends and issues, history/theories/therapies in nursing, complementary and alternative therapies, and a one-week rural health trip in new mexico. Christy was pretty much right there next to me in all of those classes. we did our assessments on each other and we were roommates for a week in new mexico (which would be a whole 'nother *inflammatory* entry that probably should not be posted on the internet). i wouldn't call that trip a positive experience (tolerable is pushing it), but several of us bonded together under the opposition. :)

then there was fall. romans, community health, and scientific inquiry. community health was an experience but, again, not one that i will remember fondly and i should probably not post the dirty, intimate details online. you can call me for those. :) but, as always happens, the underlings bound together under the opposition...

Trisha, i had a blast getting to know you. i'm sorry you got blasted on the phone, but hey...it makes for a great story, and in the end, we were right anyway. and i promise never to use acronyms when i'm around you...at least, NVOIICHI. (not very often if i can help it) ;). thanks for listening so many times. thanks for your prayers (because i know they were there). thanks, too, for introducing me to Cane's...can't get much better than their sauce AND pellet ice. :) i don't think you know what a blessing you are.

romans...again, fun with Christy and Marilyn. but more than anything...wow. i started this class with an attitude, annoyed at what i percieved as the instructor flaunting his "past" and using it for shock value by telling it as his testimony (which it is). i closed my head to hearing a lot of what he had to say, which i now regret. throughout the semester, he was really great to me and the other two (we were the only nurses in the class in addition to being the only nontraditional students). at the end of this semester, we figured out that the final was going to conflict with our work schedules...which anyone knows are almost impossible to change. we stayed after class, and he said, "don't worry...do you trust me?" and so we're like, ok. we ended up working out a deal with him to come in right after the last class day and take the exam. our rationale was that we don't even know any of the other people in the class, so no way are we gonna go hunting them down to tell them about the test. after some hemming and hawing, he agreed.

the day before the final, i had been discussing the previous exams with Marilyn, speculating on what questions would be on the test, whether they would be verbatim, etc. as we talked, she was baking Christmas goodies. she told me about one she'd been making forever...caramel cheetos. WHAT?? i know, i know, she said...it's the wrongest thing ever to do to a cheeto, and it sounds disgusting...but i promise, they're amazing. and i'm like, whatever. a little more talking, and we decided that it would be really nice to thank this instructor for all he'd done for us this semester by bringing him some home-baked goodies and a thank-you card. Marilyn didn't mind, because she said she'd be baking all day anyway. i told her i'd get the card and shortly after, we hung up.

wednesday after class, the three of us trooped down to his office. let me set the stage: the man is the missions director, so his office is actually a classroom with one corner walled off by bookshelves and a curtain for his desk and computer. marilyn pulled out the instructor's bag of goodies, and then surprised christy and me by giving us some, too. as she handed me the bag, i grinned and said, in traditional loud amy-fashion, "sweet! are these those f&%#@*-up cheetos?" about that time, Christy slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing, and Marilyn cracked up. i turned around (i'd had my back to the door), and there stood the instructor...my BIBLE instructor...with the biggest grin on my face i'd ever seen. my face turned bright, flaming red. FLAMING red. he put his arm around me and said, "That's all right, i hear that a lot in my church (he pastors at a downtown church that many of Lubbock's homeless community attend). This is a first, though, i've never heard it in my classroom before!" marilyn and christy were still gasping for air as we took our seats. ah, my big mouth...but how gracious of him to respond the way he did. that was nothing compared to what i was about to experience, though.

we each sat down at one of the six or seven tables grouped together on one side of the room. he passed out the exams (facedown, which i found odd). then he walked back to his office. we flipped over our exams, wrote our names, and looked down at the first question. i don't remember what it was, but i know it was easy. i scanned the four choices and found my answer...in bold. what? i looked at the next question. another fairly simple one. i scanned the answers again...and the same thing happened. the correct answer was in bold. no way, i thought. i scanned the rest of the first page. oh yeah. i looked up at Marilyn and Christy, who were also looking at each other. we shrugged, and Christy called out the instructor's name. "No talking," he responded, and then he fell silent. We looked back down at our exams and he turned on a CD...

"amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see.

'twas Grace that taught my heart to fear.
and Grace, my fears relieved.
how precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

through many dangers, toils and snares
i have already come;
'tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

the Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
i shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

when we've been here ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
we've no less days to sing God's praise
than when we've first begun.

amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see..."

amazing grace, indeed. the entire exam was done for us. every single answer was filled in, including the short-answer question. at the end of the exam, there was a letter typed out to each student who would be taking the exam. "this test has already been taken for you. God took it a long time ago. you will each receive an A on the exam." he went on to talk about grace (which he has discussed over and over the entire semester). grace is something given by the giver and never expected by the one who receives it. it is not earned or given only to the ones who paid attention or got certain grades. it is a FREE gift. as i read the letter, i was struck. this was grace. we would never have suspected this in our wildest dreams. we did nothing for it. we sure didn't do anything to deserve it. my eyes were the only dry ones in the room (because, as we all know, i am a freak with usually-defective tear ducts). at the end of the letter, he asked for suggestions to improve further classes.

again, i don't remember exactly what i wrote, but it was something along the lines of "despite the many times this semester you've pissed me off or made me laugh, you have made me think. you have made it impossible for me to stay in my little box of ideas and beliefs simply because that was how i was raised or that's what someone told me to think. you have forced me to see the way the other guy thinks and to take it into consideration. i have learned lessons in your class that will last far past getting my diploma...past my career...most probably, they will last until i am taken Home and into the courts of the King. and don't worry, i'll be still and let Christ speak for me. thank you."

the parallels between what he did and what Christ did continued even after i left the exam. all three of us were blown away. we humbly turned in our exams, thanked the instructor (who i think enjoyed the experience more than we did), and left. once out of the room, we revelled in what had just happened to us. we were shocked. floored. couldn't believe it. when we got done with our yakking, i got on the phone and started calling people. i called a friend who took the class last year. without even saying hi (she knew i'd just taken this final), i said, "does he always do that?" i could hear her grinning through the phone. "did you get grace?" um, yeah, Kim...we got grace. then i called up another friend, and another one after that, to tell them what happened. it was just so...amazing. and at the same time, my heart was breaking a little. would that my passion for Christ and my wonder at HIS amazing Grace move me to such action. i get what you were saying, beck...you got your point across.

yes...it has been a long, hard, sometimes sleepless-nights (and not because of work) year. i don't know as i want to repeat it any time soon. i am ready for a normal schedule. i'm ready to get back into the church and make some new friends. i'm ready for the next chapter in my life. but despite all the frustration, tears, and even the joys...i am so grateful i've had this year. i am so grateful for the lessons i've learned and the relationships that have been created. even...even the bad ones, although i am human and still angry and holding onto some of the hurts. romans 8 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. and despite my failings, i love Him...f'ed up cheetos and all.

blessings,
amy

the debate

So...i will now attempt to be as nonpartisan as possible.

McCain: respectful of his opponent. Called him "Senator Obama" throughout the debate, whether when speaking directly to him or speaking of his policies. Offered, for the most part, what seemed to be good, solid explanations of his plans in mostly clear, simple language without a lot of rhetoric. Seems proud of the fact that he is a revolutionary and explains on several occasions what that has meant during his terms as a Congressman. He stayed true to what his plans were for his presidency throughout the debate; namely, spending freezes, tax cuts for the rich, and having a specific plan for how and when to pull out of Iraq and what we will leave behind.

Obama: randomly called Mr. McCain either "John" or "Senator McCain", seemingly depending on his feelings of his opponent's statements. When confronted on issues by Senator McCain, either ignorned them, changed the subject, or responded with "That's not true" and then changed the subject, still refusing to clearly explain his stance for the most part. Spoke eloquently on the issues, but never really seemed to say anything at all. Changed his position on many issues, especially the Middle East; first talking about a specific date to pull out our American troops, and then a few sentences later saying, "No, I think we need more troops in Afghanistan."

(Attempt to be nonpartisan over). Yes, both candidates openly laughed at statements made by the other. Yes, both candidates interrupted each other. Yes, Senator McCain has been accused of not making eye contact with his opponent. However, Senator Obama behaved as an inexperienced, disrespectful (to his opponent and the President of the United States), hot-headed, obnoxious, flip-flopping, cater-to-whoever-I-can-get-to-vote-for-me candidate. Senator McCain never raised his voice. He stated clear facts and invited the American people viewing the debate to "look it up" when referring to both his policies and Senator Obama's. He relied on his experience both as a soldier and a Senator to guide his response. Yes, his policies are extremely conservative. But he is honest and open, something Senator Obama most definitely was NOT.

i feel you, alice.

remember that part in alice in wonderland when she's just starting to think she might have a clue, and then she comes upon the post with signs tacked to it, pointing in all directions?

i am so there.

i graduate in December. no more school for the time being...perhaps a masters' degree in a few years.

my lease is up in June. although it's been nice and definitely convenient to have mom and dad close by, it's not a necessity. there's always road trips and cell phones.

now, this one is hard. i know work is supposed to be work, but it's so much easier when you have people around that you're comfortable with. two of my people have gone to days, one was always there, and i just found out last night (for sure) that one is leaving.

she's different though. she's kind of my muse. she never got sick of my crazy questions, was always infinitely patient (we're talking put Job to shame), and she was my venting buddy. now granted, she's only moving within the hospital, and i'm still in school with her (at least til december), but still...it's different. there's several great projects she started for the unit that someone should pick up. i have a feeling that might be me.

i had my evaluation a week ago, and got fabulous scores and a merit raise. however, before anything else, my manager dropped a bomb on me. i walked in the door and she looked at me and said, "so...you want to go to days?"

*grab a chair for support*

i asked her a few weeks earlier than this to put me on the list. i thought...something different. why not? everyone i know is leaving night shift anyway, some of them to go to days. i don't know hardly anyone on nights anymore (well, i'm exaggerating a little), and some of the ones i do know are pissed-off-rattler mean. except they'll be tolerable to your face and then stab you in the back. who'd miss that? plus, there's so much more experience on days, and i really like a lot of them after getting to know them through report the last year and a half. a lot of the bad seeds have left, and the dynamic is totally different than it was a year ago. i could learn SO MUCH, so much faster. I would get more experience with lines and intubations because everyone on the shift isn't fighting (not fighting, but that's the best i can come up with) for every one we do, since most of us aren't checked off for transports at night. i could have a normal social life, for once.

or, I could move to San Antonio, an idea i've been toying with for the last couple of months. something TOTALLY different and new. all on my own. new hospital. learn lots of new stuff. different (probably prettier) scenery. it sounds glamorous in my head, but there are so many logistics to be worked out. and what about cost of living? how much more is it there? but i have a great friend who is urging me to come. "you'll love it," she says. and hey...the worst that could happen is i could hate it (doubt it) and then move back to the LBK, which has grown on me a lot in the last year or so.

so many decisions...so frustrating. could someone please wave their magic wand and display my future across the sky? and, if it's not too much...could there maybe be a boy in there somewhere? i know, everyone says it's not what its cracked up to be...but maybe i'd like to find that out for myself!

the best locked-out-of-my-house story E.V.E.R.!

so, we all know that i am prone to locking myself out of places-especially important ones like the car and the house. so me and miranda were leaving my house tonight and i was going to take her back to her dad's down the street. so i lock the front door, walk out, fiddle with my keys for my clicker to unlock the car, and realize...

i am not holding my keys.

i am holding miranda's keys.

oh, expletive.

so after realizing our predicament, miranda's like, are you sure you locked the front door? i am positive, but we check just in case. it's locked.

so then she goes, well, you just put the dogs out-that door's not locked! and i'm like, well, you see...i sort of have two back doors. i have a door with a screen door from the kitchen into the garage, and then a regular door with just a doggy door in it from the garage to the outside. so we decide to make sure the door to outside is locked.

it's locked.

so then...brilliance strikes.

miranda, bless all 5'11" of her, squats down, sticks her arm through the doggy door and up to the lock on the other side of the door. she fiddles a minute, and...

gets it unlocked.

GENIUS. i never would have been able to do that.

it was absolutely the greatest thing ever. we laughed all the way back to her dad's, me giving her props the whole time and talking about what a great story...ah, good times with friends...

blast from the past!

so, i was hunting WAY back in the back of my sent folder on yahoo for a file, and i found this. i sent it to my aunt at the beginning of 2004. let's see how my answers have (or haven't) changed... :)

1. What time do you get up?

2004: Sunday--between 730 and 830, MWF--11, T/Th--10, Saturday--varies...but NOT BEFORE NOON!
2008: that depends on whether i'm working nights, going to school during the day, or actually have a day off for once. working? around 5:00 PM. school? around 7 am. day off? when i wake up.

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be?

2004: i didn't answer. wonder why?
2008: my grandaddy, since he's gone now. we'd ride his motorcycle out to some old haunt he's known about forever and just talk.

3. Gold or silver?

2004: silver...all the way
2008: hasn't changed.

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

2004: Passion of the Christ
2008: i THINK it was 27 Dresses.

5. What is your favorite TV/Satellite show?

2004: Reba, when i actually watch TV. or Maternity Ward. Yeah...anything on Discovery Health.

2008: when i watch TV...Dr. Phil or Law and Order SVU.

6. What do you have for breakfast?

2004: are you kidding? i'm in college...sleep prevails over EVERYTHING! :)

2008: probably a PopTart or a breakfast hot pocket (sausage).

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?

2004: this guy Matt's dad or Jordan or this chick in my anatomy class or the secretary in the office i work in...except i AM stuck in a room with her sometimes...*shudders*
2008: one certain instructor. or a few of the ppl i work with (although, again, i occasionally have to be stuck with them). :)

8. What/who inspires you?

2004: Kristen, Jennifer, my mama
2008: Jesus, writing, Tiff

9. What is your middle name?

2004: Aline.
2008: obviously hasn't changed.

10. Beach, City or Country?

2004: i'm a city girl...but i can do the beach.
2008: City. then country.

11. Favorite ice cream?

2004: strawberry cheesecake or cookie dough
2008: Ben and Jerry's Creme Brulee. or strawberry.

12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn?

2004: Movie Theatre butter...y'know, the kind where you can pour it on...i know...heart attack waiting to happen...
2008: light butter.

13. Favorite color?

2004: Red/Hot pink
2008: red.

14. What kind of car do you drive?

2004: white '95 Buick...Catherine, can i have the Expedition if you get the Mini Cooper?
2008: white 2007 Hyundai Sonata. love my girl Lurch...

15. Favorite sandwich?

2004: Seafood 'n crab from Subway...with mayo and honey mustard...mmmmm...
2008: French dip from Quiznos.

16. What characteristics do you despise?

2004: LIARS. and stupid people.
2008: definitely still the same. and add people with woefully inadequate grammar skills.

17. Favorite flower?

2004: Fire-tipped tulips or roses (orange w/pink tips)
2008: stargazer lilies.

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go?

2004: LONDON!!!
2008: London/Ireland. preferably with a ruggedly sexy man who happens to be head-over-heels in love with me and also happens to be from one of said countries (doesn't matter which) and so has accent from said country.

19. What color is your bathroom?

2004: uhh, since it's a community bathroom...bluish green wall tiles and school-tile floor...but next year in my SUPER CUTE apartment it's going to be decorated in rubber duckies...
2008: khaki. but i have a red shower curtain...

20. Favorite brand of clothing?

2004: Old Navy.
2008: same.

21. Where would you like to retire to?

2004: i haven't even graduated from college yet!
2008: incidentally, still haven't graduated from college (although i'm working on it and HAVE graduated from nursing school)...but maybe the outskirts of some big city? or San Antonio?

22. Favorite day of the week?

2004: Saturday
2008: the rare day that i don't have to work OR go to school.

23. What did you do for your last birthday?

2004: Went home, had cake.
2008: went to tiff's parents', had cherry ring instead of cake, and took tiff and chris's engagement pics.

24. Where were you born?

2004: Longview
2008: same.

25. Favorite sport to watch?

2004: gymnastics...or Texas Tech FOOTBALL!!!!!
2008: gymnastics.

26. What fabric detergent do you use?

2004: Tide...you gonna send me quarters to DO my laundry?
2008: lavender and vanilla Tide. and i have my own washer and dryer now, thank you!

27. Coke or Pepsi?

2004: Coke
2008: hasn't changed.

28. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

2004: night.

2008: same.

29. What is your shoe size?

2004: depending on the brand...anywhere from a 2 to a 5.
2008: unfortunately...still the same.

30. Do you have any pets?

2004: George Bush.
2008: two chihuahuas: Maggie and Bridget.

31. What is your favorite candy?

2004: orange tic tacs
2008: skittles...or orange tictacs

32. Do you use cable, satellite, or neither?

2004: Ethernet...basically cable on steroids...
2008: cable.

33. What is your favorite holiday?

2004: why, my birthday of course!
2008: um...the one that i don't have to work?

34. If you could swap jobs for one week what job would you want to do?

2004: my future job...labor and delivery nurse.
2008: well...i was close to the mark up there. don't think i'd switch jobs, though...like mine too much!

35. How tall are you?

2004: 4'11"...i am LEGALLY a midget!
2008: again...unfortunately, same.

36. What is your favorite snack?

2004: whatever i have a hang for at the moment...
2008: you know the packages of club crackers with the easy cheese in them and the little red stick to spread it with? those.

37. Who was your first love (first name only).

2004: Stephen
2008: obviously still the same.

38. If you could meet anyone famous who would it be?

2004: George Bush...or Michael Jackson so i could give him a good kick.
2008: Shawn Johnson so i could give her mad props for her skills...or Julia Roberts. because she's just fab.

back to school...

well, school has started back. let me just say, thank you JESUS that I am done in december. why again do i keep telling people i'm going to get my masters' in a few years? am i crazy? do i really want to do this again? give it a few years...maybe then.

Bible should be interesting...i'm taking Romans and the professor is great-he told us his story last week in class, and let's just say he's been to hell and back. several times. the perfect example of the ragamuffin gospel. i'm stoked.

Community health...we'll see. lots of projects, as is custom in the LCU nursing department. i already got one thing done...gonna try to get as much done as possible early on, so i don't have to fool with it later.

Scientific inquiry...basically, intro to research. i think it will be interesting, but really...for three straight hours? maybe not so much. the professor is great, though...i have a feeling we won't EVER be staying the whole three hours. good times.

i can't believe it's almost september. the year is flying by. seems like yesterday it was january and i was in bekah's wedding and starting school. craziness. i'm kind of glad the year is almost over (relatively speaking). i feel like i have fallen so far in my spiritual walk. i want so much to be back in regular fellowship with a group of people who love me and care about every aspect of my life. i miss that. i miss it a lot. it's true what the Word says, that we were meant for fellowship. it is a hard thing to go this road we call life alone.

on a less serious note...i cut my hair! it's SO cute (well, i like it). kind of swept to the side in the front and about an inch and a half long in the back and kind of fluffed out...variation on what i had before i let my hair grow out. it feels more like me, for sure.

back to work now...much love!

glory babies

so i visited a new church last sunday, and the pastor's wife (who happened to be sitting behind me) introduced herself and we started talking. she discovered i am a NICU nurse and then told me she'd had a son in a NICU in Albuquerque several years before.

she then told me she'd been wanting to get involved somehow, to kind of "give back." she wtalked about coming in to rock/hold babies or help out any way we could. i told her some of the things our volunteers do, and the conversation ended shortly.

i leaned over to the friend i was visiting with, and she told me that this mother had not, in fact, left the hospital with her son.

ever.

my heart broke once again for the empty arms of yet another.

i never realized, until i entered this sacred world, how many lives have been touched by the tragedy of premature birth. i have been so richly blessed over the last two years to watch families grow and heal. what a privilege to be involved in the lives of their tiniest miracles. it means the world when someone thanks me for helping to heal their child. i am so thankful God has placed this particular calling on my life...

yesterday i visited the same church. afterward, i went to the visitors' center, because i didn't get an information packet last week. the pastor came up as i was talking to a few others, and introduced himself, saying he thought he remembered me. i told him i'd visited last week and met his wife. "Yeah," he said, "I think she mentioned you." "I'm the NICU nurse," I said. "Yeah," he said again, "I saw you two talking and thought you guys went way back. Then, I watched her praying over you during worship. She told me what you do. Thank you." He then told his nine year old son, "This is Amy. She works in the NICU, where Grayson was. Remember all those months when Grayson was in the hospital?"

And I was struck once again, my heart warming to see the healing that had taken place. I value those prayers so much...from the heart of a mother that has been irrevocably, everlastingly touched. She will not hold her son again in this life, but it speaks to my heart that she is healing and reaching out to bless others...that she is allowing God to use her as a testament to His grace and peace.

For Joel, Memphis, Grayson, and every other glory baby...

Glory Baby
Watermark

Glory baby
you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby...
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

CHORUS
But we miss you everyday
We miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘til mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies
it’s hard to understand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes
just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

CHORUS

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…

there i go again...

and here it is a month later, and i'm just now updating. life is busy, as always.

i changed my first broviac dressing tonight...imagine that, I've been a NICU nurse for over a year, and just now doing that. i felt kind of stupid asking for help and having to admit it was my first time ever...it's kind of like once you've been here six months, a year, once you've become a transport team member...you sort of expect yourself to know those things.

one of the girls who joined the transport team only a few months before i did placed lines on a new baby tonight. by herself. scrubbed in, sterile drapes (without taking 10 minutes to fully think through "this first, then this, d*&^%t, am i still sterile? yes? ok...then this..."), place the lines, suture, check the chest x-ray to ensure lines are in the right place (without having to go ask)...grr. she's been checked off and all that, but it's just frustrating to not be there yet. to still know that i am totally green as far as this transport thing goes...that at this point (and i'm not downing myself) i am probably more of a burden than a help.

humbling.

speed bumps

*about a year ago*

we had been hearing about the baby all night long. he'd been born at 3:30 that afternoon and gone under oxygen. that happens sometimes-babies need a little extra help transitioning from inside mama to the great big world. after several hours, though, the baby was still having trouble. i imagine someone went to that mother's room to tell her that her arms, aching now with a very present emptiness, would be joined with an aching and fearful heart-"We're going to have to transfer your baby to the NICU."

icu? intensive care? our baby is going to die? i can imagine the fear flashing through her heart, the drop in her stomach like a roller coaster ride, her eyes and throat constricting and welling up as a flood of tears makes itself present and showers her face. her firstborn, the child she has cherished since mid-march--and something is wrong.

we get him when he's about 15 hours old. he hangs on all day and part of the night, but is just not oxygenating as well as we'd like. we have to put him on CPAP about two in the morning, approximately 24 hours after we admit him to nicu. and again, that mother is awoken from sleep-your son is not doing as well as we'd like, so he'll need a little more help.

hand in hand, she and her husband come down the hall and go a floor below where they are, to the place that they know now is not full of death but is still scary. they go to little Jack*, and the plastic tent he was tucked into is gone, replaced with a blue machine standing by his bed. a mask is attached to his little nose and tied up around his head in a cap, a long white tube sticking up from the mask, his own little rhinocerous horn. they reach for his hands, hearts aching to know what's wrong with their son but at the same time wishing only that he was better.

a nurse appears and asks what questions they have. they look at each other, bewildered, not knowing enough to know what questions to ask. she begins to explain, seeming to understand their utter loss for words. softly, simply (but not in a condescending manner) she explains each piece of equipment and its basic purpose. she gives them an idea of what to expect while their son is here, shows them a place to bring toys and put them above his bed, little sentries watching over him when they are not there.

she seems to understand their fears and tells them that being here, touching him, talking quietly to him...these are the best things for him, almost better than anything they as nurses can do. they thank her, a bit more comforted, and she disappears, leaving them alone with their world-their child-and being more reassured that this is merely a speed bump-not the brick wall they'd thought.


that's one of the things i love the most. being able to sit with parents and give them a little reassurance that this precious child of theirs has a 97% chance of walking out of here alive. explaining the odds. reassuring them over and over that they didn't do anything wrong...that there are no stupid questions...and that it's ok to ask them over and over if they don't remember.

grass in my nose, dirt in my toes...i am SHE-RA!

so it's been a while since i mowed my yard...a while enough that it was roughly the same height as me (ok, maybe an exaggeration, but it was definitely too long). so when i got home from work, i ran my rent check to my landlord's house and then came home. after lifting my manual garage door up by myself, i went out to the back and brought the mower up to the front. i then proceeded to crank it BY MYSELF ON THE FIRST TRY and then mow the whole front and back yard in about an hour. the whole time i was kind of just grinning to myself and thinking i was pretty much hot stuff.

came back in and texted a good friend, "i am SHE-RA!" (She-Ra is my Superwoman alter ego). she told me i was funny. and then, out of nowhere...God decided to remind me just how amazing He thinks i am. i had an epiphany...here's my texted realization.

God gives me my she-ra moments to remind me that i can be strong and do anything i want, just me and Him. i can be proud of myself for doing stuff as a single woman. men are nice, but i have the ability to be confident in MYSELF and not need a man to reassure me and boost my self-worth. i can do lots of things...start the lawnmower on the first try and mow the whole yard, live by myself and not be scared when i'm the only one in the house in the middle of the night and it's not on an upper floor. i am beautiful even in a messed-up ponytail with sweat and dirt streaking my face, wearing paint-stained nike shorts and a sports bra. i can be a woman and still be myself. i can wear makeup and not be using it to hide myself.

in short...I ROCK!!!

side note before i go to bed...The American President always makes me want to cry...and have someone who cares about me deeply and can't live without me. especially the scene where she walks out of his closet wearing only one of his button-downs (ok, a little risque) and says she's not scared, and then the one at the end where she comes back and runs into his arms. sigh...*melt*...

Cara*

*not her real name

It was the end of my NICU orientation and I was in Labor and Delivery for the day, orienting with the transition nurse. I remember it was around nine in the morning, and things were starting to wake up (specifically, me). We were filling out the delivery log for the c-section we'd just finished when I heard the words "prolapsed cord." Right then, it was the calm moment before the hurricane hits harbor-the Category 5 hurricane. Nurses converged on that room like bees to a hive. The doctor had checked the patient, suspected a prolapse, and had the charge nurse verify. It was so.

We ran to the OR, flipped on the warmer, and ripped open the emergency box, endotracheal tubes and laryngoscope ready for one of my fellow NICU nurses who had just arrived. We were just laying out the nursery paperwork when they wheeled Cara* into the OR. A nurse gripped the bedrails on each side of the bed, and the charge nurse was IN the bed, her gloved hand holding the baby's head off the umbilical cord and thus keeping him alive.

Cara was moved onto the OR table and the nurses strapped her arms down and then began hurriedly prepping her swollen belly and inserting a Foley catheter. At the other end of the bed, the anesthesiologist pressed an oxygen mask to her face and began pulling medications out of glass vials. I looked through the window at the back of the OR and saw the two doctors scrubbing in. As they walked into the OR, taking the sterile towels from the scrub tech to dry their hands, I reached for mom's hand.

"Cara." She looked at me, fear bright in her tear-filled eyes. "Hi, Cara. My name is Amy, and I'm a nurse. I'm going to be taking care of your son when he comes out, okay? I want you to relax and breathe." The sterile drape was tossed over the top of my head, and I ducked as the anesthesiologist pinned it up. He began pushing anesthetics into her IV. I looked up and the surgeons were finishing the sterile gowning.

My eyes darted back to Cara. "Keep breathing that oxygen, okay? You're going to go to sleep for a while, and here in a minute, you're going to have a baby. Just relax." Her eyes were heavy. The anesthesiologist gave one last push of medication, and her eyes closed. He quickly pulled off the mask, inserted a laryngoscope blade in her mouth, and slid the endotracheal tube in with one smooth motion, just as the doctor made her first cut. My warmer alarm was going off, so I turned around to silence it. When I looked back, I could see a tear sliding down Cara's cheek.

Forty-five seconds later, a beautiful baby boy was pulled kicking and screaming from his mother's womb, and he didn't stop. We quickly dried him off, watched him turn pink, and weighed and measured him. I put a warm hat on his head, an identification band on one arm and the opposite ankle, and then reached over and secured a larger bracelet with identical numbers on his mother's wrist. Then, I wrapped that precious child, whose APGAR scores were better than any infant we delivered that day, and took him to his mother.

She was not conscious, but her face was the first one that baby touched, the first cheek his lips kissed.

I readjusted his hat and blankets. It was time to meet daddy now-the man who we had left, fearful, at the Labor and Delivery nurses station as we raced into the OR with his wife. The transition nurse pushed the crib and had the nursery paperwork, and I carried the precious bundle down the short hallway from the OR back to Labor and Delivery. The door swung open, and there stood a man in a cowboy hat, denim shorts, and a button-down shirt, looking more scared than any man I had seen before or have seen since.

I smiled and said, "Daddy, someone has been anxiously waiting to meet you." I handed him his child as the tears rained down his cheeks. He laughed, held his son up, and said, "He's beautiful. Perfect. Is he ok?" We reassured him that his son and wife were just fine, and he laughed again, still crying, as he cradled his firstborn son...

welcome back, me...

well, here i am. i have been a busy little bee the last several months. as much as i've wanted to, i haven't had time to get on here and post.

i've realized a few things over the last several months. as a budding author hoping to one day be published, i am finally understanding just how much truth there is in the statement that you should write what you know. talking about NICU is an every day thing for me: i forget that most of the population never enters the mysterious world that is such an intimate part of my life, and they are fascinated by the stories i tell. so that's what this is now. this is my new decompression device to process what happens at work. i'm going to use this to practice my writing. feel free to comment, critique, or add your stories. i pray these stories are an inspiration to someone.

i suppose i feel somewhat like the character John Boy in the old series The Waltons. he loved to write, but the only thing he knew where the stories of his family and of growing up during the Great Depression. so he wrote...and wrote...and wrote. and he graduated from college and became published.

so let me welcome you (with the utmost respect and commitment to my patients' privacy and to HIPAA regulations that guide my practice) to my world.