i feel you, alice.

remember that part in alice in wonderland when she's just starting to think she might have a clue, and then she comes upon the post with signs tacked to it, pointing in all directions?

i am so there.

i graduate in December. no more school for the time being...perhaps a masters' degree in a few years.

my lease is up in June. although it's been nice and definitely convenient to have mom and dad close by, it's not a necessity. there's always road trips and cell phones.

now, this one is hard. i know work is supposed to be work, but it's so much easier when you have people around that you're comfortable with. two of my people have gone to days, one was always there, and i just found out last night (for sure) that one is leaving.

she's different though. she's kind of my muse. she never got sick of my crazy questions, was always infinitely patient (we're talking put Job to shame), and she was my venting buddy. now granted, she's only moving within the hospital, and i'm still in school with her (at least til december), but still...it's different. there's several great projects she started for the unit that someone should pick up. i have a feeling that might be me.

i had my evaluation a week ago, and got fabulous scores and a merit raise. however, before anything else, my manager dropped a bomb on me. i walked in the door and she looked at me and said, "so...you want to go to days?"

*grab a chair for support*

i asked her a few weeks earlier than this to put me on the list. i thought...something different. why not? everyone i know is leaving night shift anyway, some of them to go to days. i don't know hardly anyone on nights anymore (well, i'm exaggerating a little), and some of the ones i do know are pissed-off-rattler mean. except they'll be tolerable to your face and then stab you in the back. who'd miss that? plus, there's so much more experience on days, and i really like a lot of them after getting to know them through report the last year and a half. a lot of the bad seeds have left, and the dynamic is totally different than it was a year ago. i could learn SO MUCH, so much faster. I would get more experience with lines and intubations because everyone on the shift isn't fighting (not fighting, but that's the best i can come up with) for every one we do, since most of us aren't checked off for transports at night. i could have a normal social life, for once.

or, I could move to San Antonio, an idea i've been toying with for the last couple of months. something TOTALLY different and new. all on my own. new hospital. learn lots of new stuff. different (probably prettier) scenery. it sounds glamorous in my head, but there are so many logistics to be worked out. and what about cost of living? how much more is it there? but i have a great friend who is urging me to come. "you'll love it," she says. and hey...the worst that could happen is i could hate it (doubt it) and then move back to the LBK, which has grown on me a lot in the last year or so.

so many decisions...so frustrating. could someone please wave their magic wand and display my future across the sky? and, if it's not too much...could there maybe be a boy in there somewhere? i know, everyone says it's not what its cracked up to be...but maybe i'd like to find that out for myself!