grace so amazing, i can hardly understand...

grace, people, is a beautiful thing...and i'm not sure if God enjoys giving it more or we enjoy receiving it more. to you, the one who showed unspeakable grace to me (you know who you are)...thank you. you bless my heart. much love, my sister.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain: Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
Just in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!(Refrain)

Yes ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.(Refrain)

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.(Refrain)

more and more, bit by bit, piece by piece...i can see God healing my own heart. he is slowly drawing me out of myself and making my past my testimony...a way to minister to other women. i got that chance this week, and it was beautiful. a friend had part of this song on her facebook, and it so perfectly speaks to my heart. to my friend who is hurting so desperately right now and is so in need of a rescue...a miracle...a blessing...may He be enough. i am praying that the arms of the One you love embrace you..."To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." (jude 24-25).

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

~Heal the Wound, Point of Grace

I DID IT!!!

blood...sweat...tears...anger...joy...peace...laughter...

just a few of the adjectives that describe the year for me. like i said in my last post...i can't believe it's flown by. sitting in my seat this morning with my dad behind me, a great friend on either side of me, and three more good friends in the audience along with my mom, grandmother and brother...it was surreal.

i guess it will all hit that i'm finished with school for the time being here in a few months. i cannot imagine life without class, papers, exams, lectures...guess it's really time to start being an adult.

pinning was thursday night, and it was really pretty neat. small, intimate ceremony. my dad had told me he was going to be a little late because he had a meeting at 4:00 in Amarillo, but he would just slide into a seat in the back when he got there. no problem. i was sitting in the very front row on the opposite side of the room from the doors, so i never saw if he made it in by the time i got pinned and they read my little thing about my future plans and la-dee-dah. at the end of the ceremony, i got up and turned around to where mom, mutha (Lauren's mom) and my grandmother were. i was about to say something, and then i noticed that Pam's mouth was just hanging open. "what?" i said. "what's wrong with you?" she couldn't say anything, just pointed to a spot in front of her. i turned to look, and there was my dad...

WITH MY BROTHER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN GERMANY!!!!!!

dad and mark had been plotting this for like three months. he'd only just gotten the approval a few weeks ago. dad had a meeting all right...he had to pick bubba up at the airport! they missed the whole ceremony; they'd only just made it in time for the ending prayer because the ceremony only lasted like 45 minutes. BUT BUBBA CAME HOME!! he's here til the 28th, and they're doing Christmas early in louisiana and then coming to my house on the 24th, even though i gotta work :(. anyway. it was wicked exciting.

Friday we got up and got Krispy Kremes and kolaches from Donut Depot. Karyn came over for breakfast, and we all just sat around talking and hanging out. Did a little shopping later that day and then Stella's for dinner, which it was a miracle we got in since it was Friday night, we had no reservations, AND Tech and LCU's graduations were the next day. yum.

Saturday morning...we got up too early. i know, i know...i'm about to start day shift and i better get used to it, but bear with me...it's gonna take a while. Graduation was good, even though we had to prance up and down the stairs to practice too many times. Seriously...we've made it through to a bachelor's degree; i think we can walk around in a circle and make it to the right seat. whatev. thanks trisha and cake for coming...you guys REALLY didn't have to do that, but thanks...nice to know you love me. :)

lunch at roadhouse (cheese fries...yum!) and then the fam decided they were going to go back to amarillo early so mark could have more time with his friends...he'll be here christmas eve, and he's back in the states in feb, so that was ok with me. besides, i was exhausted and in desperate need of a nap.

so overall...good weekend. it was wicked cool to hear my name called and walk across that stage, but it just doesn't seem real yet, like Christmas break will be over and i'll be back in class. i don't think it will be a hard adjustment, though... :)

blessings,
amy :)

f'ed up cheetos

PRAISE the LORD...graduation is NIGH!!! pinning is thursday, graduation on saturday morning. who is stoked? *waves hand wildly in the air* not gonna lie...it's been a ridiculous, insanity year. i can't believe how much has happened. i can't believe that i registered for classes a whole YEAR ago...time has flown. it's been hard, but God has blessed me with so many new friendships and i have learned so much.

the year started with genetics (where a friend was waiting, but i didn't know it yet) and leadership. Leadership was an experience in itself. My small group had some of the most amazing discussions I have ever been privy to. That's one reason I loved LCU so much...there is such a wide range of nursing experience. I regularly sat next to people who have been nurses for as long as I have been ALIVE. It was great to throw an issue out and hear from people from all walks of the nursing life, with every different clinical competency you can think of, who have walked through fire and hell and joy and laughter and tears and yet still emerge with a love of nursing that is quite possibly greater than it was when they started.

I met a crazy nut named Christy in that small group who is not afraid to speak her opinion and is one of the strongest women I know. She is a nurse manager in an adult ICU, and if i liked adult patients, i would work for her in a heartbeat. She is one of my nursing heroes, simply because for her, after 17 years, the most important person is still her patient. Despite all the BS and politics that have wormed their way into nursing, she holds strong to the belief that taking care of patients is more important than budgeting or meetings or justifying any one of the hundred things a day that she does. And she takes care of her staff, plain and simple.

also during the spring, i lost my grandaddy. he was diagnosed with West Nile Virus at the beginning of February, and, on March 12, 2008, God came down, picked him up, and carried him Home. i will forever be thankful that, even though bubba didn't get to come home from the army like we thought he would, i went to Louisiana for Christmas 2007. i almost volunteered to work, and I am so grateful that God kept me from that. Christmas was the last time i saw my grandaddy alive. my last memories are of him alive and well and smiling at the matching fleece LSU blankets i made for him and my grandmother. the day we buried him was perfect...the sun was shining and the barest hint of breeze was blowing. it would have been a day he would have spent outside, either in his shop working with his hands or on his beloved motorcycle, going to see one of any number of good friends. i will be forever blessed by his influence in my life.

On to the summer. Bubba came home after 14 months of absence, and it was a blast. Lots of bonding...especially at two in the morning in Eastland, Texas after mom's car broke down on the way to my grandmother's in Louisiana. That's one of the ones we'll be talking about when we're in our sixties, I'm sure.

LCU: physical assessment, professional role development, trends and issues, history/theories/therapies in nursing, complementary and alternative therapies, and a one-week rural health trip in new mexico. Christy was pretty much right there next to me in all of those classes. we did our assessments on each other and we were roommates for a week in new mexico (which would be a whole 'nother *inflammatory* entry that probably should not be posted on the internet). i wouldn't call that trip a positive experience (tolerable is pushing it), but several of us bonded together under the opposition. :)

then there was fall. romans, community health, and scientific inquiry. community health was an experience but, again, not one that i will remember fondly and i should probably not post the dirty, intimate details online. you can call me for those. :) but, as always happens, the underlings bound together under the opposition...

Trisha, i had a blast getting to know you. i'm sorry you got blasted on the phone, but hey...it makes for a great story, and in the end, we were right anyway. and i promise never to use acronyms when i'm around you...at least, NVOIICHI. (not very often if i can help it) ;). thanks for listening so many times. thanks for your prayers (because i know they were there). thanks, too, for introducing me to Cane's...can't get much better than their sauce AND pellet ice. :) i don't think you know what a blessing you are.

romans...again, fun with Christy and Marilyn. but more than anything...wow. i started this class with an attitude, annoyed at what i percieved as the instructor flaunting his "past" and using it for shock value by telling it as his testimony (which it is). i closed my head to hearing a lot of what he had to say, which i now regret. throughout the semester, he was really great to me and the other two (we were the only nurses in the class in addition to being the only nontraditional students). at the end of this semester, we figured out that the final was going to conflict with our work schedules...which anyone knows are almost impossible to change. we stayed after class, and he said, "don't worry...do you trust me?" and so we're like, ok. we ended up working out a deal with him to come in right after the last class day and take the exam. our rationale was that we don't even know any of the other people in the class, so no way are we gonna go hunting them down to tell them about the test. after some hemming and hawing, he agreed.

the day before the final, i had been discussing the previous exams with Marilyn, speculating on what questions would be on the test, whether they would be verbatim, etc. as we talked, she was baking Christmas goodies. she told me about one she'd been making forever...caramel cheetos. WHAT?? i know, i know, she said...it's the wrongest thing ever to do to a cheeto, and it sounds disgusting...but i promise, they're amazing. and i'm like, whatever. a little more talking, and we decided that it would be really nice to thank this instructor for all he'd done for us this semester by bringing him some home-baked goodies and a thank-you card. Marilyn didn't mind, because she said she'd be baking all day anyway. i told her i'd get the card and shortly after, we hung up.

wednesday after class, the three of us trooped down to his office. let me set the stage: the man is the missions director, so his office is actually a classroom with one corner walled off by bookshelves and a curtain for his desk and computer. marilyn pulled out the instructor's bag of goodies, and then surprised christy and me by giving us some, too. as she handed me the bag, i grinned and said, in traditional loud amy-fashion, "sweet! are these those f&%#@*-up cheetos?" about that time, Christy slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing, and Marilyn cracked up. i turned around (i'd had my back to the door), and there stood the instructor...my BIBLE instructor...with the biggest grin on my face i'd ever seen. my face turned bright, flaming red. FLAMING red. he put his arm around me and said, "That's all right, i hear that a lot in my church (he pastors at a downtown church that many of Lubbock's homeless community attend). This is a first, though, i've never heard it in my classroom before!" marilyn and christy were still gasping for air as we took our seats. ah, my big mouth...but how gracious of him to respond the way he did. that was nothing compared to what i was about to experience, though.

we each sat down at one of the six or seven tables grouped together on one side of the room. he passed out the exams (facedown, which i found odd). then he walked back to his office. we flipped over our exams, wrote our names, and looked down at the first question. i don't remember what it was, but i know it was easy. i scanned the four choices and found my answer...in bold. what? i looked at the next question. another fairly simple one. i scanned the answers again...and the same thing happened. the correct answer was in bold. no way, i thought. i scanned the rest of the first page. oh yeah. i looked up at Marilyn and Christy, who were also looking at each other. we shrugged, and Christy called out the instructor's name. "No talking," he responded, and then he fell silent. We looked back down at our exams and he turned on a CD...

"amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see.

'twas Grace that taught my heart to fear.
and Grace, my fears relieved.
how precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

through many dangers, toils and snares
i have already come;
'tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

the Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
i shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

when we've been here ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
we've no less days to sing God's praise
than when we've first begun.

amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see..."

amazing grace, indeed. the entire exam was done for us. every single answer was filled in, including the short-answer question. at the end of the exam, there was a letter typed out to each student who would be taking the exam. "this test has already been taken for you. God took it a long time ago. you will each receive an A on the exam." he went on to talk about grace (which he has discussed over and over the entire semester). grace is something given by the giver and never expected by the one who receives it. it is not earned or given only to the ones who paid attention or got certain grades. it is a FREE gift. as i read the letter, i was struck. this was grace. we would never have suspected this in our wildest dreams. we did nothing for it. we sure didn't do anything to deserve it. my eyes were the only dry ones in the room (because, as we all know, i am a freak with usually-defective tear ducts). at the end of the letter, he asked for suggestions to improve further classes.

again, i don't remember exactly what i wrote, but it was something along the lines of "despite the many times this semester you've pissed me off or made me laugh, you have made me think. you have made it impossible for me to stay in my little box of ideas and beliefs simply because that was how i was raised or that's what someone told me to think. you have forced me to see the way the other guy thinks and to take it into consideration. i have learned lessons in your class that will last far past getting my diploma...past my career...most probably, they will last until i am taken Home and into the courts of the King. and don't worry, i'll be still and let Christ speak for me. thank you."

the parallels between what he did and what Christ did continued even after i left the exam. all three of us were blown away. we humbly turned in our exams, thanked the instructor (who i think enjoyed the experience more than we did), and left. once out of the room, we revelled in what had just happened to us. we were shocked. floored. couldn't believe it. when we got done with our yakking, i got on the phone and started calling people. i called a friend who took the class last year. without even saying hi (she knew i'd just taken this final), i said, "does he always do that?" i could hear her grinning through the phone. "did you get grace?" um, yeah, Kim...we got grace. then i called up another friend, and another one after that, to tell them what happened. it was just so...amazing. and at the same time, my heart was breaking a little. would that my passion for Christ and my wonder at HIS amazing Grace move me to such action. i get what you were saying, beck...you got your point across.

yes...it has been a long, hard, sometimes sleepless-nights (and not because of work) year. i don't know as i want to repeat it any time soon. i am ready for a normal schedule. i'm ready to get back into the church and make some new friends. i'm ready for the next chapter in my life. but despite all the frustration, tears, and even the joys...i am so grateful i've had this year. i am so grateful for the lessons i've learned and the relationships that have been created. even...even the bad ones, although i am human and still angry and holding onto some of the hurts. romans 8 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. and despite my failings, i love Him...f'ed up cheetos and all.

blessings,
amy