you know those days when nothing seems to go right?

so, last night was a great night...i was working near a good friend and right in the same area as two others (our unit is split into five different pods that hold 5-10 patients apiece). we were having a grand time laughing, talking to families, and doing everything else you do to keep yourself awake after two o'clock in the morning. things were going along dandy until about 5:30. all of a sudden, it seemed like i had everything to do and no time to do it. draw labs, get kids their last diaper change and temp check, close out charts, feed a baby (which i did like 30 minutes late, but he was sleeping and he needed rest!), give antibiotics, and finish charting. ugh. suffice it to say, i gave perhaps the worst report of my life to the nurse who oriented me for ten weeks, realized that i didn't put in orders, forgot to give a kid a suppository, one of my chest xrays wasn't done...you get the picture. i came home really frustrated. i wanted to cry. i didn't--i got in bed and turned my heating pad on and cuddled with my puppies and went to sleep.

woke up a little more refreshed. they brought my service flag for my brother today...super exciting. i have it hanging in my window now. it's a vertical rectangular shape-there's a heavy red border, and then the middle is white with a blue star in the middle of it to signify that a member of my family is serving in the military in a time of war. i got my mom one too, but she won't know until she gets it in the mail. i'm really excited...i think she'll like it.

sorry...needed to vent a little. more later...

i am humbled...

...so incredibly humbled. on a daily basis, i am entrusted with the tiniest (and sometimes not so tiny) miracles life gives. every day, parents come and go and leave their child, their world, the sum of all of their dreams, in my care. they trust that i will give love to their children as i would my own. they leave knowing that their little one will be comforted and given patience as God gives...patience as they will.

sometimes, i fail. a lot of times, actually. i forget the sanctity of the lives i am entrusted with. i forget grace and allow frustration to take over. i lose my patience. i forget that this is not just a job...this is a privileged calling that God has graciously placed on my life. this is not a career (although bills do have to be paid and money's good for that).

this thing that i do every day...it's about loving people. it's about allowing God to use me to speak peace and courage into the lives of His scared children...and some who are not His. it is about teaching families how to live. it is about allowing tiny lives...tiny hearts with the spirits of warriors, to live. and sometimes...sometimes it is about walking the dark roads of pain and the deep, deep valley of death with people who should be taking their children home...not having to make the decision to let them go and allow God to come down, gather them into His arms, and take them home.

the last week and a half has been like that. on october 25, 2007, we lost one of our little ones. memphis was born on may 26th at 24 weeks. for five months, he fought for his life. about 5:00 pm on the day he died, memphis started having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. his mom was called, and she came up and held him for the last few hours of his life. at 7:23 pm, she made the most difficult decision any parent can ever make: to turn off the ventilator and allow him to go home to God and not hurt anymore. at 7:42 pm, God came down from heaven and picked up little Memphis and took him home. as glad as we were for this little one to not be hurting and struggling anymore, it was heartbreaking. for five months, we loved this child and fought as hard as we could to give him life. in the end, God had a different plan.

however, in light of all of this, i am convinced of one thing: EVERY CHILD has a purpose, whether they live for five minutes, five days, five months, five years...or into adulthood. this child taught me so many things. he had a few special cd's in his room that we played for him when he wasn't able to calm down. one night, i was taking care of him and he was very irritable. he wasn't sleeping and absolutely wouldn't calm down. i was so frustrated and then i remembered his music. when i turned it on, he began to calm down almost immediately. i gently re-swaddled him, put him in his favorite position, held his pacifier for him, and began to pat him on the back while silently speaking prayers of patience for myself and peace for him. one of the songs on that cd, Be Thou My Vision, happens to be a favorite hymn of mine, and God began speaking peace into my heart as i listened to it in that dark, quiet room. i was reminded then of what i am truly living for; of what my calling truly is. it is true what it says in God's word when He reminds us that we must become like little children: innocent, trusting.

at the funeral, they played another song off of the CD, one that we as nurses noticed that Memphis seemed to calm down to more when he heard it than when he heard other songs.

Lord of all creation

Of water, earth, and sky

The heavens are Your tabernacle

Glory to the Lord on High

God of wonders, beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth (2X)

Early in the morning

I will celebrate the light

And as I stumble through the darkness

I will call Your name by night

God of wonders, beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth (2X)

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth (3X)

God of wonders, beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

Precious Lord, reveal Your heart to me

Father holy, holy

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy, holy, holy

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth (6X)

Lord of heaven and earth

Lord of heaven and earth

Early in the morning

I will celebreate the light

and as I stumble through the darkness

I will call your name by night

God of wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

The universe declares your majesty

You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth

Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

God of wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

Precious Lord reveal your heart to me

Father holy, holy

the universe declares your majesty

you are holy, holy, holy, holy

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

how incredible that God spoke to this small child through music, that he was calmed when the song played and reminded him of God's great love and power and strength, of the promise of our ability to call on Him when we are weak and hurting. near the end of his life, we were keeping memphis sedated a lot of the time so he wouldn't feel a lot of pain. i truly believe God was holding him even then, loving him and speaking words of peace into his soul.

sorry if this wasn't the most exciting post...it's things that have been on my heart for a while and that i wanted to get off. pray for me and the rest of the nurses i work with, that we'll never become hardened and that we'll always be able to offer comfort and hold out life to the families we work with.

much love.