moving day

i am sitting on the floor in my house to blog this. as i type, the movers are covering my furniture with blankets and very quickly and efficiently packing my life into a fraction of the square footage that i've had it spread out in. i'm just grateful to not have to be doing it. they're packing everything into the moving van (in front of someone else's stuff...it was supposed to be dropped off before they came here, but the people who own it had somewhere more important to be today. they stood the movers up after a nine hour drive. i don't know about y'all, but i can't think of many things more important than being at a predetermined place when my stuff shows up. whatever.

after the movers finish packing my stuff in the truck, they are driving straight back to Houston to drop off one of the movers and to get some sleep. then, tomorrow, they will drive from houston to san antonio and bring me my stuff. we hope. the guy in charge said they have to give me a time range just in case something disastrous happens (please Jesus, put your hand on this truck, and that's for reals there), but they should have my stuff to me tomorrow. again, all sorts of prayer would be greatly appreciated!

at this point, i'm just glad they're here...i called the company yesterday because they had told me i'd hear from the movers a few days in advance to set up a time for them to be at my house. after much confusion and wrong information, i was told they'd be here between noon and two o'clock today, because they were coming from houston. lovely. so i got myself all in a bother instead of trusting God that if his hand has been in this from the beginning, it will be in the moving part, too. so they're here and all is good and i can't believe that this is my last day in a town that i've spent almost the last seven years living in.

so at this point, the plan for me and mom is that we will drive to San Antonio tonight and stay with my friend Michelle and then go to my new place tomorrow and start getting stuff in the fridge, figuring out where everything is going to go, etc. then hopefully the movers will be there tomorrow afternoon. God, give me patience...i am having a really hard time letting go and trusting someone else with my stuff. maybe i should downsize? :)

so that's all for the moment...more updates later. maybe even tonight when we get to san antonio!! hopefully it'll only take the movers another hour or so and we'll be on the road in another hour and a half. hopefully...

much love to all my lubbockites! i love you and i'm gonna miss you heaps!!! to all my future...what do you call people who live in san antonio?...well, to all my future whatever-you-call-yous...i can't wait to get to know you!

T minus 10 days...

...until my life is completely changed. this chapter is almost finished and, in fact, God has already begun writing the next one. Pray for me, friends...for courage, to be outgoing and friendly...and that I will lean into the MOST everlasting Arms on the days surely to come when I will be afraid, sad, missing my friends and family, missing my unit...missing everything familiar. A lot of people haven't heard the whole story, beginning to end, so I thought I would repost an email I sent to a friend who was wondering how it all came about. Maybe it's not right to say it was "God's will" that I move to San Antonio, but as you read, I hope you can sense (as I have on many occasions) that God's hand has definitely been in this from before the beginning and believe along with me that I am pretty sure I have His blessing.

the San Antonio story

I started thinking about my next steps in my career about a year ago...I was at Lubbock Christian working on my bachelor's degree in nursing. most of my college friends were married and/or had moved away from Lubbock, and I chose to continue renting when I graduated from nursing school, not knowing what the next few years held. Around May 2008, I started tossing around the idea of moving to a bigger city. Dallas was out; it's TOO big. Houston? Too big, too close to hurricanes. I didn't want to be on the verge of evacuation for six months out of the year. San Antonio? hmm. Warm...hills...trees...gorgeous...So I toyed with the idea and did a little research.

I knew that if I moved, I wanted to work in a Christus Health System affiliated hospital. They are a system that I've heard great things about and seen great things from. They took incredible care of my Grandaddy before he died. Also, as part of a rural health trip to New Mexico for a class I took toward my bachelor's degree, we spoke to the CEO of a hospital that had recently merged with the Christus system. He went on and on about how wonderful they had been to him and to his staff and employees and how smoothly the merge had gone (you have to know...hospital mergers are usually about as peaceable as a meeting between God and Satan!). So I got online last spring and figured out that San Antonio was, indeed, home to a Christus hospital...Christus Santa Rosa, located downtown. I put the idea to the back of my head, because I had a VERY busy summer ahead of me.

Toward the end of the summer, a flyer for a pediatric conference appeared in the nurses' lounge at work. I picked it up and saw that one of the sessions was about brain cooling for a condition called HIE (hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy)...basically, it happens when, in an otherwise healthy, close to full-term pregnancy, something happens that suddenly deprives the baby of oxygen...the placenta breaks away from the uterine wall, the uterus ruptures, the umbilical cord slips down into the vaginal canal and the pressure from the baby's head prevents the flow of oxygen, etc. Anyway, lots of research has been done in the last several years and experts are finding that if we cool these babies down to 92 degrees fahrenheit for 72 hours, it seems to help prevent the death of so many brain cells from lack of oxygen and thus these kids have less (or less severe) long term complications (cerebral palsy, etc.). the hospital I am currently at has not implemented that procedure yet, but I had heard about it and was really curious about the ins and outs of it and how well it's working. Well...after I get all pumped up about going to this conference because of that, I flip over the flyer to find out where the conference is. Yup, you guessed it. San Antonio. And guess who the sponsoring hospital was for the conference? Right again. Christus Santa Rosa. Well, I have always prayed that God make things really obvious for me, because I'm not real smart...

So I booked the hotel and the flight. The brain cooling for HIE session was first. The doctor who led the discussion was a physician who works in the Christus NICU (along with several other area NICUs). At one point, he asked one of the girls I had been talking to beforehand a question about a policy, and I decided to see if I could sit with her at lunch, since she obviously worked in a hospital with this procedure in place. So when the session was over, I followed her back to her table. Shocker...she's one of the two nurse educators for the Santa Rosa NICU. I had followed her back to a table full of NICU nurses who worked in the unit I wanted to be in.

I sat next to a girl named Michelle...little chick with hair dyed so platinum it looked steel-gray, who has been a nurse for close to 10 years. She blew me away...everyone talks about their baby days in nursing when they were so excited about everything, and how it gradually dies off for everyone. Not so for my girl Michelle. Here she was almost 10 years in and still gets excited about procedures, transports...and LEARNING! The girl wants to know everything, just like me. She talked about how there's several nurses in the unit she works in that still love their jobs even after many years of nursing...who still want to learn...who don't show up just for a paycheck. So I was totally in heaven for the rest of lunch. The two of us talked nonstop about the difference in practices in our two units, etc. It was so great! I told Michelle that we were supposed to get a tour of her hospital, including the NICU, that night. She told me to get a good look around and tell her what I thought that day.

A shuttle took us up to the hospital later for our tour. We were split into groups, and then I found out that the chick who was supposed to tour the group that I was in had never even BEEN to the NICU...she was a pediatrics nurse who had never had reason to step foot in there. Dammit! So she told us we would walk through and the nurse manager had agreed to tell us a little about the place. Well, we walked through and it was a really neat place, but the nurse manager didn't go into a lot of detail or tell me anything Michelle hadn't already. Oh well.

So the next morning, Michelle asks how it went, and when I tell her, she's like, "bummer!". We talked some more during the opening session and then went our separate ways before lunch. During lunch, I sat with her group again, and we talked some more. Then she asked if I was catching a plane back to Lubbock right after the conference was over. I told her no; I was going to spend a few days with a friend who would be picking me up when the conference was over. "Well," she says, "I have to leave a little early because my daughter has a choir concert, but it will be done by the time the conference is over. What if I swung back by here and picked you up and took you up to my unit, and I can give you a better tour than you got last night?" I was floored. She barely knew me and here she's offering to take me up there like we're best friends or something (might I add she had started hinting the first day of conference that I should come down and work with her!). I told her I'd love to. So she picks me up and gives me like a 45 minute tour! Then she takes me back to the hotel and tells me to keep in touch.

When I got back to Lubbock, I started to do some serious praying and soul-searching. Was this what God had for me next? A million what-ifs where whirling through my head (they still are, actually)...what about making new friends? finding a church? not knowing ANYONE? how will my body handle flipping back to nights (because I don't mind working nights, but it's a whole lot easier to schedule stuff when you're working days)? I love the unit I've worked in for the last two and a half years...I started there while I was still in nursing school. The people there have raised me up in this profession so far, and it's going to be really hard for me to "cut the apron strings" with my "mamas", so to speak. I have so many great memories from there, and have built some great friendships.

At the same time...this new thing is an incredible opportunity, and I think I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't jump into the unknown with only the Father to cling to. There's a Mark Schultz song that speaks my heart perfectly. It's called "When the Mountains Fall"...it's talking more about how when your life is falling down around you, you have to have the courage to jump and trust that the Father will take care of you, but i think it's appropriate in this situation too... "...you step out in faith/it's all that you know/you jump into darkness/and hold onto hope//when the mountains fall/when the rivers rise/security crumbles before your eyes/one thing you know/in faith you'll find/something to stand on/or you will be taught to fly.."

'Round the middle of February, I decided it would be smart to get moving on this thing. I did a little more research on the town, and I had been talking since November to Michelle, learning more about the unit I might be going to...etc. I figured it would be good to go down and meet the nurse manager, introduce myself and all, and maybe get one more tour of the unit. Then I decided that was crazy...if I'm gonna be driving 400 miles, I might as well go ahead and interview! I started the online application and then, on Monday, March 2, I called up the unit to see if I could meet the nurse manager and set up an interview time. The manager told me I actually needed to talk to the director, but that she was in meetings all week. However, the manager didn't think the meetings would last all day, so she promised to give her my name and number and told me to go ahead and finish the application so that HR would have a few days to get it rolled over to Catherine (the director) so that she'd be able to review it. No problem.

So I call up Michelle and tell her the plan (since I was going to be staying with her) and she offered to toss out my name and some props to Catherine. Sweet, I say. So Michelle calls me up a day or two later and tells me that I have an interview on Friday at 1:00. I started reviewing interview questions like mad in anticipation. I wasn't sure if the interview would be just with Catherine or if it would be a peer interview, but I wanted to be ready to answer whatever. I had also been praying that, when I did have an interview, I would be able to convey my excitement and my desire to learn and just be able to show this lady that I would be a valuable asset to her team because of my willingness and excitement and desire to learn (and my all around fabulousness...just kidding! :) ). See, since I'm only two years in, I'm just barely considered competent and am probably still considered a "baby" nurse...just getting my feet wet. So it's harder to convince people to pick me, since I don't have so much experience.

So I walk into this interview and it's just Catherine and a student nurse who is following her as part of an internship. Little intimidated, but I've got a smile on my face. So she starts out by introducing herself and then says, "I'm really sorry, but your application still hasn't rolled over to me from HR, so I know NOTHING about you...could you kind of tell me about yourself?" !!!! Total answer to prayers...without having seen my application, she didn't even know how long I'd been a nurse...what kind of experience I did or did not have...she was a blank slate! Thank you Jesus! So i got to tell her about me, about what I've done, what I want to do, what my future plans are...totally let my personality shine through. THe interview only lasted 10 or 15 minutes, very informal...once I was done telling her about me, she told me some about the unit, walked me around and gave me a tour, and then...

"Well, just so you know, I can't make you an offer, but how about if we call HR and see if any of them are still there, since it's Friday after lunch? Would you have time to talk to one of them?"

!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!! DO I HAVE TIME? Um...YES! So we called HR and there were, indeed, some people there, so Michelle walked me down and then told me she'd meet me in her van when I was done. HR made me an incredible offer, went over benefits, told me about the sign-on and relocation packages (I thought I'd have to ask for relocation, but she said it before I could say anything) so I'm gonna guess that, since God has flung open the doors at every juncture...this is probably my next step, and with His blessing!

Things have been going in a whirlwind since then...my boss was really good about it, and there have been some people that have said some discouraging things, but you'll get that anywhere and really, I think it was more that they're sad to see me go and just concerned for me like a mama is for her kid. I've got movers and I've got a date...May 28th. There's still a lot that I don't know and I'm definitely taking a step of faith, but I'm interested to see what happens over the next year or so. I wonder what God has for me there.

a week in my life...

do you know what a beautiful thing it is to watch a mother as she meets her child for the first time? i do. Caleb was born at 28 weeks...12 weeks too early. a tiny, fragile, wrinkly thing...so little that for the first few days of his life, his mother could only look at him and lay her hand on his back, trying desperately to transmit what little strength she had to him. but on the third day...ah. Caleb's mom came down to see him in the morning, still very groggy from the drugs she had received to keep her alive and keep Caleb safe. Caleb was doing very well...we had just taken out his breathing tube and he was requiring only a little extra oxygen; no small feat for one weighing in at barely over two pounds. I told his mom that if he was still doing well and she was feeling better that afternoon, she could hold him. Her eyes shone. She stayed a few minutes longer, and then went back to her room.

She was back several hours later. It was near the end of the shift, I was getting ready for a new admission, and I had a patient due to eat in 30 minutes. But I had promised, and Caleb had done well, and mama had come down all by herself, looking like a new person. Another nurse took over preparing my admission bed, and I went to Caleb's room and shut the door so his mother could hold him kangaroo-style...bare skin to bare skin. I turned on an oxygen mask and put it in place near where Caleb would lay. I procured a few pillows and tucked them under his mama's arms so they wouldn't get tired and then helped her out of her t-shirt and covered her with a hospital gown. Mama ready, I turned to Caleb. I arranged all of his various lines and then gathered his little self in my hands. I directed mom to open her gown so I could place him on her chest, his head resting in the hollow of her neck. I repositioned her gown and made sure she was comfortable and that Caleb was secure. I asked her if she needed anything, and she whispered, voice breaking, "No, we're just fine." I turned to see her hand on his head, his vital signs better than they had been all day...and one single tear tracking down her check. She cried as she traced his tiny body with her hands, stroked the dark fuzz of downy hair on his head, felt the silky smoothness of his baby skin on hers. A match made in heaven...pure, unadultered love straight from the Father of Life. Beautiful.

have you ever heard the anguished cry of a mother as she searches for the strength and courage to let her miracle go Home? i have. Kate was born at 24 weeks. her parents already had two children, but were overjoyed with their "surprise." When she was nine days old, we took her to a special room in our unit for surgery. her x-rays showed some disturbing images that needed to be investigated. at one point, the doctor reached in to gently move Kate's liver out of the way, and it ruptured. after an hour and a half of everything medicine can offer to such a tiny life, Kate was stabilized enough to allow her grief-stricken parents at her bedside to hold her. i took the pictures...pictures of their hands joined over her little body...pictures of impossibly small feet and hands with her mommy and daddy's wedding rings around them...pictures of her bright, wide open eyes, looking far older and wiser than any baby's should...and then we left the family to themselves, allowing them time to love her. After an hour or so in the arms of her parents, the Father of Life came to take Kate Home to live forever.

have you ever seen the face of a woman whose womb is barren...whose arms have been empty for eight long, long years...who has lost two lives before they ever took a breath...have you ever seen the face of that woman when five pounds and fourteen ounces of beautiful baby girl are placed in her arms for the first time? have you seen the stars in her eyes when you call her "Mommy"? Grace's birth mother was in no way able to take care of her child, so she contacted a couple who had tried for eight years to have children and offered them practically the most selfless gift anyone can give. i watched them as they held her for hours on end, staring at her dark eyelashes...their eyes brimming with tears at the gift of Life...beautiful.

Jesus Loves Me

hello friends...long time no see. life is good...can't believe i'm done with school. i feel like i'm still in limbo...my body and my brain haven't figured out all this free time yet. the other day, i laid in bed from 1:30 AM until 6:30 PM. it was F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. to be able to do that just because. the unit's census has been low, so we've all had lots of off time (more than we've wanted, really...especially with the holidays here). yesterday, though, we finally picked up...got four admissions during one 12 hour shift (i'm posting this about a week and a half after i started typing it...).

i was supposed to be off on thursday (the 15th), so i didn't bother to see if my ringer was on or off on wednesday night when i went to bed.

the next morning i got up around 6:20 am to let the dogs out and feed them. happened to look at my phone and what do you know but i have two missed calls from work and one from my manager. called my manager back and hear that there's a set of twins about 45 miles from here...25 weeks. we're taking two teams. if you hurry, you can go.

i flew into my clothes, out the door, jumped in the car, and made it to the hospital in record time. got a dr pepper out of the machine on the way down the hall with the transporter. the helicopter team had already left, so we (me and the other two nurses i was with) were going in the ambulance. i tell you what...laugh all you want, but it still makes my day to be hauling it down the hall pushing the huge, bulky transporter, med box and bag with every supply i could possibly need in tow.

when we get to the ambulance (HOLY CRAP it's cold outside!), we jump into the captain seats in the back and kick it into high gear. we'll be going "code 3" all the way to the referring hospital...that means sirens screaming, lights flashing, hauling as much butt as we can in town and going 90 on the highway...because these twins are not born yet and they're holding the c-section off until our teams get there. our team leader (the RN leading our group) starts going over what we need. the isolette is already turned on and warming up in preparation for the tiny life it will soon carry. monitoring equipment (EKG leads, etc.) is already in there. we grab IV stuff and rip tape to hold it. we grab a bag of fluid and draw a syringe full of sugar water to keep the baby hydrated and its blood sugar stable until we get back to NICU. several warm packs are in the transporter...we'll break and activate them and place them under the baby when we get going, to keep him warm. breathing stuff...i set to work hooking up the ventilator tubing on the transporter while my partner tears still more tape to hold the breathing tube (less than the diameter of a drinking straw) in place on baby's face. we fill out as much paperwork as possible ahead of time. 35 minutes after leaving, we arrive at the ER. bags in tow, we weave our way through the hallways to the nursery, only to be pointed to the OR, one floor below. we roll into the OR suite and don masks, hats, and shoe covers. i take my station next to a nurse who has had a license for two months less than i have been ALIVE and start checking equipment. we've got suction, warm blankets, adhesive, tape, CO2 detector (to see if the breathing tube is in the lungs versus the stomach-it changes color if it's in the lungs), ET tube (breathing tube), laryngoscope blade (which will be used to hold the baby's mouth open and act as a guide so the breathing tube can be slid into the baby's lungs, and which i quickly flip open to make sure the bulb is good...it is, so i snap the blade down so the bulb doesn't get hot and burn the baby's tongue). a few more minutes, and we hear a nurse call, "0745! baby boy!"

the tiny bundle of life is gently laid under the radiant warmer, a team of four people waiting expressly for him. he is gently dried off and then repositioned. the laryngoscope blade slides into his mouth and down his throat. the breathing tube is inserted and someone verifies with the CO2 detector that the tube is indeed in the lungs. it is secured and then the little one is draped with sterile drapes and IVs are placed in a vein and an artery in his umbilical cord, allowing us to monitor blood pressure, draw blood, and give antibiotics and fluids.

in the meantime, the OR team is having some difficulty getting baby "B" out of mama. finally..."0749! baby boy!" he is bruised from being manipulated out of his mother's womb. after a few tries, he is intubated and lines are placed. the nurse practitioner on our team takes over "bagging" (breathing for) baby B, and i help get baby A ready for transport. then we encounter a problem. no matter how many ways we try, we can't get the ventilator on the transporter to work. that means that we will continue bagging baby A...all the way back to the hospital...approximately a forty minute drive. we load the impossibly tiny bundle into the transporter and head out. i start the paperwork on the way back, and it's a relatively uneventful drive (minus the screaming sirens and the fact that we are flying down the highway at 90 miles per hour). we get back, get unloaded, and are just pulling into the unit when the nurse who is breathing for the baby says that her bag is losing pressure. that means no more air...which means baby is not getting oxygen...we pump it up and run the rest of the way through the unit until we arrive at the room where the baby will be for the next several months. after quickly untangling IV lines and other supportive equipment, we reattach the baby to a special ventilator that will not only breathe in (push the oxygen in) for him, it will take the oxygen back out (breathe out). it does this at the incredible rate of 600 breaths per minute...very fast, very quick puffs of air that work to improve gas exchange in the lungs and have the added benefit of never allowing the air sacs in the lungs to completely close, which additionally enhances gas exchange.

i was there for another 45 minutes helping the nurse who admitted baby A to get him settled and finish my paperwork. it amazes me more and more each day at how much i'm learning...and how much i'm trutsed with. as we were settling baby A into his new environment, another call came in...this time from a town about two hours away. they had a baby that was now 3 weeks old and 29 weeks adjusted age. since i couldn't go on the transport (i'm not quite experienced enough to go just me and another nurse), my boss offered to let me admit the baby.

suffice it to say, this precious little one ended up not having the problem we suspected, which is good. he's going back to where he came from later this week (this is getting posted a little late...started it on the 16th...). i'm glad he'll be closer to his family, but they are such sweethearts and i'll miss them. the parents only speak spanish, so his 15-year-old sister translates for them. never have i seen such a sweet young lady...i've never heard her complain about having to spend her weekends with her mom and sick brother as opposed to hanging out with friends, and she loves this little boy as though he were her own. she gets just as excited about positive updates as her parents do and is such a breath of fresh air...

did i mention that i love my job? in case you hadn't picked up on that...well, i do. :) now, on a lighter note...

1. Put your iTunes/Mp3 Player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing this.(no pressure i just thought it was funny.)

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? These Are the Days (Sugarland)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Fly (Sara Groves)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Love is Neverending (Brad Paisley)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? No Eye Had Seen (Joy to the World PraiseBaby CD)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? She Said Yes

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? For My Love (Bethany Dillon)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? I Have Nights Like This (Clay Walker)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? 5 Minutes of Fame (BarlowGirl) hahaha!

WHAT IS 2+2? I Am the Way (Mark Schultz)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Journey to the Well (Jeff Berry)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Joey (Sugarland)...but i don't like this answer, because in that song Joey dies!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Beautiful One (By The Tree) love it...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Because You Loved Me

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Aimless (Bethany Dillon) oh...this is so apropos...so many of them have been aimless...probably why i don't like anyone in particular right now...

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Speed of Life (Sugarland)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Here I Am to Worship (Lincoln Brewster)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? So Long Self (Best Friends)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Be Thou My Vision (PraiseBaby God of Wonders) hmmm...i must think a LOT of my friends!

HOW WILL YOU DIE? Welcome to Our World (Michael W. Smith) hmm...little ironic...

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Out in the Parkin' Lot (Brad Paisley) oh dear...what did i do in the parking lot? i don't remember any parking lot... :)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Make His Praise Glorious (IABC)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? I'd Love To Be Your Last (Clay Walker)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Midnight Bottle (Colbie Caillat)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? Send Your Rain (Jeff Berry)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Jesus Doesn't Care (Point of Grace) oh man...even Jesus doesn't care for me? uh oh...

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? I Know Now (Bebo Norman) well yes Bebo...but what exactly IS IT that i know?

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Jesus Loves Me :)

grace so amazing, i can hardly understand...

grace, people, is a beautiful thing...and i'm not sure if God enjoys giving it more or we enjoy receiving it more. to you, the one who showed unspeakable grace to me (you know who you are)...thank you. you bless my heart. much love, my sister.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain: Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
Just in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!(Refrain)

Yes ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.(Refrain)

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.(Refrain)

more and more, bit by bit, piece by piece...i can see God healing my own heart. he is slowly drawing me out of myself and making my past my testimony...a way to minister to other women. i got that chance this week, and it was beautiful. a friend had part of this song on her facebook, and it so perfectly speaks to my heart. to my friend who is hurting so desperately right now and is so in need of a rescue...a miracle...a blessing...may He be enough. i am praying that the arms of the One you love embrace you..."To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." (jude 24-25).

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

~Heal the Wound, Point of Grace

I DID IT!!!

blood...sweat...tears...anger...joy...peace...laughter...

just a few of the adjectives that describe the year for me. like i said in my last post...i can't believe it's flown by. sitting in my seat this morning with my dad behind me, a great friend on either side of me, and three more good friends in the audience along with my mom, grandmother and brother...it was surreal.

i guess it will all hit that i'm finished with school for the time being here in a few months. i cannot imagine life without class, papers, exams, lectures...guess it's really time to start being an adult.

pinning was thursday night, and it was really pretty neat. small, intimate ceremony. my dad had told me he was going to be a little late because he had a meeting at 4:00 in Amarillo, but he would just slide into a seat in the back when he got there. no problem. i was sitting in the very front row on the opposite side of the room from the doors, so i never saw if he made it in by the time i got pinned and they read my little thing about my future plans and la-dee-dah. at the end of the ceremony, i got up and turned around to where mom, mutha (Lauren's mom) and my grandmother were. i was about to say something, and then i noticed that Pam's mouth was just hanging open. "what?" i said. "what's wrong with you?" she couldn't say anything, just pointed to a spot in front of her. i turned to look, and there was my dad...

WITH MY BROTHER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN GERMANY!!!!!!

dad and mark had been plotting this for like three months. he'd only just gotten the approval a few weeks ago. dad had a meeting all right...he had to pick bubba up at the airport! they missed the whole ceremony; they'd only just made it in time for the ending prayer because the ceremony only lasted like 45 minutes. BUT BUBBA CAME HOME!! he's here til the 28th, and they're doing Christmas early in louisiana and then coming to my house on the 24th, even though i gotta work :(. anyway. it was wicked exciting.

Friday we got up and got Krispy Kremes and kolaches from Donut Depot. Karyn came over for breakfast, and we all just sat around talking and hanging out. Did a little shopping later that day and then Stella's for dinner, which it was a miracle we got in since it was Friday night, we had no reservations, AND Tech and LCU's graduations were the next day. yum.

Saturday morning...we got up too early. i know, i know...i'm about to start day shift and i better get used to it, but bear with me...it's gonna take a while. Graduation was good, even though we had to prance up and down the stairs to practice too many times. Seriously...we've made it through to a bachelor's degree; i think we can walk around in a circle and make it to the right seat. whatev. thanks trisha and cake for coming...you guys REALLY didn't have to do that, but thanks...nice to know you love me. :)

lunch at roadhouse (cheese fries...yum!) and then the fam decided they were going to go back to amarillo early so mark could have more time with his friends...he'll be here christmas eve, and he's back in the states in feb, so that was ok with me. besides, i was exhausted and in desperate need of a nap.

so overall...good weekend. it was wicked cool to hear my name called and walk across that stage, but it just doesn't seem real yet, like Christmas break will be over and i'll be back in class. i don't think it will be a hard adjustment, though... :)

blessings,
amy :)

f'ed up cheetos

PRAISE the LORD...graduation is NIGH!!! pinning is thursday, graduation on saturday morning. who is stoked? *waves hand wildly in the air* not gonna lie...it's been a ridiculous, insanity year. i can't believe how much has happened. i can't believe that i registered for classes a whole YEAR ago...time has flown. it's been hard, but God has blessed me with so many new friendships and i have learned so much.

the year started with genetics (where a friend was waiting, but i didn't know it yet) and leadership. Leadership was an experience in itself. My small group had some of the most amazing discussions I have ever been privy to. That's one reason I loved LCU so much...there is such a wide range of nursing experience. I regularly sat next to people who have been nurses for as long as I have been ALIVE. It was great to throw an issue out and hear from people from all walks of the nursing life, with every different clinical competency you can think of, who have walked through fire and hell and joy and laughter and tears and yet still emerge with a love of nursing that is quite possibly greater than it was when they started.

I met a crazy nut named Christy in that small group who is not afraid to speak her opinion and is one of the strongest women I know. She is a nurse manager in an adult ICU, and if i liked adult patients, i would work for her in a heartbeat. She is one of my nursing heroes, simply because for her, after 17 years, the most important person is still her patient. Despite all the BS and politics that have wormed their way into nursing, she holds strong to the belief that taking care of patients is more important than budgeting or meetings or justifying any one of the hundred things a day that she does. And she takes care of her staff, plain and simple.

also during the spring, i lost my grandaddy. he was diagnosed with West Nile Virus at the beginning of February, and, on March 12, 2008, God came down, picked him up, and carried him Home. i will forever be thankful that, even though bubba didn't get to come home from the army like we thought he would, i went to Louisiana for Christmas 2007. i almost volunteered to work, and I am so grateful that God kept me from that. Christmas was the last time i saw my grandaddy alive. my last memories are of him alive and well and smiling at the matching fleece LSU blankets i made for him and my grandmother. the day we buried him was perfect...the sun was shining and the barest hint of breeze was blowing. it would have been a day he would have spent outside, either in his shop working with his hands or on his beloved motorcycle, going to see one of any number of good friends. i will be forever blessed by his influence in my life.

On to the summer. Bubba came home after 14 months of absence, and it was a blast. Lots of bonding...especially at two in the morning in Eastland, Texas after mom's car broke down on the way to my grandmother's in Louisiana. That's one of the ones we'll be talking about when we're in our sixties, I'm sure.

LCU: physical assessment, professional role development, trends and issues, history/theories/therapies in nursing, complementary and alternative therapies, and a one-week rural health trip in new mexico. Christy was pretty much right there next to me in all of those classes. we did our assessments on each other and we were roommates for a week in new mexico (which would be a whole 'nother *inflammatory* entry that probably should not be posted on the internet). i wouldn't call that trip a positive experience (tolerable is pushing it), but several of us bonded together under the opposition. :)

then there was fall. romans, community health, and scientific inquiry. community health was an experience but, again, not one that i will remember fondly and i should probably not post the dirty, intimate details online. you can call me for those. :) but, as always happens, the underlings bound together under the opposition...

Trisha, i had a blast getting to know you. i'm sorry you got blasted on the phone, but hey...it makes for a great story, and in the end, we were right anyway. and i promise never to use acronyms when i'm around you...at least, NVOIICHI. (not very often if i can help it) ;). thanks for listening so many times. thanks for your prayers (because i know they were there). thanks, too, for introducing me to Cane's...can't get much better than their sauce AND pellet ice. :) i don't think you know what a blessing you are.

romans...again, fun with Christy and Marilyn. but more than anything...wow. i started this class with an attitude, annoyed at what i percieved as the instructor flaunting his "past" and using it for shock value by telling it as his testimony (which it is). i closed my head to hearing a lot of what he had to say, which i now regret. throughout the semester, he was really great to me and the other two (we were the only nurses in the class in addition to being the only nontraditional students). at the end of this semester, we figured out that the final was going to conflict with our work schedules...which anyone knows are almost impossible to change. we stayed after class, and he said, "don't worry...do you trust me?" and so we're like, ok. we ended up working out a deal with him to come in right after the last class day and take the exam. our rationale was that we don't even know any of the other people in the class, so no way are we gonna go hunting them down to tell them about the test. after some hemming and hawing, he agreed.

the day before the final, i had been discussing the previous exams with Marilyn, speculating on what questions would be on the test, whether they would be verbatim, etc. as we talked, she was baking Christmas goodies. she told me about one she'd been making forever...caramel cheetos. WHAT?? i know, i know, she said...it's the wrongest thing ever to do to a cheeto, and it sounds disgusting...but i promise, they're amazing. and i'm like, whatever. a little more talking, and we decided that it would be really nice to thank this instructor for all he'd done for us this semester by bringing him some home-baked goodies and a thank-you card. Marilyn didn't mind, because she said she'd be baking all day anyway. i told her i'd get the card and shortly after, we hung up.

wednesday after class, the three of us trooped down to his office. let me set the stage: the man is the missions director, so his office is actually a classroom with one corner walled off by bookshelves and a curtain for his desk and computer. marilyn pulled out the instructor's bag of goodies, and then surprised christy and me by giving us some, too. as she handed me the bag, i grinned and said, in traditional loud amy-fashion, "sweet! are these those f&%#@*-up cheetos?" about that time, Christy slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing, and Marilyn cracked up. i turned around (i'd had my back to the door), and there stood the instructor...my BIBLE instructor...with the biggest grin on my face i'd ever seen. my face turned bright, flaming red. FLAMING red. he put his arm around me and said, "That's all right, i hear that a lot in my church (he pastors at a downtown church that many of Lubbock's homeless community attend). This is a first, though, i've never heard it in my classroom before!" marilyn and christy were still gasping for air as we took our seats. ah, my big mouth...but how gracious of him to respond the way he did. that was nothing compared to what i was about to experience, though.

we each sat down at one of the six or seven tables grouped together on one side of the room. he passed out the exams (facedown, which i found odd). then he walked back to his office. we flipped over our exams, wrote our names, and looked down at the first question. i don't remember what it was, but i know it was easy. i scanned the four choices and found my answer...in bold. what? i looked at the next question. another fairly simple one. i scanned the answers again...and the same thing happened. the correct answer was in bold. no way, i thought. i scanned the rest of the first page. oh yeah. i looked up at Marilyn and Christy, who were also looking at each other. we shrugged, and Christy called out the instructor's name. "No talking," he responded, and then he fell silent. We looked back down at our exams and he turned on a CD...

"amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see.

'twas Grace that taught my heart to fear.
and Grace, my fears relieved.
how precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

through many dangers, toils and snares
i have already come;
'tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

the Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
i shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

when we've been here ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
we've no less days to sing God's praise
than when we've first begun.

amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see..."

amazing grace, indeed. the entire exam was done for us. every single answer was filled in, including the short-answer question. at the end of the exam, there was a letter typed out to each student who would be taking the exam. "this test has already been taken for you. God took it a long time ago. you will each receive an A on the exam." he went on to talk about grace (which he has discussed over and over the entire semester). grace is something given by the giver and never expected by the one who receives it. it is not earned or given only to the ones who paid attention or got certain grades. it is a FREE gift. as i read the letter, i was struck. this was grace. we would never have suspected this in our wildest dreams. we did nothing for it. we sure didn't do anything to deserve it. my eyes were the only dry ones in the room (because, as we all know, i am a freak with usually-defective tear ducts). at the end of the letter, he asked for suggestions to improve further classes.

again, i don't remember exactly what i wrote, but it was something along the lines of "despite the many times this semester you've pissed me off or made me laugh, you have made me think. you have made it impossible for me to stay in my little box of ideas and beliefs simply because that was how i was raised or that's what someone told me to think. you have forced me to see the way the other guy thinks and to take it into consideration. i have learned lessons in your class that will last far past getting my diploma...past my career...most probably, they will last until i am taken Home and into the courts of the King. and don't worry, i'll be still and let Christ speak for me. thank you."

the parallels between what he did and what Christ did continued even after i left the exam. all three of us were blown away. we humbly turned in our exams, thanked the instructor (who i think enjoyed the experience more than we did), and left. once out of the room, we revelled in what had just happened to us. we were shocked. floored. couldn't believe it. when we got done with our yakking, i got on the phone and started calling people. i called a friend who took the class last year. without even saying hi (she knew i'd just taken this final), i said, "does he always do that?" i could hear her grinning through the phone. "did you get grace?" um, yeah, Kim...we got grace. then i called up another friend, and another one after that, to tell them what happened. it was just so...amazing. and at the same time, my heart was breaking a little. would that my passion for Christ and my wonder at HIS amazing Grace move me to such action. i get what you were saying, beck...you got your point across.

yes...it has been a long, hard, sometimes sleepless-nights (and not because of work) year. i don't know as i want to repeat it any time soon. i am ready for a normal schedule. i'm ready to get back into the church and make some new friends. i'm ready for the next chapter in my life. but despite all the frustration, tears, and even the joys...i am so grateful i've had this year. i am so grateful for the lessons i've learned and the relationships that have been created. even...even the bad ones, although i am human and still angry and holding onto some of the hurts. romans 8 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. and despite my failings, i love Him...f'ed up cheetos and all.

blessings,
amy