a week in my life...

do you know what a beautiful thing it is to watch a mother as she meets her child for the first time? i do. Caleb was born at 28 weeks...12 weeks too early. a tiny, fragile, wrinkly thing...so little that for the first few days of his life, his mother could only look at him and lay her hand on his back, trying desperately to transmit what little strength she had to him. but on the third day...ah. Caleb's mom came down to see him in the morning, still very groggy from the drugs she had received to keep her alive and keep Caleb safe. Caleb was doing very well...we had just taken out his breathing tube and he was requiring only a little extra oxygen; no small feat for one weighing in at barely over two pounds. I told his mom that if he was still doing well and she was feeling better that afternoon, she could hold him. Her eyes shone. She stayed a few minutes longer, and then went back to her room.

She was back several hours later. It was near the end of the shift, I was getting ready for a new admission, and I had a patient due to eat in 30 minutes. But I had promised, and Caleb had done well, and mama had come down all by herself, looking like a new person. Another nurse took over preparing my admission bed, and I went to Caleb's room and shut the door so his mother could hold him kangaroo-style...bare skin to bare skin. I turned on an oxygen mask and put it in place near where Caleb would lay. I procured a few pillows and tucked them under his mama's arms so they wouldn't get tired and then helped her out of her t-shirt and covered her with a hospital gown. Mama ready, I turned to Caleb. I arranged all of his various lines and then gathered his little self in my hands. I directed mom to open her gown so I could place him on her chest, his head resting in the hollow of her neck. I repositioned her gown and made sure she was comfortable and that Caleb was secure. I asked her if she needed anything, and she whispered, voice breaking, "No, we're just fine." I turned to see her hand on his head, his vital signs better than they had been all day...and one single tear tracking down her check. She cried as she traced his tiny body with her hands, stroked the dark fuzz of downy hair on his head, felt the silky smoothness of his baby skin on hers. A match made in heaven...pure, unadultered love straight from the Father of Life. Beautiful.

have you ever heard the anguished cry of a mother as she searches for the strength and courage to let her miracle go Home? i have. Kate was born at 24 weeks. her parents already had two children, but were overjoyed with their "surprise." When she was nine days old, we took her to a special room in our unit for surgery. her x-rays showed some disturbing images that needed to be investigated. at one point, the doctor reached in to gently move Kate's liver out of the way, and it ruptured. after an hour and a half of everything medicine can offer to such a tiny life, Kate was stabilized enough to allow her grief-stricken parents at her bedside to hold her. i took the pictures...pictures of their hands joined over her little body...pictures of impossibly small feet and hands with her mommy and daddy's wedding rings around them...pictures of her bright, wide open eyes, looking far older and wiser than any baby's should...and then we left the family to themselves, allowing them time to love her. After an hour or so in the arms of her parents, the Father of Life came to take Kate Home to live forever.

have you ever seen the face of a woman whose womb is barren...whose arms have been empty for eight long, long years...who has lost two lives before they ever took a breath...have you ever seen the face of that woman when five pounds and fourteen ounces of beautiful baby girl are placed in her arms for the first time? have you seen the stars in her eyes when you call her "Mommy"? Grace's birth mother was in no way able to take care of her child, so she contacted a couple who had tried for eight years to have children and offered them practically the most selfless gift anyone can give. i watched them as they held her for hours on end, staring at her dark eyelashes...their eyes brimming with tears at the gift of Life...beautiful.