princess

Today should have been just another day for her. It's not her birthday, but she'd be wearing a tiara for sure (which would probably be permanently attached to her head by now). Pink, ruffles, lace, rhinestones...and that would just be her pajamas.

Would she still have her tracheostomy? I don't know. I know for a fact, though, that if she did, the ties would not be the standard blue, because her momma would have bought up every pair of pink/purple/princess/girly ties she could find on Etsy.

Would the consult she was scheduled to have in Boston have been successful? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, her momma would never have given up on her. She left late into the night every night, and would call at the same time an hour or so later to check on her blood gas. She gave up everything for her girl, but she would never have called it a sacrifice.

Would she be walking and playing? It might have been with assisting devices, but she would have fought through it with her quiet, determined peace (and the occasional tantrum when she was just absolutely over it). Would she still make us work for her smiles? Undoubtedly. And they would still be every bit as rewarding as they were then.

She stared into the depths of our souls and spoke more with her eyes than any words could say. She decided when to grace us with her presence, and she decided when it was time to go Home...three years ago today.

She reminded her nurses, doctors, and therapists from every discipline why we chose to enter the professions we did. She taught us to be grateful for every day and every victory. Her momma taught us what unconditional love on earth looks like and what utter dedication means. Her continued strength is inspiring.

Sweet girl, we remember. We promise never to forget what you taught us.

the carpenter

i have been incredibly blessed to have a father and a grandfather who are/were men of virtuous character and unflinching integrity. my grandaddy (dad's dad) went Home to Jesus in March of 2008. since a few months after his death, a couple of lines of poetry have been swirling around in my head. in october, i started trying to figure out what to give my grandmother (the woman who has EVERYTHING), and those few lines sprang to the forefront of my mind. i sat down and scribbled out several verses, trying to sum up the life of an incredible man with a few words. this was the result.

The Carpenter

working the harvest with dad in the heat;
A young man called James, eager to please.
dad speaks as they work of another man's son,
raised as a craftsman 'round nails and wood.
Born to serve others; Jesus loved the condemned,
built a legacy of love, then died for our sins.

The Carpenter's story resonates deep,
and the quiet young man
gives his life to the King.
Caring for widows and others in need;
seeking the orphans and least of these...
heart of a man, reflecting his King.

Holding the hands of the girl he loves;
He pledges his life, to cherish and hold.
With vows and rings, two hearts become one...
She looks in his eyes,
he leans in and smiles,
"'til death do us part..." and he kisses his bride.

gallant young husband, his Faye by his side
enlists and moves north,
Serves his country with pride.
Two years, a new baby, then home to the south.
Shop class and textbooks, purple and gold,
LSU Forestry; geaux Tigers geaux!

Building and woodwork; two of his joys...
but nothing compares to three little boys.
Carpenter's hands cradle newborn sons
Staring in wonder; joy overcomes.
Three little lives, his to teach
To guide to the cross of the carpenter King.

Life moves on for the carpenter and Faye
Boys growing up and moving away.
Holding hands in the sunset,
two rocking chairs sway...
love keeps increasing;
new mercies each day.

Carpenter's hands hold grandbabies close;
watching a legacy of love unfold.
Fireworks and rock piles,
Four-wheeling through trees...
he looks his family; the joy they bring,
and silently praises his Carpenter King.

Carpenter's hands; reaching for Home,
Sweet beulah land he's dreamed of so long...
Standing in awe of the One on His throne
The King gently beckons,
"Well done, my son...
Welcome home."

Mississippi farm boy;
No claim to fame...
But a stone in the ground
Etched with dates and a name
Can never explain the legacy left
By a man named James.

calling all prayer warriors...

raise your hand if you remember sweet baby Harper...all of you? good. if not, check back through my posts for last spring. she did well after heart surgery, and FINALLY started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago...much to her mama's relief! her cardiology follow up appointments were going well until a few months ago, when Dr. Robinson noticed some extra tissue growth around one of the valves in her heart within a small hole that was left after her first surgery. He has continued to observe it closely, and it was determined several weeks ago that Harper will need another open heart surgery in order to remove it.

Here is an excerpt from mama Amy's blog:

"This wasn't supposed to happen. Harper's heart was supposed to grow, and as it did, the residual hole would become more and more insignificant. That would have happened except for some muscle tissue that has grown in the area underneath her aortic valve, limiting the growth of that artery and causing it to start being blocked off. The pressure has been building and there is already a small amount of leakage from the aortic valve, indicating damage. If the tissue is not removed, the situation would become fatal. There is no less invasive procedure to do this, so another open heart surgery is required.

It is impossible to tell from the echo-cardiogram the exact location of this tissue. Ordinarily, this would be a very straight-forward surgery to go in, cut out the tissue, and get out. Unfortunately, our doctors are concerned that the tissue has grown over part of the patch that was used to close the holes in Harper's heart. If that's the case, the straight-forward surgery has now become seriously complicated, basically requiring them to redo what they did the first time in addition to cutting out the tissue. The surgeon won't know exactly what he needs to do until he opens her up. This possibility of the more complicated surgery is really what terrifies me the most and I'm asking, or rather begging, for your prayers on this. Please just pray that Harper will only need that tissue to be cut out and nothing else next Tuesday. I beg and I plead daily for this, but I need the prayers of others as well. I am desperately pleading that you specifically ask God to bless us in this way. I'm also praying that God's hand is all over the doctors and Harper on Tuesday, that He wraps us all in His loving and comforting arms, that He gives me peace and understanding, that He keeps Eli and Landon safe and happy while they are away from us, that we have competent and compassionate nurses, that Harper comes out of this surgery as her spunky and precious little self with no long-term effects or complications, that this PLEASE be the last time we have to go through this, and that God's will be done and He receive the glory no matter the outcome. I can't even begin to pretend that I understand this. I can't wrap my mind around the "why" of Harper's damaged heart. Satan works at my heart and my mind and he wants my worry, doubt, and fears to overtake me. I have struggled with this so much more this time around and it takes a real emotional, physical, and mental effort to just focus on the goodness of God...on His promises and His faithfulness, where I can always find peace and comfort."

There's really no better way to explain it than that. Please, please hit your knees for this precious family and their beautiful baby girl. To leave some love for Amy and her family, head over to her blog and leave a comment on her post: adgrigsby.blogspot.com. I'm sure she'd love the encouragement. Updates to come...

runnin' fools

Who likes to run? You? Oh good...that makes one of us. Who knows you should stretch before you run? You do? Awesome; that makes two of us. Guess who had a stupid moment this morning? Gosh, you're smart. *I* did. My calves will not be my friends when I wake up later today.

I hate running. Do not like it at all. Do not like huffing and puffing like a 4 pack a day smoker, do not like my hair frizzing itself into oblivion. I do not like it, Sam I am. I'd rather have green eggs and ham. I'm really not going to like it as I start to run more than 60 seconds at a time.

I've heard of these nutters who enjoy running. They talk about "runner's high"...evidently it hits around mile 18? I'm sorry...I would not be high at that point. I'd be dead! These fools buy Nike, Adidas, and New Balance like other folks buy Versace, Prada, and (insert your fave brand here). They run more miles per day than I DRIVE. They run in rain, snow, fog, blistering heat, hurricanes...they never miss a day, no matter what. Their feet and legs look awful if you get up close. But have you seen the rest of their bodies? These people may seem nuts to the rest of us, but they look GOOD, y'all. And to hear them talk, they FEEL good. After a while, they crave their time on whatever surface they choose to discipline themselves with.

I admire them. I want to be like them one day.

I know another type of nut too. These people LOVE their Jesus. They run to Him with every hurt, every joy, every everything. He and His word are their passion. They do everything they can to like him. Have you seen their fb statuses? They're spending their own money to go to other countries and love on their fellow human brothers and sisters. They're even adopting abandoned children...doing for the least of these what Jesus did for all of us.

They are in the Word every day. Doesn't matter if they're busy or tired or overbooked. They MAKE time to spend with the Father because spiritual well-being is integral to a healthy, balanced life. And slowly, over time, they begin to see a change: not in their bodies, necessarily, but in their HEARTS. Their vision changes. They become fools for Christ; seeking only Him and His desires. They are euphoric as they discipline their hearts to follow Him. They have hurts and bruises too, but have you seen their hearts? They look GOOD, y'all. And to hear them tell it, they FEEL good, too. They crave their time with the Father.

I so admire them. I want to follow Christ like they do.

I switched from regular to diet soda at the beginning of the year. I went off diet 5 days ago. I can tell already that I'm not as tired. I've been trying to walk/run(ish) a couple times a week at least. I want to be healthier just for me.

I'm reading through the bible this year, a little every day. I want to look deeper into spiritual disciplines. I want to be ravished by the Lover of my soul.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." 1 Corinthians 9:24, 25

Thanks for the comparison, Paul.

hope.

so I was driving home this morning, and this song popped up on my iPod. you know how when you've listened to a song a thousand times and know it so well that you space out and start thinking other things, but can still pick up and sing along with the lyrics at any point? that was me this morning. I had to restart the song TWICE to refocus an listen all the way through. and the God Who speaks through anything (and usually weird things) began to whisper to my heart...

Our Hope Endures

Natalie Grant

"You would think

only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume

this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

He never promised me it would be easy. but He DID promise to never, ever leave me and to never give me more than I could bear, especially with His help. His strength is perfect in the absence of mine. "But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction." (Job 36:15)

Oh, but sometimes the sun

stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky

rains night after night
When will it clear?

Psalm 30:5 promises that weeping and sadness may stay for the night, but JOY comes in the morning! Even in the worst times, we find joy and peace that pass all understanding.

But our Hope endures

the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged..."

what beautiful words, and what comfort they bring! hope is so much more that just being happy all the time. I can attest to this as an incurable, unfailingly optimistic optimist. there are days when i may not smile the whole way through, but there is a Gentleness in my spirit, reminding me of Whose I am and the promises He holds for my heart and my life.

trust

I have wanted to write so many times, but had no idea where to begin. God is elbow deep in my heart and my life, teaching me slowly to trust Him. I am so thankful for One who does not throw up His hands in frustration when I don't get it right the first (or 342nd) time. His mercies are new every morning; every moment...GREAT is His faithfulness in this girl's whirling dervish of a life.

I have always been bad about tithing...knew I should, but I had a hard time consistently making it my top priority. At the beginning of 2011, I made an unofficial resolution/covenant to give my tithe with every paycheck that year. God says in Malachi to test Him and see if he doesn't throw open the floodgates of blessings. my human mind wanted to see if He'd prove it. This "experiment" would also be a way to walk in deliberate, palpable obedience to my Father.

guess what?

It worked. (I know, shocker).

No, I didn't win the lottery. $100 bills did not rain from the sky. But I had enough. Be it a car crisis that my emergency fund covered or a random bonus check that came at just the right time...He was faithful. every time.

It's the middle of January 2012 now, and life has thrown me a pretty tough curve ball in the last few months. I've tripped, gotten dirt in my scrapes, and I'm still working on giving my anger to Him. But God, in His infinite wisdom, has spent the last 13 months teaching me what trust is. I hear about it everywhere. I read about it. Today's sermon was about it. And slowly, ever so painfully slowly, I am learning to share my control freakiness with the One who created it all.

skittles

I love skittles...they're sort of an ADD candy. they come from the same bag, but have different flavors, colors, and sometimes are even shaped a little different. my mind feels like a bag of skittles lots of times...all of my thoughts are coming from the same place, but a plethora of different subjects and situations. such is my mind today, so here is the bag of skittles that is my head...

I am just over halfway through Dave Ramsey's FPU class. love it. have learned so much. I am the epitome of free spirit, but I have found such peace with a budget and cash envelopes. if you haven't taken the class, I'm telling you...RUN like Flo Jo to the nearest place you can find that offers it. the class is free; you only pay for materials. it will change your life.

recently started rereading Harry Potter...they never get old. JKR is a literary genius!

last I checked, Miss Harper is doing well! she came home after heart surgery still requiring her feeding tube, but has since graduated to being able to drink all of her bottles ALL by herself. yaaaaaaaaay!! she is now settling into normal life with mama and daddy and big brothers Eli and Landon. pray for continued protection from illness and that she will continue to grow big!

I went on a delivery recently for a 23 week baby. we tried our best, but the little guy was too tiny to make it. I let the labor nurse know on my way out that I'd be more than happy to come back and do handprints and footprints. she called me 30-45 minutes later. as I had the father lift his tiny son so I could ink his little hands, I marveled again at the privilege I have to be a part of the lives of the families I interact with. I never have to wonder if I'm going to be the hands and feet of Christ...opportunities abound! most people have never seen a baby as small as this one, and it's incredible how complete they are. they have fully formed arms, legs, fingers, toes...many times, you can even tell who they take after. my little guy looked just like his dad, and I don't know whose nose he had, but it was definitely distinctive. what an honor to show compassion even as I dressed him in a little gown covered with rocket ships and tucked him into the basket he was lying in on his mom's bed. I know it sounds cheesy, but I love that I love my job!

Miguel

the dude pictured above is my dad, for those who have not had the pleasure of meeting him.

he's a nut. he has never met a stranger. he will talk to you until YOU are blue in the face. he is one of the friendliest people I know, but God HELP you if you get crossways with his family. he will give you the shirt off his back and the last ten bucks in his wallet.

I am just like him, and I couldn't be prouder. and if I marry half the man he is, I will be blessed beyond measure.

keep praying, keep praising!

Harper: Day 2 (6/14)

sweet girl was pretty heavily sedated after surgery and all night. however, they started weaning and allowing her to wake up this morning. guess what? when she woke up enough, her breathing tube was removed! that's awesome! she is still on a nasal cannula to blow a little air in and help keep things stimulated/inflated, but that's a GREAT BIG step!

Harper is also currently in heart block...that means her heart hasn't quite woken up from the shock of surgery (normal and expected), so she has the help of a temporary pacemaker right now. the doctors will give her heart up to a week to get its act together before they decide to place a permanent pacemaker that she will have for the rest of her life. while mommy and daddy don't necessarily WANT that, if that's the only thing they have to deal with, they'll take it!

Harper has also had some of her IVs removed, medications discontinued, and the girl is EATING, people! EATING, a day after heart surgery! and according to her daddy, she is breathing AND eating much better than before her surgery...this is fantastic news! right now, she's eating an ounce every three hours, and they will continue to advance that slowly until she is on "full feeds"...meaning she gets all of her nutrition from mama's milk and the IV fluids can be turned off completely.

Harper: Day 3 (6/15)

i didn't hear much today, except that Miss Harper's heart has kicked it into high gear and is working on its own! hallelujah, no pacemaker for this girl!

please continue praying for a good, speedy recovery. Harper will have another echocardiogram (heart sonogram) over the next few days to make sure the patches that were placed are not leaking at all (or maybe leaking just a tiny bit). so pray that Dr. Harrell's stitches are holding better than your grandma's quilt stitches ever thought about holding together!

here i raise my ebenezer...

i love this verse from the old hymn...it comes from a verse in 1 Samuel. The Israelites were being attacked by the Philistines, and God threw the Philistines into a tizzy, and they all ran in every direction BUT toward the Israelites. The Israelites chased after them and slaughtered them. In response to the victory, Samuel set up a sort of altar to praise God and mark the occasion...he called the stone "Ebenezer", which means "thus far has the Lord helped us."

in similar fashion, we are raising our Ebenezer stone in victory today...she made it! praise God, Miss Harper made it through surgery! see mama Amy's blog here. i got text updates throughout the day. Harper was taken back to the OR around 7:30 yesterday morning, and her day proceeded as follows:

1036: Harper went on the heart/lung machine about 10. Her heart will be stopped for about an hour. Surgery is going well so far.

1215: The repair was a little more complicated than they expected. There was another hole that had to be patched as well, but both have been patched and now they'll warm her up and restart her heart. (my aside...the heart ORs are kept very cold...i'm talking like 40 or 50 degrees fahrenheit. Aids with decrease in infection and body metabolism rates.)

I asked when I woke up this afternoon if sweet girl was settled in the PICU yet:

1441: I think so. Dr. Harrell said it was one of the most difficult repairs he's ever done. Her heart was much more deformed that they could see on the echo. So it took a lot longer than expected.

I also asked if she was still considered "fixed", and i got a big smile: Yes! All fixed :)

1755: She's doing well...considering. (i tried to upload a picture here, but blogger shut me down both times...)

1816: Sorry for such a long delay. Harper is in ICU and doing well. She may go off the ventilator as early as tonight. We are so relieved and thankful that she has done so well!

I asked how mommy and daddy are doing, and Amy said they are well...mostly just relieved, thankful, and at peace.

Please keep praying for Miss Harper. The second and third days after surgery are usually harder, as your body starts to wake up more and the AK-47 caliber of pain meds from surgery start to wear off. Harper will be kept on continuous pain and sedation drips for now to help, and she will also have medicine ordered for breakthrough pain. Continue to pray for healing to her body and that she stays free of infection. Continue to pray for guidance for the doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists caring for her. Pray for true rest for Amy and Dustin, and that they would continually be renewed and strengthened by the Father.

will post more later...continue to pray that His name is glorified in every way possible!

hit yo' knees for baby Harper!

ok friends...i am a lame, awful poster. however...that is a topic for a different post. i have something much more important to discuss.

this sweet girl right here...
is having her surgery TODAY! as i type, her mommy and daddy are driving toward Lubbock. they have to arrive by 6:00 AM, and surgery will begin sometime between 7:00 and 7:30.

here's what's going to happen: most of us have two ventricles in the lower half of our heart; one to pump deoxygenated blood to the lungs, and one to pump oxygenated blood that has returned from the lungs out to the body. these two are divided by a piece of muscle called a septum...same concept as that thing that divides your two nostrils. in Harper's case, she has a large VSD...ventricular septal defect. basically means that where that septum should be...there's a big ol' hole. so Miss Harper's deoxygenated blood is mixing with oxygenated blood. this is a problem, because the blood being pumped to her body is only semi-oxygenated. that makes it hard to breathe, hard to have energy, hard to eat...basically, everything is harder for little miss. so what the doctors are going to do is take a piece of gore-tex patch and sew in in where that septum should be. as long as all goes well...and we have faith that it will!...this will be the only surgery Harper will ever have to have and she will live a normal life from now on.

what does this mean for her? if you will look again at the picture above, you will notice an orange and white tube dangling from Miss Harper's left nostril. that is a feeding tube. remember how it's hard for her to have the energy to eat? since Harper came home from the hospital at 3-4 weeks of age (and even in the hospital), that tube has been her worst best friend. Harper gets to practice bottle-feeding a couple times a day just so she remembers how, but the vast majority of her nutrition is delivered via a feeding pump through that tube and directly into her stomach. that way, she gets all of her calories and can concentrate just on gaining weight, not having to work for it. this way, she's been able to get bigger more quickly in order to optimize her chances for surgery. since she came home from the hospital, this has been Harper's world:


the bag on the pole holds her milk, which then runs through her tubing. she gets fed every three hours, around the clock. you will also notice a white cord hanging off the front of her swing...that hooks to a monitor that measures the level of oxygen in Harper's blood. if it gets below a certain level, the monitor alarms loud enough to wake the dead for 20 miles...her mama will attest to this! as time has worn on, her monitors have gone off more often, and her color has not been quite as pink. she's also been working noticeably harder to breathe. between these things and her weekly appointments with the cardiologist, we have arrived at today.

Amy and Dustin have incredible faith...i watched it play out two and a half years ago with their twin boys. please pray for them...pray God will encourage and strengthen them today, and that they will have the Peace that passes all understanding. pray that the Perfect Love they cling to will cast out all of their fears.

and the team...pray for Dr. Harrell...he's the surgeon who will be operating on Miss Harper. pray for steady hands and wisdom. pray for the anesthesiologist who will be closely monitoring Harper's pain, sedation, and oxygenation levels during surgery. pray for the perfusionist who will be running the heart/lung machine that will do all of Harper's blood pumping and oxygenation during the most critical part of surgery...in order for the heart to be still enough to make the microscopic stitches needed, her heart will actually be stopped for a while. pray for the circulating nurses and scrub techs, that they will be able to anticipate every need.

after surgery, Miss Harper will be wheeled back to the pediatric intensive care unit. i know those nurses, and i know they are some of the best. they will be Harper's advocates throughout their stay. pray that their eyes are open and anticipating anything that may be cropping up with Miss Harper after surgery. and most of all...pray for Miss Harper. pray that her little 13 week old self knows the love and comfort of the Father through all of this. pray that her pain is well controlled and that healing comes quickly. pray that she doesn't develop an oral aversion from all of the tubes in her mouth (this will make it more difficult to relearn bottle feeding). pray that no post-op infections crop up and increase her hospital time.

it's gonna be a big day...pray that the Father is known above all.

more updates later.

good, awesome, enlightening stuff.

disclaimer: this is NOT mine. I am not this theologically brilliant. I transcribed the following word for word from a YouTube video. mad props to the true author, Tim Keller (Redeemer.com).

I hope this encourages you as much as it did me.

What is the Bible basically about?
Message by Tim Keller, www.redeemer.com

What is the Bible basically about?

"And beginning with Moses and all the prophets, he interpreted to them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself." -Luke 24:27

What is the Bible really about? Is the Bible basically about me and what I must do, or is it basically about Jesus and what He has done?

When you read in Luke and Acts about how Jesus in those 40 days got His disciples together, 40 days before He ascended after He was raised, what was He doing? Basically he was saying, "Everything in the old testament is about Me." He says, "The reason you didn't understand what I was about was that you didn't realize that everything in the prophets and the psalms and the law was pointing to Me."

Do you believe the Bible is basically about you, or basically about Him? Is David and Goliath basically about you and how you can be like David and Goliath, or basically about Him, the One who really took on the great and the only giants that can really kill us? And so His victories are imputed to us.

Who is David and Goliath really about? That's the fundamental question.

And when that happens, you start to read the Bible anew, you know?

Jesus is the true and better Adam, who passed the test in the garden...His garden, a much tougher garden. And whose obedience is imputed to us.

Jesus is the true and better Abel, who though innocently slain has blood that cries out; not for our condemnation but for our acquittal.

Jesus is the true and better Abraham, who answered the call of God to leave all of the comfortable and familiar and go into the void, not knowing whither he went.

Jesus is the true and better Isaac, who was not just offered up by his father on the mount but was truly sacrificed for us all. While God said to Abraham, "Now I know you love me, because you did not withhold your son, your only son whom you love from me," now we at the foot of the cross can say to God, "Now we know that you love me, because you did not withhold YOUR son, your only son, whom you love for me."

Jesus is the true and better Jacob, who wrestled and took the blow of justice we deserved so we, like Jacob, only received the wounds of grace that wake us up and discipline us.

Jesus is the true and better Joseph, who is at the right hand of the King, and forgives those who betrayed and sold him and uses his power to save us.

Jesus is the true and better Moses, who stands in the gap between the people and the Lord and who mediates the new covenant.

Jesus is the true and better Rock of Moses, whose strike with the rod of God's justice now gives us water in the desert.

Jesus is the true and better Job; He's the truly innocent sufferer who then intercedes for and saves his friends.

Jesus is the true and better David, whose victory becomes his peoples' victory though they never lifted a stone to accomplish it themselves.

Jesus is the true and better Esther, who didn't just risk losing an earthly palace but lost the ultimate heavenly one; who didn't just risk His life but gave His life; who didn't just say "If I perish, I perish," but says, "When I perish, I'll perish for them, to save my people."

Jesus is the true and better Jonah, who was cast out in the storm so we could be brought in.

He's the real Passover Lamb. He's the true Temple, the true Prophet, the true Priest, the true King, the true Sacrifice, the true Light, the true Lamb, the true Bread...

The Bible's not about you! It is primarily about Jesus.

so close...

so, I have been out of town for a week...and I'm SO glad to be back home! here's the latest on Miss Harper Lynn... we have completely mature lungs, people!! that's fantastic! Harper is also very close to five pounds. Pray with me that five pounds is an under-estimate...and that she continues to gain lots of good weight over the next several days...weight is VERY important. When Harper is born, she will be on an IV drip of a medication that will help keep an important extra vessel in her heart open (that will later be closed...yes, the NICU is full of paradoxes). However, we generally don't feed babies who are on this medication. So, beside being like every other baby who loses approximately 10%(ish) of their body weight the first week of life, we won't be putting anything in to help her regain. In addition, sweet girl will lose weight after surgery because her body's metabolic demands will be extremely high as a part of the healing process from surgery. We also don't feed babies immediately after major surgery...see, babies are sort of like men. they have a one track mind. In Harper's case, we want her body to focus on oxygenating and making that heart work. If we feed her, that steals blood and energy away from the healing process, and her body is concentrating on too many things at once. However; no foods means no weight gain (beside water weight, which isn't good weight gain and will go away anyway), In short: pray for poundage!! At this point, Miss Harper's birthday is scheduled for April 5th. The c-section is scheduled for 7:30 am, so sometime around 8:00 am, sweet Harper will be making her grand entrance, to quite the audience: pray for Dr. Killeen (Amy's regular OB) and the assisting physician (another OB). they will be the ones performing the c-section and taking care of Amy. also pray for the anesthesiologist...for good spinal anesthesia and pain control for Amy, as well as no nausea. After anesthesia is deemed effective, daddy Dustin will be escorted back to the OR. Pray for courage for him, and that he and Amy will be filled with the Peace that passes all understanding. I'm not sure whether Dr. Robinson (the cardiologist) will be present at the delivery...generally he shows up in the NICU and performs the echocardiogram after baby comes back from OR. But pray for clear images and good reports from him. This echo will give us the clearest picture of Harper's heart and blood flow thus far, and will go a long way in determining what surgeries and/or procedures she will have in the first week or so of life, as well as the overall severity of the defect. Aaaaand we can't forget the NICU team. :) There will be two nurses, possibly a respiratory therapist, and one of two neonatologists (Dr. Contreras or Dr. Carroll) present to take care of Miss Harper. She may require immediate intubation for poor respiratory effort. However, since her lungs are mature, we are hoping for the other scenario: all you mommas...do you remember the first time you heard your brand new baby cry? Do you remember the first time you met the sweet thing you'd been waiting to meet for all those months (or years, Jennifer)? Do you remember counting their toes and touching their sweet, still-covered-with-vernix faces? Pray that for Amy and Dustin. Pray they will be able to have a moment with sweet girl before she is whisked off to the NICU. Pray they will get to hear her "hello world, why is it so COLD out here???" holler. Pray they will get to have a first few pictures with this precious life. And pray for Miss Harper. Being a brand new baby in the NICU is not the funnest experience. Bright lights, lots of people and noise, needle pokes, things being stuck to her chest, being restrained to keep her from "helping" during central line placement...lots of new things. Pray for God's comport and peace to Harper during her first few hours of life. Lastly, but definitely not leastly...please pray for Harper's big brothers Eli and Landon. They have been hearing about this new baby sister for a while, and won't understand why they don't get to meet her right away. Pray that God will give them patience and understanding in their two year old minds and hearts, and extra measures of love while mommy and daddy are away. Pray also for the fabulous grandmas and other friends and family members who will be with the boys in the coming days, that they will be able to comfort Eli and Landon and keep them reassured. That's all I know for now...will keep y'all posted. Keep praying it up!

big girl!

quick update: I heard from Amy and her last appointment showed that Miss Harper is getting positively chunkified...she went from 3# 11 oz on March 11th to 4# 8 oz today (the 22nd). that's almost a pound in a week and a half! she now weighs more than either of her big brothers did when they were born. please don't stop praying for growth and the optimal situation for little miss when she's born. go, big girl, go!

46XX

the verdict is in! along with other tests that were run on Miss Harper this weekend, chromosomal tests were done. many times, if a baby isn't growing and everything else checks out, it means some type of chromosomal defect is involved. the full report will not be in until next week, but the preliminary results show a chromosomally normal female: 46XX. all sets of chromosomes are there and normal, including the sex chromosomes (the XX). that's FANTASTIC news...praise God! Thank you for praying!

As a result of normal chromosomes, the doctors think Harper's lack of growth is due to (in Amy's words) "a lousy placenta." Since Harper's not growing, she's under some stress (we could liken it to working hard because you have a pressing deadline at your job, but you're still functioning well) but all of the testing they've done shows that she's not in DIStress (which could be compared to you having a meltdown and being locked up in the psych ward, getting shots of psychotropic drugs in your rear as a result of previously mentioned project). So, Amy was allowed to go home (90 miles from the hospital) today, but her doctors are wanting to keep a very close watch on Miss Harper and want Amy to take it very easy to keep Harper's next few weeks as stress free as possible for optimal growth. She will be back in Lubbock for a non-stress test and sonogram on Saturday.

So...how to pray?? At this point, please continue to pray for Miss Harper to get bigger and to have a few more weeks "on the inside"...they are shooting for end of March/beginning of April-pray for April! Also, we want her heart's tricuspid valve (the valve that controls blood flow from the right atrium to the right ventricle) to get bigger. Please also pray that her VSD (hole between the ventricles that allows blood mixing) doesn't get bigger...we want it to be big enough to allow blood into the right ventricle but not so big that it can't be closed in order to create a two-chamber heart.

Please also continue to pray for Amy and Dustin; that God is preparing their hearts for this precious little heart that is coming. Pray for strength and courage for the days to come, and that they will lean wholly on Jesus in everything.

Harper's lungs

odd title, yes. who is Harper, and what do their lungs have to do with anything? let me tell you a story. meet one of the sweetest families I have ever had the privilege of taking care of:

these are the Grigsbys: Dustin, Amy, and their precious two year old twins, Eli and Landon. the boys were born a couple of months early back in 2008, and I got to take care of them almost every night that I worked while they were in the hospital.

fast forward: Amy found out several months ago that she was expecting a little girl...so exciting! but then they discovered some very scary, not at all exciting news...Miss Harper, who has not even emerged into the outside world yet, is already in the fight of her life.

Harper was diagnosed with HRHS...Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome. In short, the right ventricle (which pumps blood to the heart to be oxygenated) and some of the valves and vessels between it and the lungs are too small...hypoplastic. In the intervening months, there have been dozens of doctor visits...Amy's regular OB appointments, visits with the high risk pregnancy doctors, and visits with a pediatric cardiologist. Multiple blood flow studies have been done on baby Harper's tiny heart. Dozens of images have been taken of the structure of her heart. It's been a roller coaster for all of them.

Yesterday, Amy was admitted to the hospital in Lubbock where I used to work. Earlier this week, her appointment shower that Miss Harper is continuing to not grow like she should be, and her lungs are not as developed as they should be, which is a problem for a little one with a heart defect. Her doctor allowed her to go home after that appointment, but she was expected at the hospital yesterday so that an amniocentesis could be done and a new plan could be formulated. The amnio showed that Harper's lungs are, indeed, not near where they should be. They will be talking with the high risk pregnancy doc today (Sunday) to see where to go from here. for more details, check out Amy's blog here.

So...please pray.

Pray for Amy...that God would give her peace and courage, and that she will continue to hope in Christ and be confident of His hand on this sweet little life inside her.

Pray for Dustin...that God would comfort him as well, and give him the strength to lead his family and trust in you for provision.

Pray for Eli and Landon...that they will be comforted in the days ahead when their mommy and daddy will be away from them, be it working or spending time with Miss Harper while she is in the hospital.

Pray for all of the doctors and nurses involved in Amy's (and later, Harper's) care...for wisdom and guidance, and to follow God's prompting to investigate further hen they can't put a finger on it, but know that something seems not right.

And please, please pray for Miss Harper...pray that she continues to grow. Pray for continued optimal blood flow through her heart. And pray for growth and maturity...in Harper's lungs.

Ryder

so...just wanted to say that I am working with absolutely the most fantastical, amazing, greatest team leader ever tonight! love to Lauren!

sweet mercies

so, the only way to get going with this is to just get started. it's been a long time, friends...hopefully it won't be as long with this happenin' blogpress app :)

I always loved that praise song "sweet mercies"...here are the lyrics, to save you a google search:


It's our confession Lord
that we are weak
So very weak
but You are strong
And though we've nothing Lord
to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say Help us along

A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love's strong current
Let the river flow
by your Spirit now
Lord we cry

Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray

I love the verse in Lamentations that promises new mercies every day...indeed, great is His faithfulness.

today, my mercies were breakfast with my fabulous roommate, then some yummy passion tea lemonade from Starbucks, along with some journaling and Jesus. then there was the dentist...and the mercy there was numbing medicine! now, I'm off to cuddle with my dog for a nap.

what are your mercies today? I pray you find something beautiful that encourages your heart.

last week...

so i actually wrote this last week, but here it is...

confession: my church attendance has been pretty sketch this semester. sure, i've been gone some and worked some, but mostly, i've been a lazy bum. This past Sunday, though (12/13), i made it to the service and settled in with a few friends.

our pastor just started a new series called "The Wonder of it All." Sunday's title was "Don't Miss the Magic." Jeff talked about the Wise Men and i learned some things I didn't know before. In Matthew 2:2, the wise men are asking King Herod where the new King of the Jews is so that they can worship him. They say that they saw His star in the sky and they have been following it. The history is that the Magi had known that this star, this King, were coming for 600 years, since it had been foretold in Daniel 9. They had been watching all this time, and when they saw it, they jumped up and went to worship a foreign King who wasn't even theirs. They made a great sacrifice to cross a desert of robbers. It could have taken them anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of YEARS, people. Most importantly, they EXPECTED to worship...worship is an ACTION, not a feeling. It is a decision.

Also, they were prepared to worship...they had been watching for this to happen for 600 years, remember? They were WATCHING and WAITING and READY. After they left Herod, they continued to follow the star until it stopped where Jesus was located. Matt. 2:10 says they were totally stoked to see Jesus, that they fell down, and they offered expensive and precious gifts. SO...Jeff's point was that we should always be expecting to worship Christ in any situation...not just church. If Jesus says that whenever we have served the least of these, we have served Him, it clearly follows that acts of service to the hurting hearts and lives around us are acts of worship. Now, fast forward...

so we've been pretty busy at work here lately. close to max census, and we have a lot of high acuity (really sick) kids. 'tis the season...it's like this every year.

since it's been so busy, i worked five days last week and i'm working four this week...i am scheduled for this thurs/fri/saturday, but i had a lot of days off and no plans monday night, so i called about two o'clock monday morning to see if they needed help for monday night. my boss called me back about 7 am and said they could definitely use me, so they'd see me at 7 that evening. perfect. i jaunted off to bed and tucked myself into my warm covers to get some much-needed sleep.

i was running late for work (last minute Christmas decorations for outside), so i was one of the last ones to get there. i pulled my bag of pens and such out of my locker, clocked in, and turned around to look at the assignment sheet that held my fate for the evening. i quickly scanned the list, knowing that someone, somewhere in the unit, was waiting (probably anxiously) for my arrival. finally, i found my name.

my face fell a little. I had been assigned to two very busy, very chronic patients who have both been in our unit for a while. Both of them can get very agitated and be difficult to calm and have very involved nursing care needs. My report took a good 15 or 20 minutes. One of the boys had been good all day, requiring nothing other than his scheduled meds. The other had a pretty rough day, and his mom had been around for most of it. Like so many mothers, she has taken her son's illness very hard, and the months and months of uncertainty are wearing on her. My heart went out to her as I listened to the day shift nurse weave her tale. I knew I was equal to the task of competently caring for my patients, but I was also anticipating lots of running, lots of medications, and probably some frustration second to the inconsolability of my two little charges.

the day shift nurse finally made her escape, wishing me a good night. i organized my charts just the way i like them, cleaned up my desk area, and signed in to the hospital's computer charting system. i noted all of the medications i would need to give, treatments to be administered, feedings, and anything else pertinent to my patients' care on my notes. i peeked into each of the kids' rooms to check on them and jotted down some quick vital signs as i verified that the settings on all of their monitors and machines were correct. both babies were sleeping, so i sat back down to set up my game plan for the night, all the while thinking (a bit self-righteously), "this is going to be a rough night, just get ready...but hey, it's only 12 hours, you can do anything for 12 hours!"

and then i stopped. i remembered that sermon on Sunday. in serving these little kids...in taking care of them, the least of these...the sick ones...in serving them, i would be serving Christ. worshiping Him. and since when has service ever been easy, i ask you? it wouldn't be worship if sacrifice weren't involved. so, sitting there at my little desk, paperwork scattered about...i dropped my head, covered my face, and began to pray like i have never prayed at work.

"Abba, be here tonight. Give me unending patience with these little ones, no matter how upset or inconsolable they are. Fill my mind with your spirit and your compassion for these precious creations of yours. Make my hands and my words gentle, and keep me ever conscious of my actions around them. This little one here, Lord...be with this one's mama. She's so lonely, and she's having such a hard time. Give her courage, Lord, and wrap your arms around her spirit and cover her with your love and peace. Bring comfort to her baby tonight so that he can rest peacefully and not struggle so much. That one over there, Lord...place your hands of peace on him and let him rest. Keep his little spirit calm, and let him respond to me and feel safe with me. His mom is so good with him, Lord...keep her spirits up, because I know this long stay is so hard on her. Bless her for her patience and faithfulness in coming and caring for him. He responds so well to her; is calmer with her than with any of the nurses. Lay your hands over this place, tonight. Make your presence near. I love you. Amen."

And I lifted my head and opened my eyes. What followed was one of the greatest examples I have seen of calling on Jesus and Him answering immediately and in a specific manner.

The rest of the night, one of my little ones was so agitated, no matter what I did or what meds I gave him. He was just having a rough time. Through it all, I stayed calm, talking to him and patting him to help him calm. My other little patient slept well for much of the night, and if he got upset, he was easily calmed and his oxygen status was doing really well. But through everything, I was conscious of being the hands and feet of Christ. I was aware of all of my actions. i can't even explain it...but it was amazing. I felt the attitude of Christ dwelling in me. What wonder and amazement, that he would use someone like me to be a vessel of His love. amazing grace, how sweet the sound...it's true.

so good.

the FINAL final act

Gather round, children, for I have a story to tell you!

So, as of my last post (and my sorries that it was in September...how patiently you wait!), I had spoken with Donna at CSI and she sent my claim confirmation email. So I got it opened up, printed and signed the release, and faxed it back to CSI. According to them, I should receive my claim check (from Express, no less) within 45 days.

Including weekends, yesterday (the day that the check arrived in my mailbox) was day #50. Are we shocked? No. Do I care? Nope. It's in my hands! A few interesting points: I first called Express on Friday the 6th to check on the status of my check, and they never answered/called me back. I called them again on Monday and they were like, oh yeah, we mailed it a day or so you called! Ok, whatev. You're in Houston, I'm in SA...should take two days, max. I call them again yesterday, and they're like, well, we sent it...it should be coming...k, whatever. So I finally get it today, and guess what?? The check is dated 11/7/09...a day AFTER my first call! I bet they were just going to sit on it til I called! Haters.

Also, note on my facebook album that the handwriting on the envelope looks like a serial killer's handwriting, AND they can't spell my street name. Interesting. BUT I HAVE THE CHECK! I think I'll photocopy it before I cash it, and then I can frame it or put it in a scrapbook or something.

more later about my life; just thought i'd share the last bit of the saga!