moments

hope.

2012-01-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

so I was driving home this morning, and this song popped up on my iPod. you know how when you've listened to a song a thousand times and know it so well that you space out and start thinking other things, but can still pick up and sing along with the lyrics at any point? that was me this morning. I had to restart the song TWICE to refocus an listen all the way through. and the God Who speaks through anything (and usually weird things) began to whisper to my heart...

Our Hope Endures

Natalie Grant

"You would think

only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume

this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

He never promised me it would be easy. but He DID promise to never, ever leave me and to never give me more than I could bear, especially with His help. His strength is perfect in the absence of mine. "But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction." (Job 36:15)

Oh, but sometimes the sun

stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky

rains night after night
When will it clear?

Psalm 30:5 promises that weeping and sadness may stay for the night, but JOY comes in the morning! Even in the worst times, we find joy and peace that pass all understanding.

But our Hope endures

the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged..."

what beautiful words, and what comfort they bring! hope is so much more that just being happy all the time. I can attest to this as an incurable, unfailingly optimistic optimist. there are days when i may not smile the whole way through, but there is a Gentleness in my spirit, reminding me of Whose I am and the promises He holds for my heart and my life.

trust

2012-01-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to write so many times, but had no idea where to begin. God is elbow deep in my heart and my life, teaching me slowly to trust Him. I am so thankful for One who does not throw up His hands in frustration when I don't get it right the first (or 342nd) time. His mercies are new every morning; every moment...GREAT is His faithfulness in this girl's whirling dervish of a life.

I have always been bad about tithing...knew I should, but I had a hard time consistently making it my top priority. At the beginning of 2011, I made an unofficial resolution/covenant to give my tithe with every paycheck that year. God says in Malachi to test Him and see if he doesn't throw open the floodgates of blessings. my human mind wanted to see if He'd prove it. This "experiment" would also be a way to walk in deliberate, palpable obedience to my Father.

guess what?

It worked. (I know, shocker).

No, I didn't win the lottery. $100 bills did not rain from the sky. But I had enough. Be it a car crisis that my emergency fund covered or a random bonus check that came at just the right time...He was faithful. every time.

It's the middle of January 2012 now, and life has thrown me a pretty tough curve ball in the last few months. I've tripped, gotten dirt in my scrapes, and I'm still working on giving my anger to Him. But God, in His infinite wisdom, has spent the last 13 months teaching me what trust is. I hear about it everywhere. I read about it. Today's sermon was about it. And slowly, ever so painfully slowly, I am learning to share my control freakiness with the One who created it all.

skittles

2011-08-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

I love skittles...they're sort of an ADD candy. they come from the same bag, but have different flavors, colors, and sometimes are even shaped a little different. my mind feels like a bag of skittles lots of times...all of my thoughts are coming from the same place, but a plethora of different subjects and situations. such is my mind today, so here is the bag of skittles that is my head...

I am just over halfway through Dave Ramsey's FPU class. love it. have learned so much. I am the epitome of free spirit, but I have found such peace with a budget and cash envelopes. if you haven't taken the class, I'm telling you...RUN like Flo Jo to the nearest place you can find that offers it. the class is free; you only pay for materials. it will change your life.

recently started rereading Harry Potter...they never get old. JKR is a literary genius!

last I checked, Miss Harper is doing well! she came home after heart surgery still requiring her feeding tube, but has since graduated to being able to drink all of her bottles ALL by herself. yaaaaaaaaay!! she is now settling into normal life with mama and daddy and big brothers Eli and Landon. pray for continued protection from illness and that she will continue to grow big!

I went on a delivery recently for a 23 week baby. we tried our best, but the little guy was too tiny to make it. I let the labor nurse know on my way out that I'd be more than happy to come back and do handprints and footprints. she called me 30-45 minutes later. as I had the father lift his tiny son so I could ink his little hands, I marveled again at the privilege I have to be a part of the lives of the families I interact with. I never have to wonder if I'm going to be the hands and feet of Christ...opportunities abound! most people have never seen a baby as small as this one, and it's incredible how complete they are. they have fully formed arms, legs, fingers, toes...many times, you can even tell who they take after. my little guy looked just like his dad, and I don't know whose nose he had, but it was definitely distinctive. what an honor to show compassion even as I dressed him in a little gown covered with rocket ships and tucked him into the basket he was lying in on his mom's bed. I know it sounds cheesy, but I love that I love my job!

Miguel

2011-06-19T11:20:00.001-07:00

the dude pictured above is my dad, for those who have not had the pleasure of meeting him.

he's a nut. he has never met a stranger. he will talk to you until YOU are blue in the face. he is one of the friendliest people I know, but God HELP you if you get crossways with his family. he will give you the shirt off his back and the last ten bucks in his wallet.

I am just like him, and I couldn't be prouder. and if I marry half the man he is, I will be blessed beyond measure.

keep praying, keep praising!

2011-06-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

Harper: Day 2 (6/14)

sweet girl was pretty heavily sedated after surgery and all night. however, they started weaning and allowing her to wake up this morning. guess what? when she woke up enough, her breathing tube was removed! that's awesome! she is still on a nasal cannula to blow a little air in and help keep things stimulated/inflated, but that's a GREAT BIG step!

Harper is also currently in heart block...that means her heart hasn't quite woken up from the shock of surgery (normal and expected), so she has the help of a temporary pacemaker right now. the doctors will give her heart up to a week to get its act together before they decide to place a permanent pacemaker that she will have for the rest of her life. while mommy and daddy don't necessarily WANT that, if that's the only thing they have to deal with, they'll take it!

Harper has also had some of her IVs removed, medications discontinued, and the girl is EATING, people! EATING, a day after heart surgery! and according to her daddy, she is breathing AND eating much better than before her surgery...this is fantastic news! right now, she's eating an ounce every three hours, and they will continue to advance that slowly until she is on "full feeds"...meaning she gets all of her nutrition from mama's milk and the IV fluids can be turned off completely.

Harper: Day 3 (6/15)

i didn't hear much today, except that Miss Harper's heart has kicked it into high gear and is working on its own! hallelujah, no pacemaker for this girl!

please continue praying for a good, speedy recovery. Harper will have another echocardiogram (heart sonogram) over the next few days to make sure the patches that were placed are not leaking at all (or maybe leaking just a tiny bit). so pray that Dr. Harrell's stitches are holding better than your grandma's quilt stitches ever thought about holding together!

here i raise my ebenezer...

2011-06-14T02:07:00.000-07:00

i love this verse from the old hymn...it comes from a verse in 1 Samuel. The Israelites were being attacked by the Philistines, and God threw the Philistines into a tizzy, and they all ran in every direction BUT toward the Israelites. The Israelites chased after them and slaughtered them. In response to the victory, Samuel set up a sort of altar to praise God and mark the occasion...he called the stone "Ebenezer", which means "thus far has the Lord helped us."

in similar fashion, we are raising our Ebenezer stone in victory today...she made it! praise God, Miss Harper made it through surgery! see mama Amy's blog here. i got text updates throughout the day. Harper was taken back to the OR around 7:30 yesterday morning, and her day proceeded as follows:

1036: Harper went on the heart/lung machine about 10. Her heart will be stopped for about an hour. Surgery is going well so far.

1215: The repair was a little more complicated than they expected. There was another hole that had to be patched as well, but both have been patched and now they'll warm her up and restart her heart. (my aside...the heart ORs are kept very cold...i'm talking like 40 or 50 degrees fahrenheit. Aids with decrease in infection and body metabolism rates.)

I asked when I woke up this afternoon if sweet girl was settled in the PICU yet:

1441: I think so. Dr. Harrell said it was one of the most difficult repairs he's ever done. Her heart was much more deformed that they could see on the echo. So it took a lot longer than expected.

I also asked if she was still considered "fixed", and i got a big smile: Yes! All fixed :)

1755: She's doing well...considering. (i tried to upload a picture here, but blogger shut me down both times...)

1816: Sorry for such a long delay. Harper is in ICU and doing well. She may go off the ventilator as early as tonight. We are so relieved and thankful that she has done so well!

I asked how mommy and daddy are doing, and Amy said they are well...mostly just relieved, thankful, and at peace.

Please keep praying for Miss Harper. The second and third days after surgery are usually harder, as your body starts to wake up more and the AK-47 caliber of pain meds from surgery start to wear off. Harper will be kept on continuous pain and sedation drips for now to help, and she will also have medicine ordered for breakthrough pain. Continue to pray for healing to her body and that she stays free of infection. Continue to pray for guidance for the doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists caring for her. Pray for true rest for Amy and Dustin, and that they would continually be renewed and strengthened by the Father.

will post more later...continue to pray that His name is glorified in every way possible!

hit yo' knees for baby Harper!

2011-06-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

ok friends...i am a lame, awful poster. however...that is a topic for a different post. i have something much more important to discuss.

this sweet girl right here...
is having her surgery TODAY! as i type, her mommy and daddy are driving toward Lubbock. they have to arrive by 6:00 AM, and surgery will begin sometime between 7:00 and 7:30.

here's what's going to happen: most of us have two ventricles in the lower half of our heart; one to pump deoxygenated blood to the lungs, and one to pump oxygenated blood that has returned from the lungs out to the body. these two are divided by a piece of muscle called a septum...same concept as that thing that divides your two nostrils. in Harper's case, she has a large VSD...ventricular septal defect. basically means that where that septum should be...there's a big ol' hole. so Miss Harper's deoxygenated blood is mixing with oxygenated blood. this is a problem, because the blood being pumped to her body is only semi-oxygenated. that makes it hard to breathe, hard to have energy, hard to eat...basically, everything is harder for little miss. so what the doctors are going to do is take a piece of gore-tex patch and sew in in where that septum should be. as long as all goes well...and we have faith that it will!...this will be the only surgery Harper will ever have to have and she will live a normal life from now on.

what does this mean for her? if you will look again at the picture above, you will notice an orange and white tube dangling from Miss Harper's left nostril. that is a feeding tube. remember how it's hard for her to have the energy to eat? since Harper came home from the hospital at 3-4 weeks of age (and even in the hospital), that tube has been her worst best friend. Harper gets to practice bottle-feeding a couple times a day just so she remembers how, but the vast majority of her nutrition is delivered via a feeding pump through that tube and directly into her stomach. that way, she gets all of her calories and can concentrate just on gaining weight, not having to work for it. this way, she's been able to get bigger more quickly in order to optimize her chances for surgery. since she came home from the hospital, this has been Harper's world:

the bag on the pole holds her milk, which then runs through her tubing. she gets fed every three hours, around the clock. you will also notice a white cord hanging off the front of her swing...that hooks to a monitor that measures the level of oxygen in Harper's blood. if it gets below a certain level, the monitor alarms loud enough to wake the dead for 20 miles...her mama will attest to this! as time has worn on, her monitors have gone off more often, and her color has not been quite as pink. she's also been working noticeably harder to breathe. between these things and her weekly appointments with the cardiologist, we have arrived at today.

Amy and Dustin have incredible faith...i watched it play out two and a half years ago with their twin boys. please pray for them...pray God will encourage and strengthen them today, and that they will have the Peace that passes all understanding. pray that the Perfect Love they cling to will cast out all of their fears.

and the team...pray for Dr. Harrell...he's the surgeon who will be operating on Miss Harper. pray for steady hands and wisdom. pray for the anesthesiologist who will be closely monitoring Harper's pain, sedation, and oxygenation levels during surgery. pray for the perfusionist who will be running the heart/lung machine that will do all of Harper's blood pumping and oxygenation during the most critical part of surgery...in order for the heart to be still enough to make the microscopic stitches needed, her heart will actually be stopped for a while. pray for the circulating nurses and scrub techs, that they will be able to anticipate every need.

after surgery, Miss Harper will be wheeled back to the pediatric intensive care unit. i know those nurses, and i know they are some of the best. they will be Harper's advocates throughout their stay. pray that their eyes are open and anticipating anything that may be cropping up with Miss Harper after surgery. and most of all...pray for Miss Harper. pray that her little 13 week old self knows the love and comfort of the Father through all of this. pray that her pain is well controlled and that healing comes quickly. pray that she doesn't develop an oral aversion from all of the tubes in her mouth (this will make it more difficult to relearn bottle feeding). pray that no post-op infections crop up and increase her hospital time.

it's gonna be a big day...pray that the Father is known above all.

more updates later.

good, awesome, enlightening stuff.

2011-03-30T18:51:00.001-07:00

disclaimer: this is NOT mine. I am not this theologically brilliant. I transcribed the following word for word from a YouTube video. mad props to the true author, Tim Keller (Redeemer.com).

I hope this encourages you as much as it did me.

What is the Bible basically about?
Message by Tim Keller, www.redeemer.com

What is the Bible basically about?

"And beginning with Moses and all the prophets, he interpreted to them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself." -Luke 24:27

What is the Bible really about? Is the Bible basically about me and what I must do, or is it basically about Jesus and what He has done?

When you read in Luke and Acts about how Jesus in those 40 days got His disciples together, 40 days before He ascended after He was raised, what was He doing? Basically he was saying, "Everything in the old testament is about Me." He says, "The reason you didn't understand what I was about was that you didn't realize that everything in the prophets and the psalms and the law was pointing to Me."

Do you believe the Bible is basically about you, or basically about Him? Is David and Goliath basically about you and how you can be like David and Goliath, or basically about Him, the One who really took on the great and the only giants that can really kill us? And so His victories are imputed to us.

Who is David and Goliath really about? That's the fundamental question.

And when that happens, you start to read the Bible anew, you know?

Jesus is the true and better Adam, who passed the test in the garden...His garden, a much tougher garden. And whose obedience is imputed to us.

Jesus is the true and better Abel, who though innocently slain has blood that cries out; not for our condemnation but for our acquittal.

Jesus is the true and better Abraham, who answered the call of God to leave all of the comfortable and familiar and go into the void, not knowing whither he went.

Jesus is the true and better Isaac, who was not just offered up by his father on the mount but was truly sacrificed for us all. While God said to Abraham, "Now I know you love me, because you did not withhold your son, your only son whom you love from me," now we at the foot of the cross can say to God, "Now we know that you love me, because you did not withhold YOUR son, your only son, whom you love for me."

Jesus is the true and better Jacob, who wrestled and took the blow of justice we deserved so we, like Jacob, only received the wounds of grace that wake us up and discipline us.

Jesus is the true and better Joseph, who is at the right hand of the King, and forgives those who betrayed and sold him and uses his power to save us.

Jesus is the true and better Moses, who stands in the gap between the people and the Lord and who mediates the new covenant.

Jesus is the true and better Rock of Moses, whose strike with the rod of God's justice now gives us water in the desert.

Jesus is the true and better Job; He's the truly innocent sufferer who then intercedes for and saves his friends.

Jesus is the true and better David, whose victory becomes his peoples' victory though they never lifted a stone to accomplish it themselves.

Jesus is the true and better Esther, who didn't just risk losing an earthly palace but lost the ultimate heavenly one; who didn't just risk His life but gave His life; who didn't just say "If I perish, I perish," but says, "When I perish, I'll perish for them, to save my people."

Jesus is the true and better Jonah, who was cast out in the storm so we could be brought in.

He's the real Passover Lamb. He's the true Temple, the true Prophet, the true Priest, the true King, the true Sacrifice, the true Light, the true Lamb, the true Bread...

The Bible's not about you! It is primarily about Jesus.

so close...

2011-03-30T17:27:00.001-07:00

so, I have been out of town for a week...and I'm SO glad to be back home! here's the latest on Miss Harper Lynn... we have completely mature lungs, people!! that's fantastic! Harper is also very close to five pounds. Pray with me that five pounds is an under-estimate...and that she continues to gain lots of good weight over the next several days...weight is VERY important. When Harper is born, she will be on an IV drip of a medication that will help keep an important extra vessel in her heart open (that will later be closed...yes, the NICU is full of paradoxes). However, we generally don't feed babies who are on this medication. So, beside being like every other baby who loses approximately 10%(ish) of their body weight the first week of life, we won't be putting anything in to help her regain. In addition, sweet girl will lose weight after surgery because her body's metabolic demands will be extremely high as a part of the healing process from surgery. We also don't feed babies immediately after major surgery...see, babies are sort of like men. they have a one track mind. In Harper's case, we want her body to focus on oxygenating and making that heart work. If we feed her, that steals blood and energy away from the healing process, and her body is concentrating on too many things at once. However; no foods means no weight gain (beside water weight, which isn't good weight gain and will go away anyway), In short: pray for poundage!! At this point, Miss Harper's birthday is scheduled for April 5th. The c-section is scheduled for 7:30 am, so sometime around 8:00 am, sweet Harper will be making her grand entrance, to quite the audience: pray for Dr. Killeen (Amy's regular OB) and the assisting physician (another OB). they will be the ones performing the c-section and taking care of Amy. also pray for the anesthesiologist...for good spinal anesthesia and pain control for Amy, as well as no nausea. After anesthesia is deemed effective, daddy Dustin will be escorted back to the OR. Pray for courage for him, and that he and Amy will be filled with the Peace that passes all understanding. I'm not sure whether Dr. Robinson (the cardiologist) will be present at the delivery...generally he shows up in the NICU and performs the echocardiogram after baby comes back from OR. But pray for clear images and good reports from him. This echo will give us the clearest picture of Harper's heart and blood flow thus far, and will go a long way in determining what surgeries and/or procedures she will have in the first week or so of life, as well as the overall severity of the defect. Aaaaand we can't forget the NICU team. :) There will be two nurses, possibly a respiratory therapist, and one of two neonatologists (Dr. Contreras or Dr. Carroll) present to take care of Miss Harper. She may require immediate intubation for poor respiratory effort. However, since her lungs are mature, we are hoping for the other scenario: all you mommas...do you remember the first time you heard your brand new baby cry? Do you remember the first time you met the sweet thing you'd been waiting to meet for all those months (or years, Jennifer)? Do you remember counting their toes and touching their sweet, still-covered-with-vernix faces? Pray that for Amy and Dustin. Pray they will be able to have a moment with sweet girl before she is whisked off to the NICU. Pray they will get to hear her "hello world, why is it so COLD out here???" holler. Pray they will get to have a first few pictures with this precious life. And pray for Miss Harper. Being a brand new baby in the NICU is not the funnest experience. Bright lights, lots of people and noise, needle pokes, things being stuck to her chest, being restrained to keep her from "helping" during central line placement...lots of new things. Pray for God's comport and peace to Harper during her first few hours of life. Lastly, but definitely not leastly...please pray for Harper's big brothers Eli and Landon. They have been hearing about this new baby sister for a while, and won't understand why they don't get to meet her right away. Pray that God will give them patience and understanding in their two year old minds and hearts, and extra measures of love while mommy and daddy are away. Pray also for the fabulous grandmas and other friends and family members who will be with the boys in the coming days, that they will be able to comfort Eli and Landon and keep them reassured. That's all I know for now...will keep y'all posted. Keep praying it up!

big girl!

2011-03-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

quick update: I heard from Amy and her last appointment showed that Miss Harper is getting positively chunkified...she went from 3# 11 oz on March 11th to 4# 8 oz today (the 22nd). that's almost a pound in a week and a half! she now weighs more than either of her big brothers did when they were born. please don't stop praying for growth and the optimal situation for little miss when she's born. go, big girl, go!

46XX

2011-03-15T22:30:00.001-07:00

the verdict is in! along with other tests that were run on Miss Harper this weekend, chromosomal tests were done. many times, if a baby isn't growing and everything else checks out, it means some type of chromosomal defect is involved. the full report will not be in until next week, but the preliminary results show a chromosomally normal female: 46XX. all sets of chromosomes are there and normal, including the sex chromosomes (the XX). that's FANTASTIC news...praise God! Thank you for praying!

As a result of normal chromosomes, the doctors think Harper's lack of growth is due to (in Amy's words) "a lousy placenta." Since Harper's not growing, she's under some stress (we could liken it to working hard because you have a pressing deadline at your job, but you're still functioning well) but all of the testing they've done shows that she's not in DIStress (which could be compared to you having a meltdown and being locked up in the psych ward, getting shots of psychotropic drugs in your rear as a result of previously mentioned project). So, Amy was allowed to go home (90 miles from the hospital) today, but her doctors are wanting to keep a very close watch on Miss Harper and want Amy to take it very easy to keep Harper's next few weeks as stress free as possible for optimal growth. She will be back in Lubbock for a non-stress test and sonogram on Saturday.

So...how to pray?? At this point, please continue to pray for Miss Harper to get bigger and to have a few more weeks "on the inside"...they are shooting for end of March/beginning of April-pray for April! Also, we want her heart's tricuspid valve (the valve that controls blood flow from the right atrium to the right ventricle) to get bigger. Please also pray that her VSD (hole between the ventricles that allows blood mixing) doesn't get bigger...we want it to be big enough to allow blood into the right ventricle but not so big that it can't be closed in order to create a two-chamber heart.

Please also continue to pray for Amy and Dustin; that God is preparing their hearts for this precious little heart that is coming. Pray for strength and courage for the days to come, and that they will lean wholly on Jesus in everything.

Harper's lungs

2011-03-12T17:12:00.001-08:00

odd title, yes. who is Harper, and what do their lungs have to do with anything? let me tell you a story. meet one of the sweetest families I have ever had the privilege of taking care of:

these are the Grigsbys: Dustin, Amy, and their precious two year old twins, Eli and Landon. the boys were born a couple of months early back in 2008, and I got to take care of them almost every night that I worked while they were in the hospital.

fast forward: Amy found out several months ago that she was expecting a little girl...so exciting! but then they discovered some very scary, not at all exciting news...Miss Harper, who has not even emerged into the outside world yet, is already in the fight of her life.

Harper was diagnosed with HRHS...Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome. In short, the right ventricle (which pumps blood to the heart to be oxygenated) and some of the valves and vessels between it and the lungs are too small...hypoplastic. In the intervening months, there have been dozens of doctor visits...Amy's regular OB appointments, visits with the high risk pregnancy doctors, and visits with a pediatric cardiologist. Multiple blood flow studies have been done on baby Harper's tiny heart. Dozens of images have been taken of the structure of her heart. It's been a roller coaster for all of them.

Yesterday, Amy was admitted to the hospital in Lubbock where I used to work. Earlier this week, her appointment shower that Miss Harper is continuing to not grow like she should be, and her lungs are not as developed as they should be, which is a problem for a little one with a heart defect. Her doctor allowed her to go home after that appointment, but she was expected at the hospital yesterday so that an amniocentesis could be done and a new plan could be formulated. The amnio showed that Harper's lungs are, indeed, not near where they should be. They will be talking with the high risk pregnancy doc today (Sunday) to see where to go from here. for more details, check out Amy's blog here.

So...please pray.

Pray for Amy...that God would give her peace and courage, and that she will continue to hope in Christ and be confident of His hand on this sweet little life inside her.

Pray for Dustin...that God would comfort him as well, and give him the strength to lead his family and trust in you for provision.

Pray for Eli and Landon...that they will be comforted in the days ahead when their mommy and daddy will be away from them, be it working or spending time with Miss Harper while she is in the hospital.

Pray for all of the doctors and nurses involved in Amy's (and later, Harper's) care...for wisdom and guidance, and to follow God's prompting to investigate further hen they can't put a finger on it, but know that something seems not right.

And please, please pray for Miss Harper...pray that she continues to grow. Pray for continued optimal blood flow through her heart. And pray for growth and maturity...in Harper's lungs.

Ryder

2011-03-10T00:41:00.001-08:00

so...just wanted to say that I am working with absolutely the most fantastical, amazing, greatest team leader ever tonight! love to Lauren!

sweet mercies

2011-03-08T11:20:00.001-08:00

so, the only way to get going with this is to just get started. it's been a long time, friends...hopefully it won't be as long with this happenin' blogpress app :)

I always loved that praise song "sweet mercies"...here are the lyrics, to save you a google search:

It's our confession Lord
that we are weak
So very weak
but You are strong
And though we've nothing Lord
to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say Help us along

A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love's strong current
Let the river flow
by your Spirit now
Lord we cry

Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray

I love the verse in Lamentations that promises new mercies every day...indeed, great is His faithfulness.

today, my mercies were breakfast with my fabulous roommate, then some yummy passion tea lemonade from Starbucks, along with some journaling and Jesus. then there was the dentist...and the mercy there was numbing medicine! now, I'm off to cuddle with my dog for a nap.

what are your mercies today? I pray you find something beautiful that encourages your heart.

last week...

2009-12-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

so i actually wrote this last week, but here it is...

confession: my church attendance has been pretty sketch this semester. sure, i've been gone some and worked some, but mostly, i've been a lazy bum. This past Sunday, though (12/13), i made it to the service and settled in with a few friends.

our pastor just started a new series called "The Wonder of it All." Sunday's title was "Don't Miss the Magic." Jeff talked about the Wise Men and i learned some things I didn't know before. In Matthew 2:2, the wise men are asking King Herod where the new King of the Jews is so that they can worship him. They say that they saw His star in the sky and they have been following it. The history is that the Magi had known that this star, this King, were coming for 600 years, since it had been foretold in Daniel 9. They had been watching all this time, and when they saw it, they jumped up and went to worship a foreign King who wasn't even theirs. They made a great sacrifice to cross a desert of robbers. It could have taken them anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of YEARS, people. Most importantly, they EXPECTED to worship...worship is an ACTION, not a feeling. It is a decision.

Also, they were prepared to worship...they had been watching for this to happen for 600 years, remember? They were WATCHING and WAITING and READY. After they left Herod, they continued to follow the star until it stopped where Jesus was located. Matt. 2:10 says they were totally stoked to see Jesus, that they fell down, and they offered expensive and precious gifts. SO...Jeff's point was that we should always be expecting to worship Christ in any situation...not just church. If Jesus says that whenever we have served the least of these, we have served Him, it clearly follows that acts of service to the hurting hearts and lives around us are acts of worship. Now, fast forward...

so we've been pretty busy at work here lately. close to max census, and we have a lot of high acuity (really sick) kids. 'tis the season...it's like this every year.

since it's been so busy, i worked five days last week and i'm working four this week...i am scheduled for this thurs/fri/saturday, but i had a lot of days off and no plans monday night, so i called about two o'clock monday morning to see if they needed help for monday night. my boss called me back about 7 am and said they could definitely use me, so they'd see me at 7 that evening. perfect. i jaunted off to bed and tucked myself into my warm covers to get some much-needed sleep.

i was running late for work (last minute Christmas decorations for outside), so i was one of the last ones to get there. i pulled my bag of pens and such out of my locker, clocked in, and turned around to look at the assignment sheet that held my fate for the evening. i quickly scanned the list, knowing that someone, somewhere in the unit, was waiting (probably anxiously) for my arrival. finally, i found my name.

my face fell a little. I had been assigned to two very busy, very chronic patients who have both been in our unit for a while. Both of them can get very agitated and be difficult to calm and have very involved nursing care needs. My report took a good 15 or 20 minutes. One of the boys had been good all day, requiring nothing other than his scheduled meds. The other had a pretty rough day, and his mom had been around for most of it. Like so many mothers, she has taken her son's illness very hard, and the months and months of uncertainty are wearing on her. My heart went out to her as I listened to the day shift nurse weave her tale. I knew I was equal to the task of competently caring for my patients, but I was also anticipating lots of running, lots of medications, and probably some frustration second to the inconsolability of my two little charges.

the day shift nurse finally made her escape, wishing me a good night. i organized my charts just the way i like them, cleaned up my desk area, and signed in to the hospital's computer charting system. i noted all of the medications i would need to give, treatments to be administered, feedings, and anything else pertinent to my patients' care on my notes. i peeked into each of the kids' rooms to check on them and jotted down some quick vital signs as i verified that the settings on all of their monitors and machines were correct. both babies were sleeping, so i sat back down to set up my game plan for the night, all the while thinking (a bit self-righteously), "this is going to be a rough night, just get ready...but hey, it's only 12 hours, you can do anything for 12 hours!"

and then i stopped. i remembered that sermon on Sunday. in serving these little kids...in taking care of them, the least of these...the sick ones...in serving them, i would be serving Christ. worshiping Him. and since when has service ever been easy, i ask you? it wouldn't be worship if sacrifice weren't involved. so, sitting there at my little desk, paperwork scattered about...i dropped my head, covered my face, and began to pray like i have never prayed at work.

"Abba, be here tonight. Give me unending patience with these little ones, no matter how upset or inconsolable they are. Fill my mind with your spirit and your compassion for these precious creations of yours. Make my hands and my words gentle, and keep me ever conscious of my actions around them. This little one here, Lord...be with this one's mama. She's so lonely, and she's having such a hard time. Give her courage, Lord, and wrap your arms around her spirit and cover her with your love and peace. Bring comfort to her baby tonight so that he can rest peacefully and not struggle so much. That one over there, Lord...place your hands of peace on him and let him rest. Keep his little spirit calm, and let him respond to me and feel safe with me. His mom is so good with him, Lord...keep her spirits up, because I know this long stay is so hard on her. Bless her for her patience and faithfulness in coming and caring for him. He responds so well to her; is calmer with her than with any of the nurses. Lay your hands over this place, tonight. Make your presence near. I love you. Amen."

And I lifted my head and opened my eyes. What followed was one of the greatest examples I have seen of calling on Jesus and Him answering immediately and in a specific manner.

The rest of the night, one of my little ones was so agitated, no matter what I did or what meds I gave him. He was just having a rough time. Through it all, I stayed calm, talking to him and patting him to help him calm. My other little patient slept well for much of the night, and if he got upset, he was easily calmed and his oxygen status was doing really well. But through everything, I was conscious of being the hands and feet of Christ. I was aware of all of my actions. i can't even explain it...but it was amazing. I felt the attitude of Christ dwelling in me. What wonder and amazement, that he would use someone like me to be a vessel of His love. amazing grace, how sweet the sound...it's true.

so good.

the FINAL final act

2009-11-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

Gather round, children, for I have a story to tell you!

So, as of my last post (and my sorries that it was in September...how patiently you wait!), I had spoken with Donna at CSI and she sent my claim confirmation email. So I got it opened up, printed and signed the release, and faxed it back to CSI. According to them, I should receive my claim check (from Express, no less) within 45 days.

Including weekends, yesterday (the day that the check arrived in my mailbox) was day #50. Are we shocked? No. Do I care? Nope. It's in my hands! A few interesting points: I first called Express on Friday the 6th to check on the status of my check, and they never answered/called me back. I called them again on Monday and they were like, oh yeah, we mailed it a day or so you called! Ok, whatev. You're in Houston, I'm in SA...should take two days, max. I call them again yesterday, and they're like, well, we sent it...it should be coming...k, whatever. So I finally get it today, and guess what?? The check is dated 11/7/09...a day AFTER my first call! I bet they were just going to sit on it til I called! Haters.

Also, note on my facebook album that the handwriting on the envelope looks like a serial killer's handwriting, AND they can't spell my street name. Interesting. BUT I HAVE THE CHECK! I think I'll photocopy it before I cash it, and then I can frame it or put it in a scrapbook or something.

more later about my life; just thought i'd share the last bit of the saga!

summer drama: the final act (and how apropos, since we're a few days into fall...)

2009-09-24T00:37:00.000-07:00

well, express relocation is F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. in my past. yes, people. finally. i mailed in my claim letter (sorry...packet, since it was about 30 pages worth of information and complaint and a packet of 4x6 glossies detailing just how bad they screwed up my stuff) on June 20. Monday was September 21 (that's 3 months and 1 day later...), and so i decided to make a call to the claims company-CSI.

So I dial them up and a nice lady named Donna answers the phone. Hi Donna, how are you? Good. My name is Amy Legg, and I filed a claim with you several months ago. Yes ma'am...months, not weeks. You'll check into it? Stellar. Here's my claim number. ......... Really?? You sent me a confirmation on July 23rd? How VERY odd. If my dear blog readers will recall, that is National Purple Beast Day! Funny coincidence.

So, Donna...I never got that email, and trust me, I'd remember. This has been the drama of my summer and I'd like nothing better than to be done with it. What? Do I check my email? Um...yeah. Several times a day. *What the heck kind of question is that?* Oh, I see. Emails from your company get kicked straight to spam all the time? Stellar. Can you resend that email? You can? Excellent. I will add you to my email list straightaway.

*several hours later*

Wake up from nap and excitedly (but guardedly) check phone. ooh look! new mail! Open it up...three attachments. Open the first one...delineation of claim. final verdict: $152. They approved my claim for $152. It's not the $400 or $500 I claimed, but i don't care. i truly don't. i am so over expending emotional energy on something i can't change. i refuse to engage in a pissing contest of who can scream louder and bitch longer. i am O.V.E.R. them. yay me for getting some money out of the whole mess...i expected them to reject the whole claim.

small victory/jab for me...i did end up claiming the vacuum because when i sent the information in, I still hadn't received it and wouldn't, in fact, for about another month. weights were required for all pieces that i was claiming...i called it 10 pounds. i received a $9 compensation for vacuum not received. and then a month later...i got the vac anyway! ha! screw you express! you had to pay to ship my vacuum (although, recalling the way it was "packaged"...it probably only cost about $9 to ship!), and you then had to pay some compensation for my vacuum because you took so freaking long to get it to me!

i win, assholes. screw you a thousand times. and...be it petty or not...i hope you screw the wrong person and get totally taken out. blah!

love to all (except express, for whom i noted my feelings above)!

:)

reflections on 09.11.2001

2009-09-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

to every soldier...every police officer...every firefighter...every volunteer...every person involved from every area of this country...thank you for your sacrifices, your dedication...your committment to this country. to every victim and their families...our prayers continue for you. may God continue to heal and comfort your hearts.

we will never forget.

and go figure...Obama didn't even bother to show up at Ground Zero today. Walter Kronkite, yes...anniversary of a turning point in American history...no. Wake up, America...have you figured out who you REALLY elected into office yet?

life and vacuums

2009-07-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

all right, my friends...i know i have been conspicuously absent. first and foremost...

51 DAYS LATER, I FINALLY HAVE THE VACUUM!!! yes people, i finally got it TODAY. i think i'm going to declare July 23 a national holiday...we'll call it "Purple Beast Day." I picked it up from the apartment office this morning and then went to Sea World to hang out with Becca and her family...what fun!

Life has been good the last month or so (with the exception of fighting with the movers...but I'm done with that, and not just because the vacuum is here...I have expended so much emotional energy on them, and I'm just done. I have other things to spend my emotions on!).

I have learned so much at the Rosa. There have been a few days that I've come home overwhelmed, but I don't think there has been a moment that I have regretted it. Things are very different here...I think the two biggest things have been the boxes (incubators) and the fact that there are so many different doctors and nurse practitioners. The incubators didn't take long to learn, and it's really nice to be able to control the baby's environment more. Little bit harder to start IVs, but you just kind of turn the baby sideways and do it that way and it's not so bad. I still have yet to figure out how the schedule works with when different doctors are on call and when to notify an MD vs. an NNP. All the nurses are telling me that I'll get there, though.

I've visited a few churches, and I'll probably check out at least a few more, but I found a great Bible study and some fantastically sweet girls that I'm excited about getting to know better. I do miss my friends in lubbock, but life is good, and i am content!

Much love!

the letter...and other things...

2009-06-16T04:56:00.000-07:00

okay, i have a little time before i leave for work this morning, so here is the letter. pictures after it, and the description of the pic is underneath it. happy reading!

June 15, 2009

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is Amy Legg (Job # 3826262-01) and I am writing in reference to my recent move from Lubbock, TX, to San Antonio, TX.

I contacted Nationwide Relocation at the end of March to prepare for my move. I gave a complete furniture list (which was later revised) and was told that I would be contacted a week or so before my move to ensure that my furniture list was still correct, my date was still the same, and in general to make sure that all details were ironed out. All paperwork was faxed to me by a Nationwide representative (John Niewoehner). I signed the paperwork and faxed it back to John.

I was contacted by Nationwide on Sunday, May 24, 2009 to verify the contents of my home. I was given an updated estimate and new paperwork was emailed to me. I signed the new paperwork and faxed it back to Nationwide on Tuesday, May 26, 2009. On Wednesday, May 27, 2009, I still had not heard from the carrier, Express Relocation Inc. about what time they would be at my home to pick up my belongings and move them to San Antonio. I contacted Nationwide and they gave me the phone number for Express Relocation. I then contacted Express Relocation and was told that movers would not be at my house until between noon and 2:00 PM on Thursday, May 28, 2009.

Express Relocation arrived at my house shortly after 3 PM on Thursday, May 28, 2009. I went over the paperwork with the driver (Amir) and signed in the appropriate places, including a release stating that any pressed board furniture should be transported AS IS and not disassembled, either by me or the carrier as stated in the contract the driver and I both signed. Part of the contract also stated that the carrier had until June 4, 2009 to deliver my belongings, but I was assured that it would be well before then. When Amir opened the truck, I saw that someone else’s belongings were already loaded in the truck. He explained that the drop off he had attempted before coming for my belongings had fallen through, and so he would have to leave their belongings in the truck and ask his boss what needed to be done with them. He explained the process for distinguishing my belongings from those of the other person and began loading, assuring me several times that all of my furniture would fit in the truck and be protected during the nine hour drive from Lubbock, TX to Houston, TX.

Several of my belongings (including several large, expensive pieces of furniture) had yet to be loaded when it became evident that my belongings would NOT in fact all fit inside the truck. The movers made the decision to leave the load/unload ramp on the back of the truck up and to load the rest of my belongings onto it and then strap them securely on. My furniture and other belongings were loaded and the driver showed me that they were secure.

I asked the driver when I would receive my belongings. He stated that it would probably be either Friday afternoon May 29 or Saturday May 30. He stated that he needed to return one of the men with him (as he was only allowed to take 2 people; himself and another person, on deliveries) and also get some sleep. He stated that he would weigh my truck shortly after leaving my house in Lubbock, TX, and that I could call Nationwide the next day (Friday May 29) to find out the weight of the truck and thus the amount I would owe when he arrived in San Antonio with my belongings. He also stated that if I had any questions, I could call him on his personal cell phone.

I arrived in San Antonio at approximately 2:30 in the morning on Friday, May 29. I called Nationwide first to find out the weight of my truck, and they stated that they had not heard from the carrier (Express Relocation). I began calling Express Relocation around noon to find out the status of my delivery. I was not able to get ahold of someone until approximately 3:30 PM Friday afternoon. I was told that the truck had just arrived in Houston and that it had not been weighed yet. I was not given a time or date for when my belongings would arrive.
Saturday morning May 30, I attempted to call Express Relocation again to find out when my belongings would be delivered. The answering machine stated that the company was closed on Saturdays, which I found odd because the driver had stated that my belongings would possibly be delivered Saturday. I left a message for my call to be returned and then attempted to call the driver, as he had stated I was welcome to do so. I called the driver MULTIPLE times on Saturday and left several messages. The phone was never answered and I never received a call back.

Sunday morning May 31, I called Express Relocation yet again. The phone was answered at 10:00 AM by Ricky. He stated that the company is closed on Saturdays and the driver did not answer his phone for religious reasons. When I stated my serious concerns about the condition of my belongings due to the fact that they had been strapped to the back of a truck and I had not been updated on their status, he stated that my truck was in a warehouse and that my belongings were covered and “everything looks good.” He stated that my delivery would be on Tuesday, June 2, 2009 at approximately 8-9 AM.

Monday, June 1, I received a call from Nationwide to check on the progress of my move. I explained my frustrations about phone calls not being returned and not being informed about the condition and location of my belongings. The representative apologized and asked me to call Nationwide back if I had not heard from the movers by the time they opened the next morning.
Tuesday morning, I woke up early and made sure things were in order for the movers’ arrival. I still had not heard from the driver at 8:45 AM. I called Nationwide, and they contacted Express Relocation and had Ricky contact me. He stated that he was sorry, but it would be another hour before my belongings would even be loaded, so it would probably be between noon and 1 PM when my belongings were delivered. He stated that the driver would call me about an hour before the estimated arrival. I thanked him and hung up. At 12:30 PM, I still had not heard from the driver. I called Express back, and Ricky stated that the driver had just left 30 minutes before my call, so it would be approximately 3:30 PM before my belongings arrived in San Antonio.

The driver finally arrived shortly after 4:00 PM. I showed him where the main pieces of furniture would go and said we could just stack boxes around them. The first few pieces of furniture came in uneventfully. All furniture had been completely wrapped in blankets and taped to prevent scratching. Then the movers began bringing in my leather couch. It took them several minutes to figure out how to get it into the door, as it is rather large. In the process, the protective blankets slipped off. They merely tossed the blankets aside and proceeded to drag my leather couch through the door and across concrete, completely unprotected. It sustained several corner scratches which are documented in included photographs. Damage was also sustained to a supporting leg on the underside of a very heavy dresser. Photographs of the underside of the dresser and of the whole dresser are included. One box (photo included) sustained severe water damage. Another box had a side that was nearly shredded, compromising the integrity of the box and its ability to protect its contents. A large mirror had a v-shaped break (see photos) and one of the legs of my office desk was partially broken away from the desk, causing unsteadiness with any movement of the desk. The drivers were generally very careless about moving boxes into the house. Almost every box that had been marked “this side up” was turned upside down, and weight was unevenly distributed, causing the boxes below them to be crushed. After the movers left, I walked outside and noticed a very large pile (approximately two feet by three feet) of trash in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It contained mostly bubble wrap and large pieces of tape. The movers also left water bottles lying around the parking lot and even stuffed one empty plastic bottle into the bushes.

A few days after receiving my belongings, I realized that I was missing two end tables made of wood and a brand new vacuum cleaner, purchased only a week before my move. I found the end tables when I opened a box. They had been (obviously very carelessly) disassembled, the pieces all thrown into a box together. I never consented to have the tables disassembled and was never told they would be disassembled. The pieces of the two tables sustained multiple scratches and dings, and nearly all of the screws that would have been needed to reassemble the tables were gone (see included photographs). After consulting with my father, who was present the day of my move, I learned that he watched the movers hurriedly and haphazardly disassemble the tables in my front yard in their haste to load their truck and get on the road.

As of this writing, I am still waiting for my vacuum cleaner. Three days after I received my belongings on June 2, I finished unpacking all of my boxes and noted that the vacuum cleaner was still missing. The driver had also left a Bill of Lading with me that was blank on my copy and I needed something clearer. Ricky faxed me a copy of all of my paperwork and, when I asked him about my vacuum, he stated, “Oh yeah, we have it here. We’re going to bring it on Tuesday (June 9) when we bring another load to San Antonio.” I thanked him and hung up. I called on Tuesday at 4:30 PM to verify that my vacuum would be arriving. Ricky stated that I needed to call the driver and give him my address; that he would be at my house around 11 PM. He stated that the driver had left Houston at approximately 4:15 PM and it would take him about four hours to get to San Antonio. He would then need to deliver his first load before coming to me. I called the driver at approximately 10 PM and was told that he was already on his way back to Houston. No attempt was made to try to contact me before he left. I spoke with Ricky (who states he is the owner) on June 11, and he stated that he will call me when he has a truck in the area, probably sometime during the week of June 15th.

My family has moved multiple times in my life, and I have NEVER had such a negative experience as this one. The services Express Relocation has provided have been abysmal. Their employees have no respect for customer belongings and I have had to call multiple times almost every time I have contacted the company in order to get ahold of someone. I feel I have been outright lied to (saying my belongings would be delivered on a Saturday when the company is closed Saturday) and that they really have no concern for me as a customer. I will not be recommending their company to anyone. Although I have had a very positive experience with Nationwide, if they continue to retain Express Relocation as a carrier, I will not recommend Nationwide’s services.

I would appreciate being kept abreast of any and all proceedings following and I appreciate the help of all involved in settling my claims and making this right. Thank you again so much for your consideration and (to Nationwide) for doing all you can to help me.

Sincerely,

Amy Legg

Photograph Descriptions/Explanations
June 13, 2009

To Whom it May Concern:
This letter details explanations for each photograph. Photographs will be described in numeric order. The number in this letter matches the number on the back of each photograph and, in addition, the number in this letter is the same as the photograph’s file name (i.e., photo #1’s file name is express1, etc.).

End Tables: These two end tables were purchased two years ago and weighed approximately 10 lb. each. The tables are made of real wood and were disassembled without my consent or prior notice. The tables sustained multiple scratches to several different pieces. The tables are missing a significant number of screws/equipment that would be needed to reassemble them. The pieces were received in a box and appeared to have been thrown into the box with no care taken to prevent any scratching or other damage.

Photo is of part of one of the tables’ legs. A large scratch is noted on the edge of one of the sides. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Photo of another table leg. Long scratch noted along the side of the leg. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Photo of piece of end table documenting missing lock that would be necessary to reattach it to other pieces of end table. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Zoomed-in photograph of table leg. Note that the white screw stabilizer in the right side of the photo is broken off halfway down, rendering reuse impossible. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photos below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Zoomed-in alternate image of same leg documented in photo #4. Broken screw stabilizer is now visible on the left side of the leg. Note the gold of the screw visible due to broken stabilizer. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Detail photo of top of lamp part of end tables. One “halo” needed to hold lampshade in place was missing. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Detail view of underside of one of the two end table tops. This is the underside of the table. Only one of four sides for underside support is present; others were broken off. Also, note the presence of screw holes made to attach top to rest of furniture. No screws were found in the box the pieces of the end table came in. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Detail of underside of second of the two end table tops. Note again the presence of multiple screw holes with screws and attached pieces stripped from them. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

Detail of top of one of the table’s supporting legs. Attached pieces were removed in such a way that damage shown occurred. Furniture will be unusable due to no secure place to reattach connecting pieces. No zoomed out photo of complete item was able to be taken as a result of complete destruction by moving company. See photo below for documentation of complete set of pieces of end tables retained.

View of all pieces of two end tables retained in box: two tops, two lamp attachments, two lower shelves, seven single legs/connecting pieces, and three fully assembled leg supports.

Leather couch: This leather couch was purchased two and a half years ago from Lack’s furniture store. I am unsure of the weight.

Detail of small scratches sustained to a corner end of a couch. This piece had absolutely no scratches prior to this move.

Detail of rough scratch measuring approximately one inch long on the front part of a couch cushion (look carefully in the middle of the picture).

Detail of corner scratch measuring approx ½ in by ¾ inch on the corner of the couch.

Detail of scratch on bottom corner of couch. The scratch is approximately two inches long. Also not multiple scratches to the wooden sofa “leg”.

Detail of scratches and scuffs to front bottom corner of couch. The scratch under the bottom row of nailheads is three inches long. Also note scuffing to the material underneath the couch and to multiple nailheads; this is a result of the couch being dragged across concrete.

Frontal view of couch.

Framed mirror: 1 photo.

This mirror measures 32 inches x 44 ½ inches and weighs approximately 20 lb. The straight crack measures 28 inches and the curved crack measures approximately 30 inches.

Dresser: This dresser was purchased two years ago at Furniture Row/Bedroom Expressions. The dresser weighs approximately 275 lbs.

Detail photo of supporting leg under the front middle of the dresser. The wood was stripped away from two supporting pegs that held the leg in place, thus compromising the supporting leg’s ability to do what it is supposed to do. In time, because of the weight of the dresser, there is a possibility that the front of the dresser will begin to sag.

Full photo of dresser and attached mirror.

Shredded box

This box was brand new when I received it, having been used only to mail lightweight paper hospital gowns from the company to the hospital I worked in. When I received it in San Antonio, it was in this condition. The inside of the box contained multiple breakable items and decorating pieces. Fortunately, damage was only done to the outside of the box.

Water-damaged box

This box was used to move dry goods and some small cooking utensils. The box was very obviously water-damaged when I received it and was, in fact, still damp. Several items in the top of the box (approximately $30 value) had to be thrown away.

Office desk: Purchased four years ago. Unsure of the weight.

Closeup of damage to right front leg of wooden desk. Desk now wobbles when moved and is not stable.

Full photo of office desk. Damage was sustained to front right leg.

well, there you go...what you guys think?

"one thing you know, in faith you find...something to stand on or you will be taught to FLY..."

2009-06-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

so this whole experience has been a leap of faith, and i'm not sure if i'm flying or if God's given me something to stand on yet...but i definitely know His hand is here.

Sunday was my first full day in the unit. rolled out of bed around 5 and was on the road by about 5:45. got to the unit a little early (i know, all of my Lubbock people are shocked) and found my place. had one of the same kids i had on friday plus two cardiac babies. my preceptor's name was Cat...and she was hilarious. great about teaching (and picking on me) and gave me the twin that we had to take care of for the day. i did all care (with a little help) and all of the charting (with a lot of help!). got nicknamed "sparky" by one of the transport nurses, because i told her i want to eventually be able to do everything in the unit (ECMO, take care of head cooling babies, transports, and cardiac--only certain nurses take care of cardiac babies) and that i love to be involved and get really excited about stuff. first feeding went off without a hitch. got baby changed and assessed and such, and cat gave me a crash course in incubators. one of the really cool things is that if you have to open the doors or take down the side, there's a button you can push and it creates a "heat wall" between baby and the outside of the incubator to help prevent the cold air from getting in. kind of like that wall of air you meet with at the grocery store to keep the bugs out. *thanks for the analogy, beth! :)* in addition to the servo temp (set temp for non NICU people) and the baby's temp, the environment temperature is also displayed. got little one's feeding started (it's all over a pump here...usually 30 min to an hour) and then went to the computer. got as much done as i could without help, and then cat came over. "did you do your abdominal girth?" nope...didn't know i was supposed to. how often do we do it? "every shift." sure, got it. will do it at noon. we looked at the assessment, meds (the MAR is also computerized...no sheet to print out, and we don't doublecheck routine meds...still the narcs and serious stuff though), feeding assessment...it was really amazing. nice to be able to go back and edit if i needed to, but definitely slower than just whipping out my pen and writing it down, although some nurses will write things down throughout the day and then put everything in at the end of the shift.

the rest of the day went pretty well...i spent my time exploring the chart (which is much smaller because a lot of the charting is online) and playing with the computer system. the nurse who dubbed me sparky came to me about 10:30 and asked if i wanted to go on a c-section...of course! then she stood up for me when the nurse practitioner stated that they already had plenty and i would probably be in the way. "it's okay, she's not going to do anything, she's just gonna watch." mostly the same setup for deliveries, except the warmer in L&D stays there if baby has to come back to us. we have a couple of carts with an isolette and a transport bag set aside just for deliveries, and baby comes back in those.

now...for the things that are a little different...for starters, pretty much all babies in the unit feed every three hours. blood pressures are with every feed (on every baby) and we do abdominal girths every shift. the incubator was not as big a deal as i thought it would be. i could do pretty much everything i needed to with just the windows open, but i did have to take the whole side down to turn baby prone. another big difference is the developmental aids...they use something called a Z-Flo here. it's like a whole mattress that's a semi-solid material that can be formed any way you want and it will stay that way. you just squish it around with your fingers and form it the way you need it to be, and it has two straps (kind of like the snugglies) that you can sort of hold baby in with. i get the feeling that the nurses don't like them so much...they think they're a pain. also, they are trialing something called Prolacta with some of their babies...it's like HMF, only liquid, and i think it's got protein in it that HMF doesn't or something. so you have to thaw the stuff out (they have a milk thawer...that's cool) and then you add a certain amount of breast milk (10 cc prolacta+40cc breast milk). there's four different concentrations depending on what you want your final caloric intake to be. we also use donor breast milk that comes from the milk bank in austin. it has a lot number and expiration on it and has been pasteurized. when you take one out, you just have to log the lot # and expiration on a log kept on the baby's clipboard. very interesting.

so the day was relatively uneventful...i learned a lot and it was a good day. i'll be out of the unit for a week because i have new nursing orientation on tuesday/wed/thurs and then i'm off the weekend because friends are coming in and i'm going to SEA WORLD ON FRIDAY!!! cool!!! i haven't been since i was like 8 or something. can't wait!

on a different note...i emailed my narrative of my whole moving experience and photos to my original contact at Nationwide today, and I should have my claims stuff in the mail by the end of the week. for your viewing pleasure, i will be posting the letter and photos on here...get excited! hopefully i will actually get something out of this for all the work i've put into it...

okay, gotta go to bed so i'm not falling asleep tomorrow. much love to all!

another first day!

2009-06-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

4:50 AM: Addison Road's "Hope Now" blasts out of my phone. time to wake up...

5:00 AM: crawling into the shower...more music blasting from the iPhone to help me wake up.

5:46 AM: heading out the door on my way to work. the drive is usually about 25-30 minutes depending on traffic, but it's nice to have a little time to listen to music or sing or pray or whatever. if it weren't so early in the morning, i might call a friend and have a catch-up conversation. :)

6:11 AM: I pull into the parking garage a little ahead of schedule. I get my stuff all together, and then here we go...

I was pulled back to junior high when i walked into the area where staff lockers and the lounge are. every locker has a combination lock on it...something i haven't used since high school! i bent down to stick my stuff in, praying that i would remember how to use them and not have to ask someone...and i did it! it was kind of awkward in the lounge...nobody really said anything to me, but i could tell they were all curious as to who i was. i found out where the assignments are posted. call me a dork or call it significant, but when i found myy assignment, my heart warmed a little...beds 21 and 22. 21 is my lucky number...maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was God giving me a little push and saying, "hey, get out there and be yourself...you're going to be fine!"

my nurse was running a little late (i found out later that her kid started getting sick at 5:30 this morning) so the transport nurse got report for her. we were taking care of a set of twins born at 25ish weeks, now 31ish weeks. the incubators were the biggest noticeable difference. the monitors and IV pumps are also different, and of course, the computer charting. they still do paper I&O's and the orders are written on paper, but all of the assessments and the MAR on on the computer. i had a class today to learn about all of that, and it makes sense so far.

since i wasn't even in the unit the whole day, i mostly just observed the nurses and oriented myself to my new environment. i left around 11:15 to get to my class (in a different hospital across town). the nurses were great once we got through report and into their routines. im excited...i can't wait to get into my real orientation with consistent preceptors and start LEARNING!

okay, now a rewind...

TUESDAY: second day of hospital orientation. also, i finally got ahold of my original contact with nationwide. i reiterated my frustrations and general disgust with the carrier, and he apologized profusely and asked me to send him a written copy of my experience and all of the photographs i will be sending to the claims department. i agreed. (still working on those...hopefully i'll get everything finished up tomorrow while i'm off.) that afternoon, i called Express to verify that they would FINALLY be bringing me my vacuum. the guy told me that the driver left houston for san antonio around 4:15. the drive takes around 4 hours for a big truck, putting the driver in san antonio around 8:15. the dispatcher gave me the driver's phone number and told me that i needed to call him around 8 to give him my address, which i thought was retarded...but ok. i mean, they just delivered my stuff a week ago...they've already lost my address? whatever. well, naturally, i forgot...i called the driver around 10. he said he'd left san antonio two hours before, because i hadn't called him. i know it's probably mostly my fault bc i was supposed to call him, but it just makes me mad bc that shouldn't be my responsibility. that was the first time in this whole experience that i was truly ANGRY. i'm just so sick of dealing with these people and their idiocy. they're the ones who forgot the vacuum in the first place; they should be the ones keeping up with how it gets back to me! stayed up for a couple more hours sorting through paperwork, and then off to bed.

WEDNESDAY: off. stayed in bed until 2. fantastic. got up and ran errands and mailed mom's birthday present. that night, i decided to take a field trip to Whole Foods and see what i could see. here's what i found...good times...

they have a MASSAGE PARLOR in the GROCERY STORE!!!! i can just see it..."relax, just breathe deep; in and out...*PRICE CHECK ON AISLE FOUR!!!*...in and out..." HELLO?!? go to a place where you can get commando and not worry about an overhead loudspeaker or hearing twenty people walk by talking on their cell phone! just sayin'...

crystal deodorant. hmm. so how do you know when you've put enough on? does it scratch your armpit?

frozen dog food. in tubes like they put hamburger meat in. interesting concept. do you have to fry it in a skillet, too?

digital price tags. how very cool!

as i was preparing to leave, i decided to run back by the soup and crackers aisle to get some water crackers...good snack. as i made my selection, a lady breezed by me and down to the soups. then...i saw the most bizarre thing i have ever seen. she took a can of soup and, while cupping it in the palm of one hand, she took a little arrowhead looking thing on a small chain and swung it over the soup. she put that can back, took another of exactly the same brand and type, and swung the chain over it again. apparently that one met her satisfaction, because she took it and walked on, never noticing that i was behind her. i called michelle to see if she had ever heard such a thing. she had not. i didn't want to offend the lady by asking her "what the heck?", but michelle made a good point...besides punk rocker goth people, hippies are more than willing to share their stories and and answer your questions, and are some of the friendliest people you will ever meet. true that. so i get off the phone and yes...i track this lady through the grocery store. yes, only me. i find her, apologize, and say that i by no means intend to offend her but...what the heck was she doing? she starts telling me about her pendulum and how it helps her find foods/vitamins/etc. that mesh with her system and her body's energies. she says its an art that she began learning from a naturalist in albuquerque back in the 70s (shocker!). then, another lady she met a few months ago who happened to walk up start talking about this blood type diet...not a lose weight kind of diet, but like, if your blood type is O, you follow this diet, etc., etc. it was...enlightening. very interesting. like michelle said..."only at whole foods!"

THURSDAY: on wed. night, i couldn't find my schedule for where i needed to be thursday. i knew i had a meditech class for half a day thurs and half a day friday, but i couldn't remember what times and didn't know where. so i crawl out of bed at 5, get ready, and get myself to the hospital by 7ish. hung out around HR until 8, when i find out (at 8:20) that my class starts at 8...at medical center. i am at city center...downtown. med center is a mile from my house...in NW San Antonio. so i get in the car, haul it, at get to the classroom at around 9. i apologized profusely to the the instructor, and she apologized right back, saying that there was no way she could get me caught up as late as i was. could i come back at 1? sure. go figure. again...only me...

okay kids...it's wicked late, you're all caught up, and i'm wiped out. g'nite...leave me some love!

first day!!

2009-06-08T21:38:00.001-07:00

ok, this is going to have to be quick because i have to be up EARLY!

i DID make it to orientation on time today (yay me...8 minutes to spare!)...so proud of myself. see, it's actually quite an ordeal for me to get to work. takes me about 25-30 minutes depending on traffic (and no, my precious lubbockites, i do not hate it yet), and by the time i roll into the parking garage, i have taken three different highways to get there. and i only needed my garmin the first few times. i feel like an old pro :).

so orientation was all the usual stuff...benefits, endless safety stuff, the talk about the hospitals history and values and the founding nuns, more safety stuff, glucometer training, and MORE safety stuff. did i mention safety stuff?

end of the day, i had to run up to the unit to get some schedule stuff. the educator remembers me from November and bless her sweet soul, she didn't run the other way when she saw me :). got all of that figured out and was done.

house is still kind of cluttered (such is my life) but i'm going to work really hard on that tomorrow evening and on wednesday. i have meditech training for half a day thurs and then friday morning. friday afternoon i'm off to the unit for my first day there. say prayers that i listen good, nod, say yes ma'am a lot, and keep my pie hole shut! i am so excited about learning new stuff. pray God makes me a little pint-sized sponge and that i take to it all like surfactant to a 24 weeker's lungs.

can't wait to see you Lubbock people who are coming down this summer. the ones who have no plans to come yet...YET...what are you waiting on? ;)

much love to all...more soon!

grace,
amy :)

the long awaited post...

2009-06-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

okay...for all of my devotees, my apologies. i haven't been to michelle's in a couple of days, and time warner just came today to get my internet hooked up. loving the fact that i am up in my loft laying in my bed and updating my blog. yess!!!

some of you know the story, but for those who don't...go potty and get a fresh cup of whatever you drink before you start reading, because you're in it for the long haul!

MONDAY:

it's been such a crazy week, i really don't remember all that much from Monday. mostly, we just puttered around the (mostly empty) house, mom reading and me running various errands all over town. had to go up to the hospital to get my TB test and inprocessing paperwork. Occupational (employee) health then sent me upstairs to have titers (levels) drawn to make sure i have chicken pox and Hepatitis B immunity, among other things. then off to a clinic to pee in a cup and prove to "them" that i do not have an affinity for fentanyl, versed, morphine, or any other drug i might come into contact with in the hospital (and some that i would only come across under the I-35 bridge). i think there was probably a trip to wal-mart in there, somewhere. heaven knows i've been like 20 times in the last four days. got a confirmation call from the freaker idiots at express...*SOAPBOX ALERT* DO NOT EVER EVER EVER USE ANY MOVING COMPANY THAT IS IN ANY WAY AFFILIATED WITH EXPRESS RELOCATION...EVER!!!! *soapbox over* ...that my stuff would indeed be delivered Tuesday morning, probably around 9ish am. fantastic...and about freakin' time!! i crawled into bed feeling reassured that i would soon have my life back.

TUESDAY:

0700: alarm clock goes off. hit snooze.
0709: alarm clock goes off. hit snooze.
0718: alarm clock goes off. hit snooze.
0727: alarm clock goes off. turn off alarm. roll out of bed, tug jeans on. deodorant and perfume. grab keys and head off to Shipley Donuts *heaven!!!!*
0800: place order at Shipley's. proceed to dump out purse before realizing that debit card is at apartment. blast.
0819: retrieve debit card from home.
0834: retrieve donuts.
0848: pick up OJ and milk. call Nationwide to tell them that movers were supposed to be here between 8 and 9 and i still haven't heard from them.
0910: dispatch at Express calls. "we're really sorry, we're just getting your truck loaded and we're gonna have to weigh it. we should be in SA about noon." fantastic. see you guys then.
0935: after enjoying the bliss that is Shipley's, crawl back between covers on air mattress and proceed to weave in and out of dreamland for the next couple of hours.
11:50: check phone clock, realize that i should probably get off my hump and help mom start moving what little stuff is out, out of the way.
12:10: stuff out of the way. still haven't heard from movers.
12:30: called dispatch directly. um...i still haven't heard from the driver. when are you guys gonna be here? "oh, we're really sorry. we had a lot of trucks to load and unload today. they just left about an hour ago. tehy'll be there about 3:30, 4:00." grr! fine, i guess i can wait another couple of hours.
4:20: movers FINALLY SHOW UP!!! Hallelujah!!!

...or not. The furniture was in the back, so it got unloaded first. They brought in my office furniture, etc., and then started unloading my bedroom suite...the relatively expensive one that I bought when I graduated from nursing school. they got the headboard and footboard upstairs, and then scuffed up the ceiling dragging the mattresses up and not watching the height of the ceiling vs. height of mattress. (there's plenty of room). the list goes ON and ON...i'll save you the narration and just get right to the dirty, sucky details. they had a hard time getting my couch to fit through the front door. during their several attempts, the blankets the couch was wrapped in slipped off. they tossed them aside and proceeded to drag my leather couch across cement in their effort to get it inside. a big decorative mirror was broken (fortunately, it was from wal-mart and so not expensive, but still, it's the principle of the matter). multiple boxes were waterstained. most of the boxes looked like they'd been through three or four moves. mind you, pretty much all of my boxes came from the hospital or the surgical center that i worked at (thank you thank you my trisha friend) and so were in very good condition when i got them. they were all taped up very well. when i got them, they looked like they had been thrown around several times. i know that they were offloaded and reloaded at least once, because the truck they left Lubbock in and the truck they showed up to san antonio in were different. my two end tables were taken apart and thrown into a box and are not fixable. my washer and dryer are scratched. every box that i labeled "this side up"...well, that side was most definitely not up. grenadine syrup leaked all over one box, cough syrup all over another. the middle reinforcement leg under my bedroom dresser had small pieces of wood broken off at the supports so that it's integrity was compromised. they left a HUGE pile of tape and trash at the end of my walkway where they offloaded everything. they left water bottles all over the parking lot and even stuck in the bushes. then, they forgot to give me a reciept. after a day and a half of sorting through boxes, i realized that my BRAND NEW vacuum was missing. when i got ahold of the company on thursday to ask them about the forgotten reciept, i happened to ask about the vacuum. the OWNER OF THE COMPANY (i know he's the owner because i asked) told me, "oh yeah, it's here. we're gonna bring it back next tuesday when we're back in town with another shipment." HELLO!?!?!!?!! how's that for customer service? were they just going to show up here with my vacuum if i hadn't called and hope i was home? (the moving truck was nowhere near full, btw). they never called to say, "hey, by the way, you may have noticed that your vacuum is not there. we're sorry, we accidentally forgot to put it on the truck. we're back in town tuesday, so we'll drop it off then." HOW HARD CAN THAT BE???? so it has definitely been a series of most unfortunate events. note to all of yourselves...

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER USE EXPRESS RELOCATION, INC. (BASED IN HOUSTON) FOR ANY MOVE YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERING. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

As my friend beth said..."U and Haul could have done this one way quicker and with much less heartache...and with friends who would have been much more careful with your stuff!" yes, sister...you ARE correct.

Tuesday night and wednesday night were spent unpacking boxes like a maniac, just trying to get the boxes out of my house and make room. See, all of the boxes were stacked four high and three deep against my stair wall, which also happened to be the wall that my TV would be on. i had to get the boxes out of the way because Time Warner came and set up my internet and cable thursday (which is why you're finally getting this ridiculous-long post). Bubba got here last night, and we got up this morning and started hanging pictures and trying to get rid of clutter. We're getting there, very slowly.

tomorrow, we'll put mom on a plane back to Amarillo and then it'll just be me and mark. We'll probably spend the rest of the weekend unpacking and arranging. Bubba will have to go back Sunday night and then it will finally just be me. don't get me wrong, i have absolutely been so grateful for their help and would probably be sitting on the floor cross-legged and rocking back and forth if not for them. but until i am here by myself, i don't think it will be real. say some prayers, huh? that's gonna be interesting.

orientation is monday and tuesday...get excited! back to the grindstone. side note...met my right side neighbor today. older man. bubba was taking bridget out and saw him sitting on his porch, so he introduced himself. old man comes over to meet me (who hasn't showered in two days and is wearing pajama pants and a hoodie so as to put off the wearing of certain other garments), and waltzes right into my house and plops down in a chair at my kitchen table!!! he told me that he does free computer repairs and that he's a coffee fiend, so any time i need a cappuccino, just knock on his door and he'll fix me up. he kind of creeped me out a little.

ok, gotta take myself to bed so i'll be willing to wake up at a decent hour. much love to all!

day 3...we have a DATE!!!

2009-05-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

YAYA!!!! FINALLY got ahold of dispatch this morning. My stuff is in a warehouse and it is all in a truck now. Still don't know how much I'm going to owe them (they've still gotta weigh the truck since it had someone else's stuff on it before), but it's gonna be here TUESDAY MORNING!!! Right this second, that's about 36 hours away. i can do that.

otherwise, things are good. i got a craving for lobster bites from Long John Silver's. no problem right? so i type it in to my GPS. get to the location, and it's not LJS anymore. bummer. so i go south to hit the loop and head to Michelle's. problem. the entrance ramp was out, so i had to follow the access road and then get back on. type LJS into my GPS for a second time to get the closest location to michelle's. get to it, and guess what...it's not a LJS anymore, either. !! so i head for the third closest location on my GPS, praying that it's actually a LJS. SCORE! third time's the charm, i guess. and yes...they were worth it. now I'm at Michelle's washing the towels we got today at walmart to get us through until the moving truck gets here with the rest of my stuff. we got a queen-size air mattress so mom and i would not have to continue to stay in a hotel (since i have my linens with me) and we got two camp chairs for the living room. we put an empty ice chest between the two chairs for drinks and then turned a laundry basket upside down to function as an ottoman/footrest. pics to follow... ah, this will make for memories later.

my health screening is tomorrow at 11 AM...get to be poked and stuck and injected and God knows what else...hope i can find the place with relative ease.

well, off to the hospital with Michelle to go see the babies and take a present for them...this will serve the dual function of me actually getting to DRIVE to the hospital and get a feel for where to go.

much love!!

day 2 (written in the wee hours of day 3)

2009-05-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

ah, the lengths we will go to in order to stay connected with the rest of the world...i am sure definitely sitting in my little kia in the parking lot of a hotel that i am NOT staying in so that i can filch their wifi long enough to update my blog. the internet at my house is not set up yet (hard to do since my network computer is sitting on a truck that only God knows where it is...more in a minute) and the hotel we are staying in does not have wireless, free or otherwise. i was going to go to michelle's and pirate off of theirs, but then she called me and said that this drunk lady hit her car and then drove off! (she's fine, car's perfectly driveable) and so she has to stay near the hospital, where the accident happened (she had just gotten done seeing the twins she delivered four weeks ago-surrogate pregnancy). thus my current situation. yes, go ahead, laugh...only me!

so...the hot topic of the moment...where's my stuff? answer...i dunno. I called the moving company friday around noon, and they said they didn't have the stuff yet...probably later on that day. (The company i originally contacted, Nationwide, only coordinates the move...they get all the pertinent info, etc., and then call a company that they contract with and pass that info on...Express Relocation, in this case...and Express is the company who gets the truck and the actual movers). So Nationwide is sort of a go-between for me and Express. So I call Nationwide back around 3 on Friday, and they say we're really sorry, still don't have any info, but we'll have customer service give you a holler this evening and update you. Bout 7 Friday night, I'm at dinner, having some fabulous cheese rolls and sushi, and I realize that I haven't gotten a call back yet. Bah. So I try both companies...both are closed for the day. Bah again. So we (me, mom, bubba) got a hotel (Bubba got here around 5) and decided to just chill for the night.

This morning (Saturday morning), I got up and called Nationwide, thinking that surely they would have some info by now. They tried to call Express, and didn't get an answer. They left a message and then got back on the phone with me, apologized, said they are usually really good about quickly returning phone calls, but would I like their number so that I could call them? absolutely. i'd love it. so i call the number (which I already had from the drama when I still hadn't heard from anyone about when my movers were gonna show up the day before they were supposed to be there), and i get the answering machine. wanna know why? because Express is CLOSED ON SATURDAY!!! what the heck?!?! they're open friday and SUNDAY, but closed saturday. great. so i leave them a not-so-patient message (no, Kristie, I didn't cuss at them...but i wanted to! guess i'll put my quarters in the mail...). then i get online to see if i can find any other numbers for this company. i find one, it ends up being a call center, they give me a different number than the one i have, but it just rings off the hook. bah. so then i decide, "well, i've still got the moving truck driver's phone number; i'll call him. y'all, I just counted...i called him NINE TIMES on my phone and left messages. he has yet to return my call. at around 2:15 this afternoon, Nationwide called me and said we're really sorry, we've tried calling them, and we think they're closed today...we recommend that you be on the phone with them first thing Monday morning. No worries...I'll be on the phone with them here in about eight hours when they open at 9:00 AM Sunday morning. i wouldn't be so antsy, but remember how the people whose stuff was supposed to be UNloaded before mine was LOADED stood the driver up? well, that means that not quite all my stuff fit INSIDE the truck, so it rode strapped to the ramp on the back of the truck...on the OUTSIDE... for nine hours to houston and has possibly (although i dearly HOPE they have more sense than this) been sitting out in the elements for the last 48 hours? yeah. we're talking my bedroom suite, my office desk, my kitchen table, my queen size mattress and box springs...it is only by the grace of God that I am not crawling out of my skin with anger and fear. thank you to my sweet friends who i know have been praying for my sanity and my stuff's safety...you bless me!

anyway, back to today. bubba and i left mom at the hotel (she was real tired and just wanted to read her book) and finally went to my apartment and unloaded what has been in my truck. again, by the grace of God, I have clean sheets, my comforter, my t-shirt quilt mom made me, shower curtain, cleaning stuff...basic necessities if, God forbid, my stuff doesn't get here for another several days. so we unloaded and put all of that away and then went to wal-mart for a bathroom *PAUSE*

i've had my ipod on listening to it as i type, and I've just kind of been halfway. it was almost as if God just tuned me in to the beginning of the song that just began to play...

"what a friend we have in Jesus
all our sins and griefs to bear
what a privilege to carry
EVERYTHING to God in prayer

oh what peace we often forfeit
oh what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
EVERYTHING to God in prayer

HAVE WE TRIALS and temptations?
IS THERE TROUBLE ANYWHERE?
WE SHOULD NEVER BE DISCOURAGED...
take it to the Lord in prayer!

can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness
take it to the Lord in prayer

Jesus knows my every weakness...
take it to the Lord in prayer!"

thank you, Jesus...i needed that. in the midst of my craziness and confusion, continually remind me to stop and be still...

anyway, bubba and i went to walmart for a small cabinet to put in my bathroom (a little extra storage space) and some other randomness that i needed. we spent several hours at my new place between unloading the truck, walmart, and then back to the house to set up our purchases (along with the bathroom cabinet, we got two camp chairs for the living room and a queen-size air mattress in case my stuff really DOES take several more days and a corner storage rack for my shower that i'm gonna have to return...it doesn't fit...i hate rturning stuff to walmart; can i get an amen?). then we went and picked mom up for dinner...Pappasito's, mmm. Got the seafood enchiladas. it was ok, but the sauce was a little sweet and the scallops were a little overpowering. Took mom to the apartment for the first time after dinner, and then we stopped by the cheesecake factory on the way back to the hotel...YES, LORD! I got a slice of blueberry white chocolate cheesecake...mmm. just mmmm. then me, mom, and mark sat on one of the hotel beds and played phase 10 and i SO WON by the skin of my teeth! it was such fun...we laughed and laughed.

ok, friends, this is way too long...i gotta get to bed so that i'll be halfway willing to emerge from my covers in the morning to call Express back. pray that Satan doesn't temporarily inhabit my body and take control of my attitude. and pray that maybe i'll finally get SOME kind of information about the whereabouts of my stuff and when i'll get it...

love you all...i'm holding on to 1 thessalonians 5:24--"the One who calls you is faithful, and He will do it." whatever the IT is in your life right now...remember, you're never out of His hand. He's hanging on to you and He's got a plan. the t-shirt is true...LIFE IS GOOD!

~amy :)

day 1

2009-05-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

well, we finally got to San Antonio early this morning...i crossed the San Antonio city limit sign at 1:52 AM. got to Michelle's at about 2:15, was in bed by 3. woke up this morning at 11...good sleep. I called the moving company earlier this morning, but they didn't have the weight estimate and delivery time for me just yet. i'm betting the driver didn't get to bed until well after i did (they had to go back to houston, remember), so he'll probably fax the paperwork to the moving company after he wakes up. As it's already almost 2:00 PM and it takes 3-5 hours to get from Houston to here with a moving truck, my money's on them not getting here and unloading until tomorrow. that's ok. i can get into my new place, put a roll of tp on the roll, and get oriented. go to walmart...all that good stuff. actually, i guess i'll be going to HEB...the grocery stores down here. gotta check that business out.

so for those who are wondering...yes, it finally hit me. In a bathroom stall in a truck stop in Junction, TX. of all places...whatever. everything i have known for months in my head finally got across to my heart. now, before you go saying "we told you so"...yes, you did. but you didn't have to. i knew it was coming; i just didn't know when. i won't lie...my heart was a little overwhelmed that all of the incredible people i know and love are now at least six hours away. that i have to make new friends...that after so much time, it's finally here and this is really happening and not somethiing abstract any more. that i really am starting a new job...bottom of the totem pole...don't know anyone...don't know anything...that i may have to humble myself and be okay with asking for help and give up my independent streak for a little while.

but then i'm reminded...the God of the universe...the one who is head over heels in love with me...the one who sacrificed everything...EVERYTHING so that I could be His...He is here. i saw a quote recently that speaks such hope and peace into my heart...

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." -unknown

So pray with me...pray that my heart is open to new experiences and new people. that on the days and nights that i am hurting and lonely that i remember that my Redeemer lives...that He holds me in the palm of His hand...that i am HIS and he knows what is going on...that His head is not in His hands when things go awry. Pray that i trust Him for my strength and that I will lean wholeheartedly into His most Everlasting Arms.

Off to the new place for the first time here in a bit...will let you know how it goes!

moving day

2009-05-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

i am sitting on the floor in my house to blog this. as i type, the movers are covering my furniture with blankets and very quickly and efficiently packing my life into a fraction of the square footage that i've had it spread out in. i'm just grateful to not have to be doing it. they're packing everything into the moving van (in front of someone else's stuff...it was supposed to be dropped off before they came here, but the people who own it had somewhere more important to be today. they stood the movers up after a nine hour drive. i don't know about y'all, but i can't think of many things more important than being at a predetermined place when my stuff shows up. whatever.

after the movers finish packing my stuff in the truck, they are driving straight back to Houston to drop off one of the movers and to get some sleep. then, tomorrow, they will drive from houston to san antonio and bring me my stuff. we hope. the guy in charge said they have to give me a time range just in case something disastrous happens (please Jesus, put your hand on this truck, and that's for reals there), but they should have my stuff to me tomorrow. again, all sorts of prayer would be greatly appreciated!

at this point, i'm just glad they're here...i called the company yesterday because they had told me i'd hear from the movers a few days in advance to set up a time for them to be at my house. after much confusion and wrong information, i was told they'd be here between noon and two o'clock today, because they were coming from houston. lovely. so i got myself all in a bother instead of trusting God that if his hand has been in this from the beginning, it will be in the moving part, too. so they're here and all is good and i can't believe that this is my last day in a town that i've spent almost the last seven years living in.

so at this point, the plan for me and mom is that we will drive to San Antonio tonight and stay with my friend Michelle and then go to my new place tomorrow and start getting stuff in the fridge, figuring out where everything is going to go, etc. then hopefully the movers will be there tomorrow afternoon. God, give me patience...i am having a really hard time letting go and trusting someone else with my stuff. maybe i should downsize? :)

so that's all for the moment...more updates later. maybe even tonight when we get to san antonio!! hopefully it'll only take the movers another hour or so and we'll be on the road in another hour and a half. hopefully...

much love to all my lubbockites! i love you and i'm gonna miss you heaps!!! to all my future...what do you call people who live in san antonio?...well, to all my future whatever-you-call-yous...i can't wait to get to know you!

T minus 10 days...

2009-05-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

...until my life is completely changed. this chapter is almost finished and, in fact, God has already begun writing the next one. Pray for me, friends...for courage, to be outgoing and friendly...and that I will lean into the MOST everlasting Arms on the days surely to come when I will be afraid, sad, missing my friends and family, missing my unit...missing everything familiar. A lot of people haven't heard the whole story, beginning to end, so I thought I would repost an email I sent to a friend who was wondering how it all came about. Maybe it's not right to say it was "God's will" that I move to San Antonio, but as you read, I hope you can sense (as I have on many occasions) that God's hand has definitely been in this from before the beginning and believe along with me that I am pretty sure I have His blessing.

the San Antonio story

I started thinking about my next steps in my career about a year ago...I was at Lubbock Christian working on my bachelor's degree in nursing. most of my college friends were married and/or had moved away from Lubbock, and I chose to continue renting when I graduated from nursing school, not knowing what the next few years held. Around May 2008, I started tossing around the idea of moving to a bigger city. Dallas was out; it's TOO big. Houston? Too big, too close to hurricanes. I didn't want to be on the verge of evacuation for six months out of the year. San Antonio? hmm. Warm...hills...trees...gorgeous...So I toyed with the idea and did a little research.

I knew that if I moved, I wanted to work in a Christus Health System affiliated hospital. They are a system that I've heard great things about and seen great things from. They took incredible care of my Grandaddy before he died. Also, as part of a rural health trip to New Mexico for a class I took toward my bachelor's degree, we spoke to the CEO of a hospital that had recently merged with the Christus system. He went on and on about how wonderful they had been to him and to his staff and employees and how smoothly the merge had gone (you have to know...hospital mergers are usually about as peaceable as a meeting between God and Satan!). So I got online last spring and figured out that San Antonio was, indeed, home to a Christus hospital...Christus Santa Rosa, located downtown. I put the idea to the back of my head, because I had a VERY busy summer ahead of me.

Toward the end of the summer, a flyer for a pediatric conference appeared in the nurses' lounge at work. I picked it up and saw that one of the sessions was about brain cooling for a condition called HIE (hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy)...basically, it happens when, in an otherwise healthy, close to full-term pregnancy, something happens that suddenly deprives the baby of oxygen...the placenta breaks away from the uterine wall, the uterus ruptures, the umbilical cord slips down into the vaginal canal and the pressure from the baby's head prevents the flow of oxygen, etc. Anyway, lots of research has been done in the last several years and experts are finding that if we cool these babies down to 92 degrees fahrenheit for 72 hours, it seems to help prevent the death of so many brain cells from lack of oxygen and thus these kids have less (or less severe) long term complications (cerebral palsy, etc.). the hospital I am currently at has not implemented that procedure yet, but I had heard about it and was really curious about the ins and outs of it and how well it's working. Well...after I get all pumped up about going to this conference because of that, I flip over the flyer to find out where the conference is. Yup, you guessed it. San Antonio. And guess who the sponsoring hospital was for the conference? Right again. Christus Santa Rosa. Well, I have always prayed that God make things really obvious for me, because I'm not real smart...

So I booked the hotel and the flight. The brain cooling for HIE session was first. The doctor who led the discussion was a physician who works in the Christus NICU (along with several other area NICUs). At one point, he asked one of the girls I had been talking to beforehand a question about a policy, and I decided to see if I could sit with her at lunch, since she obviously worked in a hospital with this procedure in place. So when the session was over, I followed her back to her table. Shocker...she's one of the two nurse educators for the Santa Rosa NICU. I had followed her back to a table full of NICU nurses who worked in the unit I wanted to be in.

I sat next to a girl named Michelle...little chick with hair dyed so platinum it looked steel-gray, who has been a nurse for close to 10 years. She blew me away...everyone talks about their baby days in nursing when they were so excited about everything, and how it gradually dies off for everyone. Not so for my girl Michelle. Here she was almost 10 years in and still gets excited about procedures, transports...and LEARNING! The girl wants to know everything, just like me. She talked about how there's several nurses in the unit she works in that still love their jobs even after many years of nursing...who still want to learn...who don't show up just for a paycheck. So I was totally in heaven for the rest of lunch. The two of us talked nonstop about the difference in practices in our two units, etc. It was so great! I told Michelle that we were supposed to get a tour of her hospital, including the NICU, that night. She told me to get a good look around and tell her what I thought that day.

A shuttle took us up to the hospital later for our tour. We were split into groups, and then I found out that the chick who was supposed to tour the group that I was in had never even BEEN to the NICU...she was a pediatrics nurse who had never had reason to step foot in there. Dammit! So she told us we would walk through and the nurse manager had agreed to tell us a little about the place. Well, we walked through and it was a really neat place, but the nurse manager didn't go into a lot of detail or tell me anything Michelle hadn't already. Oh well.

So the next morning, Michelle asks how it went, and when I tell her, she's like, "bummer!". We talked some more during the opening session and then went our separate ways before lunch. During lunch, I sat with her group again, and we talked some more. Then she asked if I was catching a plane back to Lubbock right after the conference was over. I told her no; I was going to spend a few days with a friend who would be picking me up when the conference was over. "Well," she says, "I have to leave a little early because my daughter has a choir concert, but it will be done by the time the conference is over. What if I swung back by here and picked you up and took you up to my unit, and I can give you a better tour than you got last night?" I was floored. She barely knew me and here she's offering to take me up there like we're best friends or something (might I add she had started hinting the first day of conference that I should come down and work with her!). I told her I'd love to. So she picks me up and gives me like a 45 minute tour! Then she takes me back to the hotel and tells me to keep in touch.

When I got back to Lubbock, I started to do some serious praying and soul-searching. Was this what God had for me next? A million what-ifs where whirling through my head (they still are, actually)...what about making new friends? finding a church? not knowing ANYONE? how will my body handle flipping back to nights (because I don't mind working nights, but it's a whole lot easier to schedule stuff when you're working days)? I love the unit I've worked in for the last two and a half years...I started there while I was still in nursing school. The people there have raised me up in this profession so far, and it's going to be really hard for me to "cut the apron strings" with my "mamas", so to speak. I have so many great memories from there, and have built some great friendships.

At the same time...this new thing is an incredible opportunity, and I think I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't jump into the unknown with only the Father to cling to. There's a Mark Schultz song that speaks my heart perfectly. It's called "When the Mountains Fall"...it's talking more about how when your life is falling down around you, you have to have the courage to jump and trust that the Father will take care of you, but i think it's appropriate in this situation too... "...you step out in faith/it's all that you know/you jump into darkness/and hold onto hope//when the mountains fall/when the rivers rise/security crumbles before your eyes/one thing you know/in faith you'll find/something to stand on/or you will be taught to fly.."

'Round the middle of February, I decided it would be smart to get moving on this thing. I did a little more research on the town, and I had been talking since November to Michelle, learning more about the unit I might be going to...etc. I figured it would be good to go down and meet the nurse manager, introduce myself and all, and maybe get one more tour of the unit. Then I decided that was crazy...if I'm gonna be driving 400 miles, I might as well go ahead and interview! I started the online application and then, on Monday, March 2, I called up the unit to see if I could meet the nurse manager and set up an interview time. The manager told me I actually needed to talk to the director, but that she was in meetings all week. However, the manager didn't think the meetings would last all day, so she promised to give her my name and number and told me to go ahead and finish the application so that HR would have a few days to get it rolled over to Catherine (the director) so that she'd be able to review it. No problem.

So I call up Michelle and tell her the plan (since I was going to be staying with her) and she offered to toss out my name and some props to Catherine. Sweet, I say. So Michelle calls me up a day or two later and tells me that I have an interview on Friday at 1:00. I started reviewing interview questions like mad in anticipation. I wasn't sure if the interview would be just with Catherine or if it would be a peer interview, but I wanted to be ready to answer whatever. I had also been praying that, when I did have an interview, I would be able to convey my excitement and my desire to learn and just be able to show this lady that I would be a valuable asset to her team because of my willingness and excitement and desire to learn (and my all around fabulousness...just kidding! :) ). See, since I'm only two years in, I'm just barely considered competent and am probably still considered a "baby" nurse...just getting my feet wet. So it's harder to convince people to pick me, since I don't have so much experience.

So I walk into this interview and it's just Catherine and a student nurse who is following her as part of an internship. Little intimidated, but I've got a smile on my face. So she starts out by introducing herself and then says, "I'm really sorry, but your application still hasn't rolled over to me from HR, so I know NOTHING about you...could you kind of tell me about yourself?" !!!! Total answer to prayers...without having seen my application, she didn't even know how long I'd been a nurse...what kind of experience I did or did not have...she was a blank slate! Thank you Jesus! So i got to tell her about me, about what I've done, what I want to do, what my future plans are...totally let my personality shine through. THe interview only lasted 10 or 15 minutes, very informal...once I was done telling her about me, she told me some about the unit, walked me around and gave me a tour, and then...

"Well, just so you know, I can't make you an offer, but how about if we call HR and see if any of them are still there, since it's Friday after lunch? Would you have time to talk to one of them?"

!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!! DO I HAVE TIME? Um...YES! So we called HR and there were, indeed, some people there, so Michelle walked me down and then told me she'd meet me in her van when I was done. HR made me an incredible offer, went over benefits, told me about the sign-on and relocation packages (I thought I'd have to ask for relocation, but she said it before I could say anything) so I'm gonna guess that, since God has flung open the doors at every juncture...this is probably my next step, and with His blessing!

Things have been going in a whirlwind since then...my boss was really good about it, and there have been some people that have said some discouraging things, but you'll get that anywhere and really, I think it was more that they're sad to see me go and just concerned for me like a mama is for her kid. I've got movers and I've got a date...May 28th. There's still a lot that I don't know and I'm definitely taking a step of faith, but I'm interested to see what happens over the next year or so. I wonder what God has for me there.

a week in my life...

2009-02-27T19:36:00.001-08:00

do you know what a beautiful thing it is to watch a mother as she meets her child for the first time? i do. Caleb was born at 28 weeks...12 weeks too early. a tiny, fragile, wrinkly thing...so little that for the first few days of his life, his mother could only look at him and lay her hand on his back, trying desperately to transmit what little strength she had to him. but on the third day...ah. Caleb's mom came down to see him in the morning, still very groggy from the drugs she had received to keep her alive and keep Caleb safe. Caleb was doing very well...we had just taken out his breathing tube and he was requiring only a little extra oxygen; no small feat for one weighing in at barely over two pounds. I told his mom that if he was still doing well and she was feeling better that afternoon, she could hold him. Her eyes shone. She stayed a few minutes longer, and then went back to her room.

She was back several hours later. It was near the end of the shift, I was getting ready for a new admission, and I had a patient due to eat in 30 minutes. But I had promised, and Caleb had done well, and mama had come down all by herself, looking like a new person. Another nurse took over preparing my admission bed, and I went to Caleb's room and shut the door so his mother could hold him kangaroo-style...bare skin to bare skin. I turned on an oxygen mask and put it in place near where Caleb would lay. I procured a few pillows and tucked them under his mama's arms so they wouldn't get tired and then helped her out of her t-shirt and covered her with a hospital gown. Mama ready, I turned to Caleb. I arranged all of his various lines and then gathered his little self in my hands. I directed mom to open her gown so I could place him on her chest, his head resting in the hollow of her neck. I repositioned her gown and made sure she was comfortable and that Caleb was secure. I asked her if she needed anything, and she whispered, voice breaking, "No, we're just fine." I turned to see her hand on his head, his vital signs better than they had been all day...and one single tear tracking down her check. She cried as she traced his tiny body with her hands, stroked the dark fuzz of downy hair on his head, felt the silky smoothness of his baby skin on hers. A match made in heaven...pure, unadultered love straight from the Father of Life. Beautiful.

have you ever heard the anguished cry of a mother as she searches for the strength and courage to let her miracle go Home? i have. Kate was born at 24 weeks. her parents already had two children, but were overjoyed with their "surprise." When she was nine days old, we took her to a special room in our unit for surgery. her x-rays showed some disturbing images that needed to be investigated. at one point, the doctor reached in to gently move Kate's liver out of the way, and it ruptured. after an hour and a half of everything medicine can offer to such a tiny life, Kate was stabilized enough to allow her grief-stricken parents at her bedside to hold her. i took the pictures...pictures of their hands joined over her little body...pictures of impossibly small feet and hands with her mommy and daddy's wedding rings around them...pictures of her bright, wide open eyes, looking far older and wiser than any baby's should...and then we left the family to themselves, allowing them time to love her. After an hour or so in the arms of her parents, the Father of Life came to take Kate Home to live forever.

have you ever seen the face of a woman whose womb is barren...whose arms have been empty for eight long, long years...who has lost two lives before they ever took a breath...have you ever seen the face of that woman when five pounds and fourteen ounces of beautiful baby girl are placed in her arms for the first time? have you seen the stars in her eyes when you call her "Mommy"? Grace's birth mother was in no way able to take care of her child, so she contacted a couple who had tried for eight years to have children and offered them practically the most selfless gift anyone can give. i watched them as they held her for hours on end, staring at her dark eyelashes...their eyes brimming with tears at the gift of Life...beautiful.

Jesus Loves Me

2009-01-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

hello friends...long time no see. life is good...can't believe i'm done with school. i feel like i'm still in limbo...my body and my brain haven't figured out all this free time yet. the other day, i laid in bed from 1:30 AM until 6:30 PM. it was F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. to be able to do that just because. the unit's census has been low, so we've all had lots of off time (more than we've wanted, really...especially with the holidays here). yesterday, though, we finally picked up...got four admissions during one 12 hour shift (i'm posting this about a week and a half after i started typing it...).

i was supposed to be off on thursday (the 15th), so i didn't bother to see if my ringer was on or off on wednesday night when i went to bed.

the next morning i got up around 6:20 am to let the dogs out and feed them. happened to look at my phone and what do you know but i have two missed calls from work and one from my manager. called my manager back and hear that there's a set of twins about 45 miles from here...25 weeks. we're taking two teams. if you hurry, you can go.

i flew into my clothes, out the door, jumped in the car, and made it to the hospital in record time. got a dr pepper out of the machine on the way down the hall with the transporter. the helicopter team had already left, so we (me and the other two nurses i was with) were going in the ambulance. i tell you what...laugh all you want, but it still makes my day to be hauling it down the hall pushing the huge, bulky transporter, med box and bag with every supply i could possibly need in tow.

when we get to the ambulance (HOLY CRAP it's cold outside!), we jump into the captain seats in the back and kick it into high gear. we'll be going "code 3" all the way to the referring hospital...that means sirens screaming, lights flashing, hauling as much butt as we can in town and going 90 on the highway...because these twins are not born yet and they're holding the c-section off until our teams get there. our team leader (the RN leading our group) starts going over what we need. the isolette is already turned on and warming up in preparation for the tiny life it will soon carry. monitoring equipment (EKG leads, etc.) is already in there. we grab IV stuff and rip tape to hold it. we grab a bag of fluid and draw a syringe full of sugar water to keep the baby hydrated and its blood sugar stable until we get back to NICU. several warm packs are in the transporter...we'll break and activate them and place them under the baby when we get going, to keep him warm. breathing stuff...i set to work hooking up the ventilator tubing on the transporter while my partner tears still more tape to hold the breathing tube (less than the diameter of a drinking straw) in place on baby's face. we fill out as much paperwork as possible ahead of time. 35 minutes after leaving, we arrive at the ER. bags in tow, we weave our way through the hallways to the nursery, only to be pointed to the OR, one floor below. we roll into the OR suite and don masks, hats, and shoe covers. i take my station next to a nurse who has had a license for two months less than i have been ALIVE and start checking equipment. we've got suction, warm blankets, adhesive, tape, CO2 detector (to see if the breathing tube is in the lungs versus the stomach-it changes color if it's in the lungs), ET tube (breathing tube), laryngoscope blade (which will be used to hold the baby's mouth open and act as a guide so the breathing tube can be slid into the baby's lungs, and which i quickly flip open to make sure the bulb is good...it is, so i snap the blade down so the bulb doesn't get hot and burn the baby's tongue). a few more minutes, and we hear a nurse call, "0745! baby boy!"

the tiny bundle of life is gently laid under the radiant warmer, a team of four people waiting expressly for him. he is gently dried off and then repositioned. the laryngoscope blade slides into his mouth and down his throat. the breathing tube is inserted and someone verifies with the CO2 detector that the tube is indeed in the lungs. it is secured and then the little one is draped with sterile drapes and IVs are placed in a vein and an artery in his umbilical cord, allowing us to monitor blood pressure, draw blood, and give antibiotics and fluids.

in the meantime, the OR team is having some difficulty getting baby "B" out of mama. finally..."0749! baby boy!" he is bruised from being manipulated out of his mother's womb. after a few tries, he is intubated and lines are placed. the nurse practitioner on our team takes over "bagging" (breathing for) baby B, and i help get baby A ready for transport. then we encounter a problem. no matter how many ways we try, we can't get the ventilator on the transporter to work. that means that we will continue bagging baby A...all the way back to the hospital...approximately a forty minute drive. we load the impossibly tiny bundle into the transporter and head out. i start the paperwork on the way back, and it's a relatively uneventful drive (minus the screaming sirens and the fact that we are flying down the highway at 90 miles per hour). we get back, get unloaded, and are just pulling into the unit when the nurse who is breathing for the baby says that her bag is losing pressure. that means no more air...which means baby is not getting oxygen...we pump it up and run the rest of the way through the unit until we arrive at the room where the baby will be for the next several months. after quickly untangling IV lines and other supportive equipment, we reattach the baby to a special ventilator that will not only breathe in (push the oxygen in) for him, it will take the oxygen back out (breathe out). it does this at the incredible rate of 600 breaths per minute...very fast, very quick puffs of air that work to improve gas exchange in the lungs and have the added benefit of never allowing the air sacs in the lungs to completely close, which additionally enhances gas exchange.

i was there for another 45 minutes helping the nurse who admitted baby A to get him settled and finish my paperwork. it amazes me more and more each day at how much i'm learning...and how much i'm trutsed with. as we were settling baby A into his new environment, another call came in...this time from a town about two hours away. they had a baby that was now 3 weeks old and 29 weeks adjusted age. since i couldn't go on the transport (i'm not quite experienced enough to go just me and another nurse), my boss offered to let me admit the baby.

suffice it to say, this precious little one ended up not having the problem we suspected, which is good. he's going back to where he came from later this week (this is getting posted a little late...started it on the 16th...). i'm glad he'll be closer to his family, but they are such sweethearts and i'll miss them. the parents only speak spanish, so his 15-year-old sister translates for them. never have i seen such a sweet young lady...i've never heard her complain about having to spend her weekends with her mom and sick brother as opposed to hanging out with friends, and she loves this little boy as though he were her own. she gets just as excited about positive updates as her parents do and is such a breath of fresh air...

did i mention that i love my job? in case you hadn't picked up on that...well, i do. :) now, on a lighter note...

1. Put your iTunes/Mp3 Player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing this.(no pressure i just thought it was funny.)

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? These Are the Days (Sugarland)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Fly (Sara Groves)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Love is Neverending (Brad Paisley)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? No Eye Had Seen (Joy to the World PraiseBaby CD)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? She Said Yes

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? For My Love (Bethany Dillon)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? I Have Nights Like This (Clay Walker)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? 5 Minutes of Fame (BarlowGirl) hahaha!

WHAT IS 2+2? I Am the Way (Mark Schultz)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Journey to the Well (Jeff Berry)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Joey (Sugarland)...but i don't like this answer, because in that song Joey dies!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Beautiful One (By The Tree) love it...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Because You Loved Me

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Aimless (Bethany Dillon) oh...this is so apropos...so many of them have been aimless...probably why i don't like anyone in particular right now...

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Speed of Life (Sugarland)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Here I Am to Worship (Lincoln Brewster)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? So Long Self (Best Friends)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Be Thou My Vision (PraiseBaby God of Wonders) hmmm...i must think a LOT of my friends!

HOW WILL YOU DIE? Welcome to Our World (Michael W. Smith) hmm...little ironic...

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Out in the Parkin' Lot (Brad Paisley) oh dear...what did i do in the parking lot? i don't remember any parking lot... :)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Make His Praise Glorious (IABC)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? I'd Love To Be Your Last (Clay Walker)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Midnight Bottle (Colbie Caillat)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? Send Your Rain (Jeff Berry)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Jesus Doesn't Care (Point of Grace) oh man...even Jesus doesn't care for me? uh oh...

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? I Know Now (Bebo Norman) well yes Bebo...but what exactly IS IT that i know?

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Jesus Loves Me :)

grace so amazing, i can hardly understand...

2008-12-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

grace, people, is a beautiful thing...and i'm not sure if God enjoys giving it more or we enjoy receiving it more. to you, the one who showed unspeakable grace to me (you know who you are)...thank you. you bless my heart. much love, my sister.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain: Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
Just in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!(Refrain)

Yes ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.(Refrain)

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.(Refrain)

more and more, bit by bit, piece by piece...i can see God healing my own heart. he is slowly drawing me out of myself and making my past my testimony...a way to minister to other women. i got that chance this week, and it was beautiful. a friend had part of this song on her facebook, and it so perfectly speaks to my heart. to my friend who is hurting so desperately right now and is so in need of a rescue...a miracle...a blessing...may He be enough. i am praying that the arms of the One you love embrace you..."To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." (jude 24-25).

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

~Heal the Wound, Point of Grace

I DID IT!!!

2008-12-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

blood...sweat...tears...anger...joy...peace...laughter...

just a few of the adjectives that describe the year for me. like i said in my last post...i can't believe it's flown by. sitting in my seat this morning with my dad behind me, a great friend on either side of me, and three more good friends in the audience along with my mom, grandmother and brother...it was surreal.

i guess it will all hit that i'm finished with school for the time being here in a few months. i cannot imagine life without class, papers, exams, lectures...guess it's really time to start being an adult.

pinning was thursday night, and it was really pretty neat. small, intimate ceremony. my dad had told me he was going to be a little late because he had a meeting at 4:00 in Amarillo, but he would just slide into a seat in the back when he got there. no problem. i was sitting in the very front row on the opposite side of the room from the doors, so i never saw if he made it in by the time i got pinned and they read my little thing about my future plans and la-dee-dah. at the end of the ceremony, i got up and turned around to where mom, mutha (Lauren's mom) and my grandmother were. i was about to say something, and then i noticed that Pam's mouth was just hanging open. "what?" i said. "what's wrong with you?" she couldn't say anything, just pointed to a spot in front of her. i turned to look, and there was my dad...

WITH MY BROTHER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN GERMANY!!!!!!

dad and mark had been plotting this for like three months. he'd only just gotten the approval a few weeks ago. dad had a meeting all right...he had to pick bubba up at the airport! they missed the whole ceremony; they'd only just made it in time for the ending prayer because the ceremony only lasted like 45 minutes. BUT BUBBA CAME HOME!! he's here til the 28th, and they're doing Christmas early in louisiana and then coming to my house on the 24th, even though i gotta work :(. anyway. it was wicked exciting.

Friday we got up and got Krispy Kremes and kolaches from Donut Depot. Karyn came over for breakfast, and we all just sat around talking and hanging out. Did a little shopping later that day and then Stella's for dinner, which it was a miracle we got in since it was Friday night, we had no reservations, AND Tech and LCU's graduations were the next day. yum.

Saturday morning...we got up too early. i know, i know...i'm about to start day shift and i better get used to it, but bear with me...it's gonna take a while. Graduation was good, even though we had to prance up and down the stairs to practice too many times. Seriously...we've made it through to a bachelor's degree; i think we can walk around in a circle and make it to the right seat. whatev. thanks trisha and cake for coming...you guys REALLY didn't have to do that, but thanks...nice to know you love me. :)

lunch at roadhouse (cheese fries...yum!) and then the fam decided they were going to go back to amarillo early so mark could have more time with his friends...he'll be here christmas eve, and he's back in the states in feb, so that was ok with me. besides, i was exhausted and in desperate need of a nap.

so overall...good weekend. it was wicked cool to hear my name called and walk across that stage, but it just doesn't seem real yet, like Christmas break will be over and i'll be back in class. i don't think it will be a hard adjustment, though... :)

blessings,
amy :)

f'ed up cheetos

2008-12-11T02:38:00.000-08:00

PRAISE the LORD...graduation is NIGH!!! pinning is thursday, graduation on saturday morning. who is stoked? *waves hand wildly in the air* not gonna lie...it's been a ridiculous, insanity year. i can't believe how much has happened. i can't believe that i registered for classes a whole YEAR ago...time has flown. it's been hard, but God has blessed me with so many new friendships and i have learned so much.

the year started with genetics (where a friend was waiting, but i didn't know it yet) and leadership. Leadership was an experience in itself. My small group had some of the most amazing discussions I have ever been privy to. That's one reason I loved LCU so much...there is such a wide range of nursing experience. I regularly sat next to people who have been nurses for as long as I have been ALIVE. It was great to throw an issue out and hear from people from all walks of the nursing life, with every different clinical competency you can think of, who have walked through fire and hell and joy and laughter and tears and yet still emerge with a love of nursing that is quite possibly greater than it was when they started.

I met a crazy nut named Christy in that small group who is not afraid to speak her opinion and is one of the strongest women I know. She is a nurse manager in an adult ICU, and if i liked adult patients, i would work for her in a heartbeat. She is one of my nursing heroes, simply because for her, after 17 years, the most important person is still her patient. Despite all the BS and politics that have wormed their way into nursing, she holds strong to the belief that taking care of patients is more important than budgeting or meetings or justifying any one of the hundred things a day that she does. And she takes care of her staff, plain and simple.

also during the spring, i lost my grandaddy. he was diagnosed with West Nile Virus at the beginning of February, and, on March 12, 2008, God came down, picked him up, and carried him Home. i will forever be thankful that, even though bubba didn't get to come home from the army like we thought he would, i went to Louisiana for Christmas 2007. i almost volunteered to work, and I am so grateful that God kept me from that. Christmas was the last time i saw my grandaddy alive. my last memories are of him alive and well and smiling at the matching fleece LSU blankets i made for him and my grandmother. the day we buried him was perfect...the sun was shining and the barest hint of breeze was blowing. it would have been a day he would have spent outside, either in his shop working with his hands or on his beloved motorcycle, going to see one of any number of good friends. i will be forever blessed by his influence in my life.

On to the summer. Bubba came home after 14 months of absence, and it was a blast. Lots of bonding...especially at two in the morning in Eastland, Texas after mom's car broke down on the way to my grandmother's in Louisiana. That's one of the ones we'll be talking about when we're in our sixties, I'm sure.

LCU: physical assessment, professional role development, trends and issues, history/theories/therapies in nursing, complementary and alternative therapies, and a one-week rural health trip in new mexico. Christy was pretty much right there next to me in all of those classes. we did our assessments on each other and we were roommates for a week in new mexico (which would be a whole 'nother *inflammatory* entry that probably should not be posted on the internet). i wouldn't call that trip a positive experience (tolerable is pushing it), but several of us bonded together under the opposition. :)

then there was fall. romans, community health, and scientific inquiry. community health was an experience but, again, not one that i will remember fondly and i should probably not post the dirty, intimate details online. you can call me for those. :) but, as always happens, the underlings bound together under the opposition...

Trisha, i had a blast getting to know you. i'm sorry you got blasted on the phone, but hey...it makes for a great story, and in the end, we were right anyway. and i promise never to use acronyms when i'm around you...at least, NVOIICHI. (not very often if i can help it) ;). thanks for listening so many times. thanks for your prayers (because i know they were there). thanks, too, for introducing me to Cane's...can't get much better than their sauce AND pellet ice. :) i don't think you know what a blessing you are.

romans...again, fun with Christy and Marilyn. but more than anything...wow. i started this class with an attitude, annoyed at what i percieved as the instructor flaunting his "past" and using it for shock value by telling it as his testimony (which it is). i closed my head to hearing a lot of what he had to say, which i now regret. throughout the semester, he was really great to me and the other two (we were the only nurses in the class in addition to being the only nontraditional students). at the end of this semester, we figured out that the final was going to conflict with our work schedules...which anyone knows are almost impossible to change. we stayed after class, and he said, "don't worry...do you trust me?" and so we're like, ok. we ended up working out a deal with him to come in right after the last class day and take the exam. our rationale was that we don't even know any of the other people in the class, so no way are we gonna go hunting them down to tell them about the test. after some hemming and hawing, he agreed.

the day before the final, i had been discussing the previous exams with Marilyn, speculating on what questions would be on the test, whether they would be verbatim, etc. as we talked, she was baking Christmas goodies. she told me about one she'd been making forever...caramel cheetos. WHAT?? i know, i know, she said...it's the wrongest thing ever to do to a cheeto, and it sounds disgusting...but i promise, they're amazing. and i'm like, whatever. a little more talking, and we decided that it would be really nice to thank this instructor for all he'd done for us this semester by bringing him some home-baked goodies and a thank-you card. Marilyn didn't mind, because she said she'd be baking all day anyway. i told her i'd get the card and shortly after, we hung up.

wednesday after class, the three of us trooped down to his office. let me set the stage: the man is the missions director, so his office is actually a classroom with one corner walled off by bookshelves and a curtain for his desk and computer. marilyn pulled out the instructor's bag of goodies, and then surprised christy and me by giving us some, too. as she handed me the bag, i grinned and said, in traditional loud amy-fashion, "sweet! are these those f&%#@*-up cheetos?" about that time, Christy slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing, and Marilyn cracked up. i turned around (i'd had my back to the door), and there stood the instructor...my BIBLE instructor...with the biggest grin on my face i'd ever seen. my face turned bright, flaming red. FLAMING red. he put his arm around me and said, "That's all right, i hear that a lot in my church (he pastors at a downtown church that many of Lubbock's homeless community attend). This is a first, though, i've never heard it in my classroom before!" marilyn and christy were still gasping for air as we took our seats. ah, my big mouth...but how gracious of him to respond the way he did. that was nothing compared to what i was about to experience, though.

we each sat down at one of the six or seven tables grouped together on one side of the room. he passed out the exams (facedown, which i found odd). then he walked back to his office. we flipped over our exams, wrote our names, and looked down at the first question. i don't remember what it was, but i know it was easy. i scanned the four choices and found my answer...in bold. what? i looked at the next question. another fairly simple one. i scanned the answers again...and the same thing happened. the correct answer was in bold. no way, i thought. i scanned the rest of the first page. oh yeah. i looked up at Marilyn and Christy, who were also looking at each other. we shrugged, and Christy called out the instructor's name. "No talking," he responded, and then he fell silent. We looked back down at our exams and he turned on a CD...

"amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see.

'twas Grace that taught my heart to fear.
and Grace, my fears relieved.
how precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

through many dangers, toils and snares
i have already come;
'tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

the Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
i shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

when we've been here ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
we've no less days to sing God's praise
than when we've first begun.

amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see..."

amazing grace, indeed. the entire exam was done for us. every single answer was filled in, including the short-answer question. at the end of the exam, there was a letter typed out to each student who would be taking the exam. "this test has already been taken for you. God took it a long time ago. you will each receive an A on the exam." he went on to talk about grace (which he has discussed over and over the entire semester). grace is something given by the giver and never expected by the one who receives it. it is not earned or given only to the ones who paid attention or got certain grades. it is a FREE gift. as i read the letter, i was struck. this was grace. we would never have suspected this in our wildest dreams. we did nothing for it. we sure didn't do anything to deserve it. my eyes were the only dry ones in the room (because, as we all know, i am a freak with usually-defective tear ducts). at the end of the letter, he asked for suggestions to improve further classes.

again, i don't remember exactly what i wrote, but it was something along the lines of "despite the many times this semester you've pissed me off or made me laugh, you have made me think. you have made it impossible for me to stay in my little box of ideas and beliefs simply because that was how i was raised or that's what someone told me to think. you have forced me to see the way the other guy thinks and to take it into consideration. i have learned lessons in your class that will last far past getting my diploma...past my career...most probably, they will last until i am taken Home and into the courts of the King. and don't worry, i'll be still and let Christ speak for me. thank you."

the parallels between what he did and what Christ did continued even after i left the exam. all three of us were blown away. we humbly turned in our exams, thanked the instructor (who i think enjoyed the experience more than we did), and left. once out of the room, we revelled in what had just happened to us. we were shocked. floored. couldn't believe it. when we got done with our yakking, i got on the phone and started calling people. i called a friend who took the class last year. without even saying hi (she knew i'd just taken this final), i said, "does he always do that?" i could hear her grinning through the phone. "did you get grace?" um, yeah, Kim...we got grace. then i called up another friend, and another one after that, to tell them what happened. it was just so...amazing. and at the same time, my heart was breaking a little. would that my passion for Christ and my wonder at HIS amazing Grace move me to such action. i get what you were saying, beck...you got your point across.

yes...it has been a long, hard, sometimes sleepless-nights (and not because of work) year. i don't know as i want to repeat it any time soon. i am ready for a normal schedule. i'm ready to get back into the church and make some new friends. i'm ready for the next chapter in my life. but despite all the frustration, tears, and even the joys...i am so grateful i've had this year. i am so grateful for the lessons i've learned and the relationships that have been created. even...even the bad ones, although i am human and still angry and holding onto some of the hurts. romans 8 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. and despite my failings, i love Him...f'ed up cheetos and all.

blessings,
amy

the debate

2008-09-27T11:33:00.001-07:00

So...i will now attempt to be as nonpartisan as possible.

McCain: respectful of his opponent. Called him "Senator Obama" throughout the debate, whether when speaking directly to him or speaking of his policies. Offered, for the most part, what seemed to be good, solid explanations of his plans in mostly clear, simple language without a lot of rhetoric. Seems proud of the fact that he is a revolutionary and explains on several occasions what that has meant during his terms as a Congressman. He stayed true to what his plans were for his presidency throughout the debate; namely, spending freezes, tax cuts for the rich, and having a specific plan for how and when to pull out of Iraq and what we will leave behind.

Obama: randomly called Mr. McCain either "John" or "Senator McCain", seemingly depending on his feelings of his opponent's statements. When confronted on issues by Senator McCain, either ignorned them, changed the subject, or responded with "That's not true" and then changed the subject, still refusing to clearly explain his stance for the most part. Spoke eloquently on the issues, but never really seemed to say anything at all. Changed his position on many issues, especially the Middle East; first talking about a specific date to pull out our American troops, and then a few sentences later saying, "No, I think we need more troops in Afghanistan."

(Attempt to be nonpartisan over). Yes, both candidates openly laughed at statements made by the other. Yes, both candidates interrupted each other. Yes, Senator McCain has been accused of not making eye contact with his opponent. However, Senator Obama behaved as an inexperienced, disrespectful (to his opponent and the President of the United States), hot-headed, obnoxious, flip-flopping, cater-to-whoever-I-can-get-to-vote-for-me candidate. Senator McCain never raised his voice. He stated clear facts and invited the American people viewing the debate to "look it up" when referring to both his policies and Senator Obama's. He relied on his experience both as a soldier and a Senator to guide his response. Yes, his policies are extremely conservative. But he is honest and open, something Senator Obama most definitely was NOT.

i feel you, alice.

2008-09-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

remember that part in alice in wonderland when she's just starting to think she might have a clue, and then she comes upon the post with signs tacked to it, pointing in all directions?

i am so there.

i graduate in December. no more school for the time being...perhaps a masters' degree in a few years.

my lease is up in June. although it's been nice and definitely convenient to have mom and dad close by, it's not a necessity. there's always road trips and cell phones.

now, this one is hard. i know work is supposed to be work, but it's so much easier when you have people around that you're comfortable with. two of my people have gone to days, one was always there, and i just found out last night (for sure) that one is leaving.

she's different though. she's kind of my muse. she never got sick of my crazy questions, was always infinitely patient (we're talking put Job to shame), and she was my venting buddy. now granted, she's only moving within the hospital, and i'm still in school with her (at least til december), but still...it's different. there's several great projects she started for the unit that someone should pick up. i have a feeling that might be me.

i had my evaluation a week ago, and got fabulous scores and a merit raise. however, before anything else, my manager dropped a bomb on me. i walked in the door and she looked at me and said, "so...you want to go to days?"

*grab a chair for support*

i asked her a few weeks earlier than this to put me on the list. i thought...something different. why not? everyone i know is leaving night shift anyway, some of them to go to days. i don't know hardly anyone on nights anymore (well, i'm exaggerating a little), and some of the ones i do know are pissed-off-rattler mean. except they'll be tolerable to your face and then stab you in the back. who'd miss that? plus, there's so much more experience on days, and i really like a lot of them after getting to know them through report the last year and a half. a lot of the bad seeds have left, and the dynamic is totally different than it was a year ago. i could learn SO MUCH, so much faster. I would get more experience with lines and intubations because everyone on the shift isn't fighting (not fighting, but that's the best i can come up with) for every one we do, since most of us aren't checked off for transports at night. i could have a normal social life, for once.

or, I could move to San Antonio, an idea i've been toying with for the last couple of months. something TOTALLY different and new. all on my own. new hospital. learn lots of new stuff. different (probably prettier) scenery. it sounds glamorous in my head, but there are so many logistics to be worked out. and what about cost of living? how much more is it there? but i have a great friend who is urging me to come. "you'll love it," she says. and hey...the worst that could happen is i could hate it (doubt it) and then move back to the LBK, which has grown on me a lot in the last year or so.

so many decisions...so frustrating. could someone please wave their magic wand and display my future across the sky? and, if it's not too much...could there maybe be a boy in there somewhere? i know, everyone says it's not what its cracked up to be...but maybe i'd like to find that out for myself!

the best locked-out-of-my-house story E.V.E.R.!

2008-09-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

so, we all know that i am prone to locking myself out of places-especially important ones like the car and the house. so me and miranda were leaving my house tonight and i was going to take her back to her dad's down the street. so i lock the front door, walk out, fiddle with my keys for my clicker to unlock the car, and realize...

i am not holding my keys.

i am holding miranda's keys.

oh, expletive.

so after realizing our predicament, miranda's like, are you sure you locked the front door? i am positive, but we check just in case. it's locked.

so then she goes, well, you just put the dogs out-that door's not locked! and i'm like, well, you see...i sort of have two back doors. i have a door with a screen door from the kitchen into the garage, and then a regular door with just a doggy door in it from the garage to the outside. so we decide to make sure the door to outside is locked.

it's locked.

so then...brilliance strikes.

miranda, bless all 5'11" of her, squats down, sticks her arm through the doggy door and up to the lock on the other side of the door. she fiddles a minute, and...

gets it unlocked.

GENIUS. i never would have been able to do that.

it was absolutely the greatest thing ever. we laughed all the way back to her dad's, me giving her props the whole time and talking about what a great story...ah, good times with friends...

blast from the past!

2008-09-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

so, i was hunting WAY back in the back of my sent folder on yahoo for a file, and i found this. i sent it to my aunt at the beginning of 2004. let's see how my answers have (or haven't) changed... :)

1. What time do you get up?

2004: Sunday--between 730 and 830, MWF--11, T/Th--10, Saturday--varies...but NOT BEFORE NOON!
2008: that depends on whether i'm working nights, going to school during the day, or actually have a day off for once. working? around 5:00 PM. school? around 7 am. day off? when i wake up.

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be?

2004: i didn't answer. wonder why?
2008: my grandaddy, since he's gone now. we'd ride his motorcycle out to some old haunt he's known about forever and just talk.

3. Gold or silver?

2004: silver...all the way
2008: hasn't changed.

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

2004: Passion of the Christ
2008: i THINK it was 27 Dresses.

5. What is your favorite TV/Satellite show?

2004: Reba, when i actually watch TV. or Maternity Ward. Yeah...anything on Discovery Health.

2008: when i watch TV...Dr. Phil or Law and Order SVU.

6. What do you have for breakfast?

2004: are you kidding? i'm in college...sleep prevails over EVERYTHING! :)

2008: probably a PopTart or a breakfast hot pocket (sausage).

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?

2004: this guy Matt's dad or Jordan or this chick in my anatomy class or the secretary in the office i work in...except i AM stuck in a room with her sometimes...*shudders*
2008: one certain instructor. or a few of the ppl i work with (although, again, i occasionally have to be stuck with them). :)

8. What/who inspires you?

2004: Kristen, Jennifer, my mama
2008: Jesus, writing, Tiff

9. What is your middle name?

2004: Aline.
2008: obviously hasn't changed.

10. Beach, City or Country?

2004: i'm a city girl...but i can do the beach.
2008: City. then country.

11. Favorite ice cream?

2004: strawberry cheesecake or cookie dough
2008: Ben and Jerry's Creme Brulee. or strawberry.

12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn?

2004: Movie Theatre butter...y'know, the kind where you can pour it on...i know...heart attack waiting to happen...
2008: light butter.

13. Favorite color?

2004: Red/Hot pink
2008: red.

14. What kind of car do you drive?

2004: white '95 Buick...Catherine, can i have the Expedition if you get the Mini Cooper?
2008: white 2007 Hyundai Sonata. love my girl Lurch...

15. Favorite sandwich?

2004: Seafood 'n crab from Subway...with mayo and honey mustard...mmmmm...
2008: French dip from Quiznos.

16. What characteristics do you despise?

2004: LIARS. and stupid people.
2008: definitely still the same. and add people with woefully inadequate grammar skills.

17. Favorite flower?

2004: Fire-tipped tulips or roses (orange w/pink tips)
2008: stargazer lilies.

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go?

2004: LONDON!!!
2008: London/Ireland. preferably with a ruggedly sexy man who happens to be head-over-heels in love with me and also happens to be from one of said countries (doesn't matter which) and so has accent from said country.

19. What color is your bathroom?

2004: uhh, since it's a community bathroom...bluish green wall tiles and school-tile floor...but next year in my SUPER CUTE apartment it's going to be decorated in rubber duckies...
2008: khaki. but i have a red shower curtain...

20. Favorite brand of clothing?

2004: Old Navy.
2008: same.

21. Where would you like to retire to?

2004: i haven't even graduated from college yet!
2008: incidentally, still haven't graduated from college (although i'm working on it and HAVE graduated from nursing school)...but maybe the outskirts of some big city? or San Antonio?

22. Favorite day of the week?

2004: Saturday
2008: the rare day that i don't have to work OR go to school.

23. What did you do for your last birthday?

2004: Went home, had cake.
2008: went to tiff's parents', had cherry ring instead of cake, and took tiff and chris's engagement pics.

24. Where were you born?

2004: Longview
2008: same.

25. Favorite sport to watch?

2004: gymnastics...or Texas Tech FOOTBALL!!!!!
2008: gymnastics.

26. What fabric detergent do you use?

2004: Tide...you gonna send me quarters to DO my laundry?
2008: lavender and vanilla Tide. and i have my own washer and dryer now, thank you!

27. Coke or Pepsi?

2004: Coke
2008: hasn't changed.

28. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

2004: night.

2008: same.

29. What is your shoe size?

2004: depending on the brand...anywhere from a 2 to a 5.
2008: unfortunately...still the same.

30. Do you have any pets?

2004: George Bush.
2008: two chihuahuas: Maggie and Bridget.

31. What is your favorite candy?

2004: orange tic tacs
2008: skittles...or orange tictacs

32. Do you use cable, satellite, or neither?

2004: Ethernet...basically cable on steroids...
2008: cable.

33. What is your favorite holiday?

2004: why, my birthday of course!
2008: um...the one that i don't have to work?

34. If you could swap jobs for one week what job would you want to do?

2004: my future job...labor and delivery nurse.
2008: well...i was close to the mark up there. don't think i'd switch jobs, though...like mine too much!

35. How tall are you?

2004: 4'11"...i am LEGALLY a midget!
2008: again...unfortunately, same.

36. What is your favorite snack?

2004: whatever i have a hang for at the moment...
2008: you know the packages of club crackers with the easy cheese in them and the little red stick to spread it with? those.

37. Who was your first love (first name only).

2004: Stephen
2008: obviously still the same.

38. If you could meet anyone famous who would it be?

2004: George Bush...or Michael Jackson so i could give him a good kick.
2008: Shawn Johnson so i could give her mad props for her skills...or Julia Roberts. because she's just fab.

back to school...

2008-08-29T01:57:00.000-07:00

well, school has started back. let me just say, thank you JESUS that I am done in december. why again do i keep telling people i'm going to get my masters' in a few years? am i crazy? do i really want to do this again? give it a few years...maybe then.

Bible should be interesting...i'm taking Romans and the professor is great-he told us his story last week in class, and let's just say he's been to hell and back. several times. the perfect example of the ragamuffin gospel. i'm stoked.

Community health...we'll see. lots of projects, as is custom in the LCU nursing department. i already got one thing done...gonna try to get as much done as possible early on, so i don't have to fool with it later.

Scientific inquiry...basically, intro to research. i think it will be interesting, but really...for three straight hours? maybe not so much. the professor is great, though...i have a feeling we won't EVER be staying the whole three hours. good times.

i can't believe it's almost september. the year is flying by. seems like yesterday it was january and i was in bekah's wedding and starting school. craziness. i'm kind of glad the year is almost over (relatively speaking). i feel like i have fallen so far in my spiritual walk. i want so much to be back in regular fellowship with a group of people who love me and care about every aspect of my life. i miss that. i miss it a lot. it's true what the Word says, that we were meant for fellowship. it is a hard thing to go this road we call life alone.

on a less serious note...i cut my hair! it's SO cute (well, i like it). kind of swept to the side in the front and about an inch and a half long in the back and kind of fluffed out...variation on what i had before i let my hair grow out. it feels more like me, for sure.

back to work now...much love!

glory babies

2008-08-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

so i visited a new church last sunday, and the pastor's wife (who happened to be sitting behind me) introduced herself and we started talking. she discovered i am a NICU nurse and then told me she'd had a son in a NICU in Albuquerque several years before.

she then told me she'd been wanting to get involved somehow, to kind of "give back." she wtalked about coming in to rock/hold babies or help out any way we could. i told her some of the things our volunteers do, and the conversation ended shortly.

i leaned over to the friend i was visiting with, and she told me that this mother had not, in fact, left the hospital with her son.

ever.

my heart broke once again for the empty arms of yet another.

i never realized, until i entered this sacred world, how many lives have been touched by the tragedy of premature birth. i have been so richly blessed over the last two years to watch families grow and heal. what a privilege to be involved in the lives of their tiniest miracles. it means the world when someone thanks me for helping to heal their child. i am so thankful God has placed this particular calling on my life...

yesterday i visited the same church. afterward, i went to the visitors' center, because i didn't get an information packet last week. the pastor came up as i was talking to a few others, and introduced himself, saying he thought he remembered me. i told him i'd visited last week and met his wife. "Yeah," he said, "I think she mentioned you." "I'm the NICU nurse," I said. "Yeah," he said again, "I saw you two talking and thought you guys went way back. Then, I watched her praying over you during worship. She told me what you do. Thank you." He then told his nine year old son, "This is Amy. She works in the NICU, where Grayson was. Remember all those months when Grayson was in the hospital?"

And I was struck once again, my heart warming to see the healing that had taken place. I value those prayers so much...from the heart of a mother that has been irrevocably, everlastingly touched. She will not hold her son again in this life, but it speaks to my heart that she is healing and reaching out to bless others...that she is allowing God to use her as a testament to His grace and peace.

For Joel, Memphis, Grayson, and every other glory baby...

Glory Baby
Watermark

Glory baby
you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby...
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

CHORUS
But we miss you everyday
We miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘til mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies
it’s hard to understand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes
just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

CHORUS

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…

there i go again...

2008-08-11T02:18:00.001-07:00

and here it is a month later, and i'm just now updating. life is busy, as always.

i changed my first broviac dressing tonight...imagine that, I've been a NICU nurse for over a year, and just now doing that. i felt kind of stupid asking for help and having to admit it was my first time ever...it's kind of like once you've been here six months, a year, once you've become a transport team member...you sort of expect yourself to know those things.

one of the girls who joined the transport team only a few months before i did placed lines on a new baby tonight. by herself. scrubbed in, sterile drapes (without taking 10 minutes to fully think through "this first, then this, d*&^%t, am i still sterile? yes? ok...then this..."), place the lines, suture, check the chest x-ray to ensure lines are in the right place (without having to go ask)...grr. she's been checked off and all that, but it's just frustrating to not be there yet. to still know that i am totally green as far as this transport thing goes...that at this point (and i'm not downing myself) i am probably more of a burden than a help.

humbling.

speed bumps

2008-07-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

*about a year ago*

we had been hearing about the baby all night long. he'd been born at 3:30 that afternoon and gone under oxygen. that happens sometimes-babies need a little extra help transitioning from inside mama to the great big world. after several hours, though, the baby was still having trouble. i imagine someone went to that mother's room to tell her that her arms, aching now with a very present emptiness, would be joined with an aching and fearful heart-"We're going to have to transfer your baby to the NICU."

icu? intensive care? our baby is going to die? i can imagine the fear flashing through her heart, the drop in her stomach like a roller coaster ride, her eyes and throat constricting and welling up as a flood of tears makes itself present and showers her face. her firstborn, the child she has cherished since mid-march--and something is wrong.

we get him when he's about 15 hours old. he hangs on all day and part of the night, but is just not oxygenating as well as we'd like. we have to put him on CPAP about two in the morning, approximately 24 hours after we admit him to nicu. and again, that mother is awoken from sleep-your son is not doing as well as we'd like, so he'll need a little more help.

hand in hand, she and her husband come down the hall and go a floor below where they are, to the place that they know now is not full of death but is still scary. they go to little Jack*, and the plastic tent he was tucked into is gone, replaced with a blue machine standing by his bed. a mask is attached to his little nose and tied up around his head in a cap, a long white tube sticking up from the mask, his own little rhinocerous horn. they reach for his hands, hearts aching to know what's wrong with their son but at the same time wishing only that he was better.

a nurse appears and asks what questions they have. they look at each other, bewildered, not knowing enough to know what questions to ask. she begins to explain, seeming to understand their utter loss for words. softly, simply (but not in a condescending manner) she explains each piece of equipment and its basic purpose. she gives them an idea of what to expect while their son is here, shows them a place to bring toys and put them above his bed, little sentries watching over him when they are not there.

she seems to understand their fears and tells them that being here, touching him, talking quietly to him...these are the best things for him, almost better than anything they as nurses can do. they thank her, a bit more comforted, and she disappears, leaving them alone with their world-their child-and being more reassured that this is merely a speed bump-not the brick wall they'd thought.

that's one of the things i love the most. being able to sit with parents and give them a little reassurance that this precious child of theirs has a 97% chance of walking out of here alive. explaining the odds. reassuring them over and over that they didn't do anything wrong...that there are no stupid questions...and that it's ok to ask them over and over if they don't remember.

grass in my nose, dirt in my toes...i am SHE-RA!

2008-07-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

so it's been a while since i mowed my yard...a while enough that it was roughly the same height as me (ok, maybe an exaggeration, but it was definitely too long). so when i got home from work, i ran my rent check to my landlord's house and then came home. after lifting my manual garage door up by myself, i went out to the back and brought the mower up to the front. i then proceeded to crank it BY MYSELF ON THE FIRST TRY and then mow the whole front and back yard in about an hour. the whole time i was kind of just grinning to myself and thinking i was pretty much hot stuff.

came back in and texted a good friend, "i am SHE-RA!" (She-Ra is my Superwoman alter ego). she told me i was funny. and then, out of nowhere...God decided to remind me just how amazing He thinks i am. i had an epiphany...here's my texted realization.

God gives me my she-ra moments to remind me that i can be strong and do anything i want, just me and Him. i can be proud of myself for doing stuff as a single woman. men are nice, but i have the ability to be confident in MYSELF and not need a man to reassure me and boost my self-worth. i can do lots of things...start the lawnmower on the first try and mow the whole yard, live by myself and not be scared when i'm the only one in the house in the middle of the night and it's not on an upper floor. i am beautiful even in a messed-up ponytail with sweat and dirt streaking my face, wearing paint-stained nike shorts and a sports bra. i can be a woman and still be myself. i can wear makeup and not be using it to hide myself.

in short...I ROCK!!!

2008-06-24T23:31:00.001-07:00

side note before i go to bed...The American President always makes me want to cry...and have someone who cares about me deeply and can't live without me. especially the scene where she walks out of his closet wearing only one of his button-downs (ok, a little risque) and says she's not scared, and then the one at the end where she comes back and runs into his arms. sigh...*melt*...

Cara*

2008-06-24T23:20:00.001-07:00

*not her real name

It was the end of my NICU orientation and I was in Labor and Delivery for the day, orienting with the transition nurse. I remember it was around nine in the morning, and things were starting to wake up (specifically, me). We were filling out the delivery log for the c-section we'd just finished when I heard the words "prolapsed cord." Right then, it was the calm moment before the hurricane hits harbor-the Category 5 hurricane. Nurses converged on that room like bees to a hive. The doctor had checked the patient, suspected a prolapse, and had the charge nurse verify. It was so.

We ran to the OR, flipped on the warmer, and ripped open the emergency box, endotracheal tubes and laryngoscope ready for one of my fellow NICU nurses who had just arrived. We were just laying out the nursery paperwork when they wheeled Cara* into the OR. A nurse gripped the bedrails on each side of the bed, and the charge nurse was IN the bed, her gloved hand holding the baby's head off the umbilical cord and thus keeping him alive.

Cara was moved onto the OR table and the nurses strapped her arms down and then began hurriedly prepping her swollen belly and inserting a Foley catheter. At the other end of the bed, the anesthesiologist pressed an oxygen mask to her face and began pulling medications out of glass vials. I looked through the window at the back of the OR and saw the two doctors scrubbing in. As they walked into the OR, taking the sterile towels from the scrub tech to dry their hands, I reached for mom's hand.

"Cara." She looked at me, fear bright in her tear-filled eyes. "Hi, Cara. My name is Amy, and I'm a nurse. I'm going to be taking care of your son when he comes out, okay? I want you to relax and breathe." The sterile drape was tossed over the top of my head, and I ducked as the anesthesiologist pinned it up. He began pushing anesthetics into her IV. I looked up and the surgeons were finishing the sterile gowning.

My eyes darted back to Cara. "Keep breathing that oxygen, okay? You're going to go to sleep for a while, and here in a minute, you're going to have a baby. Just relax." Her eyes were heavy. The anesthesiologist gave one last push of medication, and her eyes closed. He quickly pulled off the mask, inserted a laryngoscope blade in her mouth, and slid the endotracheal tube in with one smooth motion, just as the doctor made her first cut. My warmer alarm was going off, so I turned around to silence it. When I looked back, I could see a tear sliding down Cara's cheek.

Forty-five seconds later, a beautiful baby boy was pulled kicking and screaming from his mother's womb, and he didn't stop. We quickly dried him off, watched him turn pink, and weighed and measured him. I put a warm hat on his head, an identification band on one arm and the opposite ankle, and then reached over and secured a larger bracelet with identical numbers on his mother's wrist. Then, I wrapped that precious child, whose APGAR scores were better than any infant we delivered that day, and took him to his mother.

She was not conscious, but her face was the first one that baby touched, the first cheek his lips kissed.

I readjusted his hat and blankets. It was time to meet daddy now-the man who we had left, fearful, at the Labor and Delivery nurses station as we raced into the OR with his wife. The transition nurse pushed the crib and had the nursery paperwork, and I carried the precious bundle down the short hallway from the OR back to Labor and Delivery. The door swung open, and there stood a man in a cowboy hat, denim shorts, and a button-down shirt, looking more scared than any man I had seen before or have seen since.

I smiled and said, "Daddy, someone has been anxiously waiting to meet you." I handed him his child as the tears rained down his cheeks. He laughed, held his son up, and said, "He's beautiful. Perfect. Is he ok?" We reassured him that his son and wife were just fine, and he laughed again, still crying, as he cradled his firstborn son...

welcome back, me...

2008-06-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

well, here i am. i have been a busy little bee the last several months. as much as i've wanted to, i haven't had time to get on here and post.

i've realized a few things over the last several months. as a budding author hoping to one day be published, i am finally understanding just how much truth there is in the statement that you should write what you know. talking about NICU is an every day thing for me: i forget that most of the population never enters the mysterious world that is such an intimate part of my life, and they are fascinated by the stories i tell. so that's what this is now. this is my new decompression device to process what happens at work. i'm going to use this to practice my writing. feel free to comment, critique, or add your stories. i pray these stories are an inspiration to someone.

i suppose i feel somewhat like the character John Boy in the old series The Waltons. he loved to write, but the only thing he knew where the stories of his family and of growing up during the Great Depression. so he wrote...and wrote...and wrote. and he graduated from college and became published.

so let me welcome you (with the utmost respect and commitment to my patients' privacy and to HIPAA regulations that guide my practice) to my world.

you know those days when nothing seems to go right?

2007-11-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

so, last night was a great night...i was working near a good friend and right in the same area as two others (our unit is split into five different pods that hold 5-10 patients apiece). we were having a grand time laughing, talking to families, and doing everything else you do to keep yourself awake after two o'clock in the morning. things were going along dandy until about 5:30. all of a sudden, it seemed like i had everything to do and no time to do it. draw labs, get kids their last diaper change and temp check, close out charts, feed a baby (which i did like 30 minutes late, but he was sleeping and he needed rest!), give antibiotics, and finish charting. ugh. suffice it to say, i gave perhaps the worst report of my life to the nurse who oriented me for ten weeks, realized that i didn't put in orders, forgot to give a kid a suppository, one of my chest xrays wasn't done...you get the picture. i came home really frustrated. i wanted to cry. i didn't--i got in bed and turned my heating pad on and cuddled with my puppies and went to sleep.

woke up a little more refreshed. they brought my service flag for my brother today...super exciting. i have it hanging in my window now. it's a vertical rectangular shape-there's a heavy red border, and then the middle is white with a blue star in the middle of it to signify that a member of my family is serving in the military in a time of war. i got my mom one too, but she won't know until she gets it in the mail. i'm really excited...i think she'll like it.

sorry...needed to vent a little. more later...

i am humbled...

2007-11-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

...so incredibly humbled. on a daily basis, i am entrusted with the tiniest (and sometimes not so tiny) miracles life gives. every day, parents come and go and leave their child, their world, the sum of all of their dreams, in my care. they trust that i will give love to their children as i would my own. they leave knowing that their little one will be comforted and given patience as God gives...patience as they will.

sometimes, i fail. a lot of times, actually. i forget the sanctity of the lives i am entrusted with. i forget grace and allow frustration to take over. i lose my patience. i forget that this is not just a job...this is a privileged calling that God has graciously placed on my life. this is not a career (although bills do have to be paid and money's good for that).

this thing that i do every day...it's about loving people. it's about allowing God to use me to speak peace and courage into the lives of His scared children...and some who are not His. it is about teaching families how to live. it is about allowing tiny lives...tiny hearts with the spirits of warriors, to live. and sometimes...sometimes it is about walking the dark roads of pain and the deep, deep valley of death with people who should be taking their children home...not having to make the decision to let them go and allow God to come down, gather them into His arms, and take them home.

the last week and a half has been like that. on october 25, 2007, we lost one of our little ones. memphis was born on may 26th at 24 weeks. for five months, he fought for his life. about 5:00 pm on the day he died, memphis started having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. his mom was called, and she came up and held him for the last few hours of his life. at 7:23 pm, she made the most difficult decision any parent can ever make: to turn off the ventilator and allow him to go home to God and not hurt anymore. at 7:42 pm, God came down from heaven and picked up little Memphis and took him home. as glad as we were for this little one to not be hurting and struggling anymore, it was heartbreaking. for five months, we loved this child and fought as hard as we could to give him life. in the end, God had a different plan.

however, in light of all of this, i am convinced of one thing: EVERY CHILD has a purpose, whether they live for five minutes, five days, five months, five years...or into adulthood. this child taught me so many things. he had a few special cd's in his room that we played for him when he wasn't able to calm down. one night, i was taking care of him and he was very irritable. he wasn't sleeping and absolutely wouldn't calm down. i was so frustrated and then i remembered his music. when i turned it on, he began to calm down almost immediately. i gently re-swaddled him, put him in his favorite position, held his pacifier for him, and began to pat him on the back while silently speaking prayers of patience for myself and peace for him. one of the songs on that cd, Be Thou My Vision, happens to be a favorite hymn of mine, and God began speaking peace into my heart as i listened to it in that dark, quiet room. i was reminded then of what i am truly living for; of what my calling truly is. it is true what it says in God's word when He reminds us that we must become like little children: innocent, trusting.

at the funeral, they played another song off of the CD, one that we as nurses noticed that Memphis seemed to calm down to more when he heard it than when he heard other songs.

Lord of all creation

Of water, earth, and sky

The heavens are Your tabernacle

Glory to the Lord on High

God of wonders, beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth (2X)

Early in the morning

I will celebrate the light

And as I stumble through the darkness

I will call Your name by night

God of wonders, beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth (2X)

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth (3X)

God of wonders, beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

Precious Lord, reveal Your heart to me

Father holy, holy

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy, holy, holy

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth (6X)

Lord of heaven and earth

Early in the morning

I will celebreate the light

and as I stumble through the darkness

I will call your name by night

God of wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

The universe declares your majesty

You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

God of wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy

Precious Lord reveal your heart to me

Father holy, holy

the universe declares your majesty

you are holy, holy, holy, holy

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

how incredible that God spoke to this small child through music, that he was calmed when the song played and reminded him of God's great love and power and strength, of the promise of our ability to call on Him when we are weak and hurting. near the end of his life, we were keeping memphis sedated a lot of the time so he wouldn't feel a lot of pain. i truly believe God was holding him even then, loving him and speaking words of peace into his soul.

sorry if this wasn't the most exciting post...it's things that have been on my heart for a while and that i wanted to get off. pray for me and the rest of the nurses i work with, that we'll never become hardened and that we'll always be able to offer comfort and hold out life to the families we work with.

much love.